The Cookie and Sparky Show

So then what? I'd be lying if I didn't come into today--at least a little bit--waiting for the other shoe to drop, and finding out she got scared off again or had second thoughts. We have a very complicated relationship, see. Luckily, I get bored doing things the easy way, and while I usually make a project out of everything, even the easy stuff, this time I won't need to take that extra step. She and I are going to be a project.

Anyway, she and I kept most of the previous night's conversation between the two of us. She has a thing with labels, which is at about the other end of the spectrum from where I'm at with labels, but I can deal. Before we split off last night I had to help jumpstart her car, which was a comedy scene in and of itself, but ended with her saying this: "You know, it's kinda sad when your girlfriend is better at jumpstarts than you are." Girlfriend. She did say it, and I'm holding her to it until I hear otherwise.

I do have the answer to her question: What do you want from me? It's simple. Just one thing. She can make up whatever rules she wants. She can make it as hard as she wants. That's fine. All I want is to be able to say, even if it's just between her and I, that I have a girlfriend and she's it. That's all. Now if I can wrangle the conversation back in that direction ....

Today at work Jen and I were a very formidable duo. She's the troublemaker who came in and corrupted me, which is a view of her that she just relishes. I'm the Top Gun who's threatening to jump ship. With she and I working together to cause as much fear and anarchy as possible, the department is a chaotic shambles. It's tremendous. I don't remember having as much fun during a shift at that job than I did today. Sue is worried and nervous about what's going to happen, and I am loving watching her twist in the wind. Am I evil? Yes I am.

I made a special point today to be as brilliant and efficient a screener as humanly possible, and I did it without really breaking a sweat or working all that hard, and then made the additional point to move every large frame for Starr and Jen on the other press. I did all of this just to show what they are going to lose, and rub some salt into the wound. It was while lifting a frame onto the press for them that Sue came up and said, "Well, Shaun I don't know what we're going to do if you really do leave."

"I'm sure you'll manage."

It's a dish served cold, just like they say.

She made some additional remarks like that later on during the day while I was in earshot, and it just amused me to no end. It's a little late to start sucking up to me now.

Near the end of the day, after Starr and Jen were finished screening, Jen attached herself to my press. Over the past few weeks Sue's made a special point to keep us seperated (and if she catches wind of the most recent developments, hoooo boy), but this afternoon she seemed so beaten down that she just gave up and left us alone. The look of defeat on her face warmed my black little heart.

I'll tell you this for sure: Jen is a great partner-in-crime.

That's my *girlfriend* I'm talking about.

Insert Snazzy Title Here

To start off, I'll just skip right to the end of the story: I think I have a girlfriend.

Yes. That's right. I have a girlfriend.

We hung out again this afternoon. There wasn't anything significant about it, though. We were just going to hang out. Then we had dinner, and again, there was nothing heavy in the conversation. We were mostly just having fun and screwing around. Then it got heavier after we left the place.

I'm not even sure how we got on the subject. Something was said, by her, about whether or not we're on the same page, which echoed an earlier conversation that's been kind of sticking in my craw since she and I had our dust-up, and I had to call her on it. "I really have no idea if we're anywhere near the same page anymore. I used to think I knew, but now I'm really not clear on any of it."

This led to a much longer conversation, and it got heavy. There were some lingering issues I needed to get off my chest, and likewise for her. And we went back and forth. And there were a few things I was determined to get a straight answer on, and she gave me a lead in to ask just what she wanted anyway. There was a long pause, she started to get a little upset, and finally said, "I want you."

I'll tell you what ... wasn't expecting that. So that led to more conversation. I stood firm on where I've been standing for the past however many weeks, even though I wish I'd been able to express myself better than I did here. I was almost so wary about scaring her away again that I didn't know what to say or do. And when the question came from her, "What do you want from me?" ..... I was almost paralyzed by it.

There was more discussion. She got upset. She's been hurt *very* badly before by a lot of people, she's afraid she's going to hurt me, and it's hard to combat those things. I mean, I'm asking her to take a big leap of faith on me and to trust me that I'm not going to hurt her like other people have. She tried to scare me off, but I wouldn't budge. I admitted that I was terrified of all this, too. It's been so long since I've cared enough to even attempt something like this, nevermind stand my ground and fight for it, that I barely know what I'm doing. But I'm trying. I'm trying.

We finally got around to a point where she said she was willing to give it a shot. It's tentative. Neither of us know where it's going. But we're willing to try it.

Whoa.

And that is a little frightening, yes, but very exciting.

Das versteht sich von selbst

So how do you follow up a week that was so fantastic? I haven't figured that out, actually. I was in Philly over the weekend visting my awesome sister, and that was a great time, but picking up the momentum I'd built up last week was tricky to say the least. I didn't really get anywhere today.

I probably didn't do myself any favors by taking two allergy pills right before work. Sure, I had the symptoms--runny nose, itchy ears, and such--so I had to take something, but maybe two pills was one too many, even though it totally says two are allowable on the back of the bottle. Closer inspection of the bottle shows that they might even be expired, which I don't think is possible, but who knows? Anyway, they made me loopy. Really, they kicked me over the moon. It was probably worst around 9:00 break, where I had kind of a vacant, far away stare happening, but I was in a haze until about lunch.

I also have a small dental related problem. There's something of a lump below one of my stupid teeth, which is bothering me somewhat. I know what this is going to turn into, and soon, because I had something similar last year, which turned into an abcess, and that knocked the living shit out of me, so I kinda want to take care of this thing here before it gets that far. Since my dentist is a three-hour roundtrip, not including the actual visit to The Chair, scheduling it is tricky.

Between this and that, I was a little off today. I'm also having some Post Great Week Anxiety, meaning that with all the stuff that happened last week ... I'm now turning it over and over in my mind. Why do I do that? I'm a Virgo and I just can't help myself.

Let's start with the job. Yes, I hate my job and want to leave. I applied at Sturm Ruger, and I'm as good as in, but I'm anxious. I'm weighing the money vs. the travel vs. the hours vs. the fear of the new and unknown, and I'm causing myself stress. At my current job, which I hate, I'm extremely competant and skilled, I know what I'm doing, and so on. It's a big change. What if I don't like this job? What if I suck out? I hate being the new guy who doesn't know what the hell he's doing. Even so, I do not want to stay put.

Jen and I had a small conversation about this near the end of the day, where I kind of worked out the solution to this anxiety on my own. If I don't like the job ... I don't have to stay there. See, I fall into this trap in my mind where just because I usually do stay at a job forever that I think going into one that I'm signing my life away. Ok, so I'm not signing a seven year contract if I go there. I'm just trying it out, while possibly still looking around. I don't like it? I leave for somewhere else. It's that simple. "Just keep that in mind, Sparky," she said. I am.

The other source of my anxiety revolves around her, but I don't feel like getting into it right now.

Tomorrow, I follow the good advice of my wonderful friend Guinevere and start dealing with that situation as best I can.

See if I don't.

The Next Sound You Hear

... will be the sound of shit hitting the fan.

Let's start with the interview, shall we? I smoked it. I KILLED. Aces. It was a slam dunk, babydoll. In fact, my application did so much of the work for me that the actual interview was little more than an afterthought. I went there early, they saw me right in, I got the general tour of the building, talked to the guy, and he said it was pretty much mine for the taking if I wanted it. So I told him I would take it. The only thing he was worried about was that it would be a drop in money, so he thought I might not be interested for that reason. Of course, I figured I'd probably have to start at the bottom and work up, but at least there is an up I can work towards, compared to the total dead-end I'm at with my current job. So I told him, Look as long as you're telling me there's opporutnity for advancement and such that's all I really need to hear today.

There's nothing signed in blood yet, so I have the weekend to mull this over. I have alternate possible job options, too. I'm not a put all my eggs into one basket sort of person (except with chicks, but that's another story). There's still Hypertherm and Dartmouth-Hitchcock to look into, among other things. Just being out there and looking feels very very good. Besides, they're doing my background check so I won't know anything for certain about this place for another week.

Today, though, Jen and I ruined Sue's day but good. We worked this out last night, the how we'd do it, because I just decided that I owed Sue one (or five) for times in the past where she'd wrecked me with a stupid, careless comment after I'd been busting my ass. I wanted to ruin her day. I wanted to instill a little fear, too.

I'll tell you the story.

9:00 break. Jen is a smoker--trying to quit, but a smoker nonetheless. So she was out in the smoking area. Sue is also a smoker, so she was there. I went out to my car to retrieve a change of clothes, a touch I improvised this morning, to give me a logical excuse to be out there. Then I walked back towards the building while passing the smoking area.

In a nice bit of irony, Sue said, "Well, Shaun is all ready to leave." Jen and I made eye contact, and I said, "Yes. Yes I am." Taken out of context, that was kinda hilarious.

This is the good part.

I'm standing there for a second and Jen says, "You're going to call me, right? As soon as you're done with your interview?"

"You'll be the first person I call. Then my mom."

Then I went inside. Jen followed a few minutes later. Apparently, there was no outward reaction. Jen: "She's a tough nut to crack, huh?" "Told you. But don't worry, the message was put across."

No more than fifteen minutes later, Skip came by the press and told me that oh ho boy Sue was more than a little upset. It had gone from Sue to Skip to me, right like clockwork. So I told him what I'd done. Skip, Starr, and June have all been in on this anyway. I'm trying to get Starr out of there when I go, too, kind of like what Guinevere and I did with the kitchen when we left there. Same idea.

Jen didn't know about this yet, so I went into turn-on where she was and said, "We'll call that a line drive past the shortstop into the outfield."

So I'm the turncoat, even though Sue did wish me luck ... and then passive-aggressivley tried to talk me out of going anywhere. And Jen is the evil bitch that came in, corrupted me, and talked me into leaving. Sue is looking at a big gaping hole in her production floor. The department is descending into complete chaos. And it's pretty much all our fault.

Good week. Very good week.

Black Wings of Destiny

My first priority was to call back Sturm Ruger about setting up that interview. But first I checked my messages, and they had called me a second time about coming in to see someone. When does that happen? Seriously. They called me two days in a row about this, so of course my fingers were dialing that number with my very next action. I set up an interview for tomorrow (Friday) at 1:00, so it seems they're looking at me for a first shift position, which is fine. They mentioned there were three different openings (three, count 'em, three) for which I was being considered. They seemed very eager to talk to me. How encouraging is that? Pretty damn so.

I'm leaving work at 11:00, which gives me plenty of time to get to Newport for 1:00. After that I promised Jennifer I'd call her and let her know how it went. She's all but hired there, on second shift, and is only waiting for the background check to come through. She says it's very thorough, which is a little intimidating, but if there's one thing I know I can do it's nail an interview. I'll probably be nervous in the morning, but I've been feeling pretty bulletproof the last couple days.

At my current job I've been on auto-pilot all week. The abovementioned job isn't a sure thing, even as positive as it sounds, but I'm definitely leaving for somewhere, as I can barely make myself go through the motions right now. I'm still performing at a very high level, but my heart isn't in it. At all. I'm so burnt out on screening that it isn't funny. I need to go.

But first, I get to put the fear of god into my team leader. I'm not one of those people who thinks they're the most important person in the world and that the company can't go on without them, but nevertheless, without me that department is screwed. SCREWED. Jen and I are both on the way out, so just on the 'any warm body' front they'll be down two people, and I'm a very experienced and accomplished screener, and I assure you that what I do can't be learned in two weeks. And there's a very high chance that once I'm gone that the clock is ticking on Starr, because she's unhappy there anyway, and if anyone can see what's waiting on the other side of my leaving it's her, and she doesn't want to get stuck with the crapola that I deal with all the time.

I made a list of all the things my replacement would have to know, and it's an insane list. Just insane. And the foil is one thing, but the overlays I do are a whole 'nother thing, man. Here's the kicker on those: since I started doing those four years ago, *nobody* else has even worked on them. Nobody else really has any idea how I do those, and there is a whole lot of shit that I do on instinct that isn't covered in the SOP books. Not only that, but you really have to work really hard at a brisk pace to keep up with all the crap on my press, and who are they going to get that's willing to do that? We haven't hired a lot of people with much in that area for the past four years, so I doubt they're going to suddenly pull the next workhorse out of their ass any too soon.

I almost feel guilty about leaving them in a lurch. Of course, they've had YEARS to get someone else trained over there, so it isn't really my fault. But c'mon, you know me, I'm going to feel guilty anyway. That is, until Sue came by this afternoon and gave me a hard time about something, and then ..... pffffffft. The clouds parted and I could see clearly now because the rain had gone.

I have a few axes to grind before I go. Tomorrow, with Jen's help, I'm going to start twisting the knife a little bit.

Payback's a bitch, motherfucker.

Time to Upset the Applecart

Hello and welcome to Free Agency, baby. When I got home and checked my messages I'd gotten a call from Sturm Rugers, which is the place down Newport way where Jen and I both applied. In fact, it's the place where Jen had her interview last night. I had no idea if they'd call me or not; they seem like a difficult place to get into. But having reviewed my application they would like to see me. This is exciting. I don't know which position exactly they want to interview me for as I cast a pretty wide net on my application, but who cares? A place out there is interested in meeting me, and that's a first step in a good direction. And it's only the first of many applications I intend to float out there as part of the Larger Plan.

I've needed to exit my current job for some time now. I've been unhappy and felt unappreciated (employee of the month notwithstanding). I've been beat down and stepped on. I've had job bids that I won taken back because they need me where I am. I'm at a dead-end. There's nowhere to go: I can't move up, and I can't even move sideways. And the communist payrate by levels is really bugging me, too. None of this is new, and I've wanted to go, but I never got off my ass and did anything about it. Until lately. Until Jen motivated me to get up and take a shot.

So I have to call back and schedule this interview. I'm not that nervous about it yet. There are things I do very well, and job interviews are one of them. Sometimes getting a place to give me a shot is difficult, but once I get to the interview I always ace it.

Another thing I have going for me is my stellar job history. My last two jobs alone stretch all the way back to 1994, for crying out loud. If I go all the way back to 1987, when I first started at Stop N Shop at the age of 16 for $3.55 an hour, that's still only five (5) jobs.

My god, I've been working for twenty years.

While I don't have a new job yet just the idea that I'm taking an interview somewhere should be enough to raise some significant fear in all the right places tomorrow, as long as I'm careful how I dole it out. I'm going to mention it to Jennifer, obviously, and then she should actually take care of the rest for me without me having to do anything else.

I wonder who will screen the horrible things I have to work on after I'm gone.

Did I Miss 60B?

I just got home. After work I hung out with You Know Who for the first time since a week ago Saturday, and things went much better this time than they did that day. This was actually against my better judgement, as my plan was to take a full three steps back from all this, but deep down I did miss hanging around with her, and you know what? Sometimes I just can't help myself. Besides, getting past last week to show that I'm still the same decent guy no matter what she throws at me is all part of the Larger Plan. I don't know if she and I would be a good couple. I don't think of her as "The One" or anything stupid like that, but there is something here. There's something. It's important that I met this girl, for whatever reason. I can't explain it, but I do know that something essential is happening right now. Maybe that sounds crazy, but I do always know when the Wheel of Destiny is intervening in my life, if not why.

I have a lot of regrets. There are a lot of things I should have done, but didn't. There have been a lot of roads not taken. Guinevere knows. She's seen me get to the point where I'm almost being eaten alive with regret. Whatever is happening now will not go down as one of those times where I failed to act and then spend the next however many years regreting it. I can't.

I've also done some crazy shit in my life, some dangerous stuff, and I've made some foolish choices ... mostly involving women. I don't regret any of that stuff. At least I have a few interesting stories to tell.

She approached me at work and asked what I was doing that afternoon. And what did I have planned? I was going to come home, troll around on the internet for a couple hours, go to the bookstore and write, come home, watch Deal or No Deal and Heroes, and then hang out on the internet for a little while before bed. "Not much," I answered. So she said she had some errands and stuff to do and would I like to keep her company? And again, despite my better instincts, I said sure. What I'd said in that e-mail was all written from a very pure place, and I meant every word of it. I did miss hanging around with her. Whether or not this means I'm a fool, at least I'll have some interesting stories to tell later on.

She did have an interview at 8:00 out of town, and after spending the afternoon riding around in her junk heap of a car, there was no way I could stand back and not offer to drive her there. I wouldn't have felt good about it if I hadn't. This isn't even about that. At the end of the day she's still my friend, and this is what I do. I look out for my friends if and when I can. Actually, giving her a ride there was nothing. Something like that is only the tippety top of the iceburg of what I would do for friends (and sisters) of mine.

On the way back she and I had another heart to heart, covering some of the same ground as before. I think I came off very well in this. She's learning she can't scare me away, no matter how terrible she thinks she is. And she said that she's terrified of hurting me, because that's what always happens, and I'm standing my ground. I've been hurt before, by experts, who hurt me on purpose, and who didn't give a damn, and I survived and I'm not afraid and I'm willing to take a chance.

So I told her I understoond and appreciated everything she was saying, but you know what? It changes nothing.

"You're going to make me cry again."

Maybe I will get hurt. That's always a possibility when I like somebody. But for the first time in a long while I'm determined to stay in the fight to the bitter end, no matter what. And even if this ends up being a horrible disaster, I feel very proud of myself for putting myself out there and laying it on the line.

I won't regret that.

Come on Come on

So somewhere between opening day and today this blog became the primary blog. The other one seems to be dying on the vine, and I find it harder and harder to work up the enthusiasm to go through the mental process I need to go through in order to write for that one. See, the other blog isn't the really real me, even though the opinions and such expressed over there are mine, but for that blog to work I need to get into a particular headspace that I'm not as comfortable with as I used to be. Assuming that secret identity used to be as easy as putting on a glove, but right now there's a lot of distance that I'm feeling, and most of my post ideas come to Stray Bullets instead. Even so, I have some attachment to that other blog that's hard to let go of.

I suppose that's natural after putting in four years of effort and writing almost 1700 posts. It's hard to just up and walk away. Plus, let's look at this. I have two readers here that I'm aware of: Guinevere and Colleen. Over there I have about 15, including those two. Now I'm not saying that I want more readers here, because the more people I know are reading the less candid I can be in the posts. Like if I knew Jen was reading this blog I wouldn't be able to discuss all that in full. See what I mean? That isn't a problem with Colleen or Guin, as they're both awesome and above complaint. It's hard to walk away from that other larger audience, though.

Supposing I do stop updating that blog altogether it does make me wonder how many of my ideas there I'd want to import here. I did a lot of posts for that other blog that I'm proud of and happy with, and I came up with a lot of ideas that are worth exploring, too. And there are things like Calliope, who will probably come up when I start talking more about writing here. Otherwise, I don't know. I'm trying to keep up a different sort of discipline here for SB that I never did over there. The other blog is pretty much everything and the kitchen sink, but I'm trying to keep this one a little more pure. I looked through my archives a few days ago and there is a lot of junk back there.

You'll notice I won't mention that blog or my other identity by name. I'll probably remain as protective of my secret identity as Bruce Wayne, just like I'm very protective of this identity over there. Maybe I should just refer to that blog as the Batcave or something.

This same thing happened the first time I launched this blog. I wasn't able to animate both of them at the same time. I can get into one headspace, or the other, but not both at once. It's a real identity crisis.

I have no idea how it's going to turn out.

Game On

I sent the e-mail out and then I stopped and debated whether or not I should call her, too. Remember, at the time I wasn't too sure whether or not she was pissed at me, and I wasn't sure what kind of reaction I'd get. All I really had to go on were the two times she and I made significant eye contact at work, when she seemed a little upset and maybe even near tears. It was that kind of look. Well, I had to do something. The e-mail was a good start, and even as good as I think it was, I didn't feel like it was enough. So I picked up the phone and dialed. I thought I'd get her machine and I was preparing the message I was going to leave when she answered.

She was friendly, which was a very good sign. We talked about everything. She was still driving home, so obviously hadn't read the e-mail. I ended up giving her the cliff notes version of it, starting with the "I really hate this" part. That was well received. It led to a whole conversation covering the last week's worth of ground, and who did what to whom, and why, and who said what about what, but the real point of it was that I missed her and wanted to talk to her, and she missed me and wanted to talk to me. Remove all the other people from the equation and she and I can fix our own shit fairly well, which is good to know.

We talked for a half hour on her cell, until she got home. Then she went inside and switched to the home phone, and we talked for another two-and-a-half hours. We talked more about that, about other stuff, and then she flipped through most of a Cosmo magazine while providing a running commentary. It was fun. I never made it to the bookstore, which is where I was headed after leaving a message, but I don't mind. It was great just to be talking to her again. I missed her.

Remember I talked about how she and Sue had a meeting? Well, what I didn't know, and was never told by Sue, is that Sue straight out told her to stay away from me while at work, and to give me space. What? Who the fuck authorized that? I was never told to stay away from her, not that I would have honored that request if I thought Jen wanted to talk to me. I sure the fuck did not tell Sue, or anyone else, that I wanted fucking space, and I sure the fuck don't need some misguided mother hen keeping some girl away from me. I told her I can handle my own business, and as you can see I got my shit together during Friday enough to fucking handle it.

So now it's Game On, motherfuckers. Come Monday I'm going right back to square one as far as the Jen and I thing goes. I'm going to talk to her. She's going to talk to me. Fuck everybody who doesn't like it. When people start interfering in my friendships, even if they're a little strained at the time, that's where I have to draw the goddam line. It's hard enough for me to maintain friendships as it is without other assholes getting in the way. Damn.

Oh, she called me today, too, just right out of the blue. We talked for another hour or so. I should have asked if she wanted to hang out tomorrow.

The Letter

I did call her before she read this and we talked. The conversation went very well. I'll talk about that next time. But this is the letter I wrote prior to that phone call.

*****

Dear Cookie,

I hate this. There, I said it. It's true. I hate
it. It sucks. It's terrible. I don't want to do it
anymore.

Sure, I was a little hurt, confused, disappointed, and
depressed. Sure, people were telling me you were
saying this and that. I don't care. I don't care
who said what to who or why. I don't care what
anyone's problem with anyone else is. I miss you. I
miss talking to you. I miss hanging out with you. I
miss all of it.

I like you. That might have been what caused the
problem or scared you off or whatever happened. I
don't care. I *do* like you. I haven't stopped. I'm
not going to stop. That's just the way it is. I told
you it was too late, and it is. I like you and that's
my cross to bear. It doesn't have to be a problem or
come between us. It was never my intention to push it
any further than you knowing I like you.

I understand the what and why of everything you said.
You don't want to hurt me, and I appreciate that you
feel that way, because usually nobody cares a whole
lot whether or not they hurt me. You're probably
right about the apartment thing, and it probably would
be a disaster, and you probably would be better off
with someone else as a roomie. It changes nothing for
me. I still miss you.

This week hasn't been any fun for me. It's been kind
of miserable. And whatever the hell that was that
happened yesterday wasn't initiated by me, and was
done against my wishes. I figured you and I would
eventually work our own stuff out, and we were
starting to do that before other jerks got involved
and made it worse. And I spent most of today thinking
it was done now and you were pissed at me. Maybe you
are. I don't know.

Either way, this sucks and I hate it.

I would rather just talk to you about it sometime when
you aren't busy and have the time. You know where to
find me and how to get ahold of me, and it's an open
invite. Anytime, Cookie.

Shaun

*****

Her e-mail response: "Ur gunna make me cry."

*****

Sometimes I do know what I'm doing after all.

Cookie Crumbs

The problem with me is that I won't stay angry. Oh, I'll get angry, sure. That's easy. But it has a shelf-life, and someone has to really deal me some serious hurting for it to stick. And while I was angry enough to be kind of a prick, I was nowhere near angry enough to really get a big mad on for that girl, and consequently I'm not mad at her. I'm angry at things being the way they are, but I can't maintain any anger at Jen. I just can't. She didn't really take the extra steps necessary for me to get to that point and I can't maintain any hostile feelings like I've been feeling this week. In fact, I think now that maybe I was *too* angry yesterday, and maybe I enjoyed writing that post too much. I don't know if that makes me a schmuck or not, but there you go. I don't hate Jen, I don't dislike the girl, and I'm not even mad at her.

Today, near the end of the shift, I developed a different sort of anger. She and I didn't really exist in the same world today, which is probably due to yesterday's official involvement, which I never asked for, which I would just as soon as not happened. I think Jen and I would have eventually worked out our own bullshit, and we were starting to do that, but yesterday probably did make it worse. I couldn't tell today if she was pissed off at me or what. Except ...

Twice. Two times near the end of the day we made eye contact, and I could tell this was really bothering her. We didn't say anything, but if there's one thing I can do it's read somebody's eyeballs. Before I knew it we were all out at the company meeting and there was no way for me to do anything, and then everybody left, and I lost her in the crowd and didn't get a chance to say anything. But from the point where the second of the two looks occurred I started to stew over everything that's happened the past few weeks and that other kind of anger started to boil. It's the same kind of anger that led to me taking a swing at the paper towel dispenser in the Diner bathroom after Becky toyed with my emotions one time too many. I put a hole in it and everything (it was plastic), and broke my knuckles open. I was so keyed up that I didn't even know they were bleeding until Dan pointed it out. It was that kind of anger.

I hate this. I don't care about all the other bullshit. I don't care who said what to who about what for whatever reason. I miss her. I miss talking to her. I miss hanging out with her. I don't care if she and I ever become a couple or not. She's my friend, god dammit. That's what I fucking care about. She's my friend, I like her, and fuck everything else.

So I wrote off a very powerful e-mail about that and sent it about half an hour ago. I'd rather she read that letter first before I try anything else, but I want to call her, too. I'll do that later.

Right now I need to go out for a drive.

Trench Warfare

So she tries to be a little Molly Badass, but it's hard to keep a straight face. "Come on, that's adorable." I'm sure that's pretty vexing for her, when I don't take that as seriously as she'd like, but again, I come from the mean streets of Western Mass and there isn't a damn rabbit she can pull out of her hat that I haven't seen before. And for my part, while I may not be one of the badass ballbusting female engines of destruction that my home state produces, I've picked up a few things in my 36 years that I can put to good use. See, I may not be as kickass as Guinevere, as much of a hardass as Ohio, or as frightening as Meredith, but I have a good amount of guile in my basic make-up that makes up for those deficiencies. In other words, I know how to play this game. And in this case, she's the visiting team playing on my home turf: that company, my department.

See, I don't hate this girl. I think her attitude is a little misguided. I do think she's passing up a decent chance at a nice relationship just because she's too scared to take a chance on something. She's being chickenshit is what I mean. I can't hate her for that. I've given in to fears like that in the past, so I know how it is. If that's all this was it would be no big deal, and I'd keep chipping away at her armor bit by little bitty bit until she either caved in or we called it quits. But her attitude is a little off-putting, and her going around to everyone in the department and discussing our business is extremely annoying. So I've kept a strict policy of 'no comment' all this week. Of course when Starr asks me something, or June brings something up, then I'll comment. But as far as opening the book of my personal life to everyone at work, well that isn't going to happen. Ever.

Leading up to all of this she was extremely flirty. Think of the stuff Jayme used to regularly do to people, and that's fairly close. She'd call me 'Sparky', and she'd kind of hang on me, and stuff like that, in full view of everyone out in the cafe during lunch, while I would mostly play it straight. Sure, I'd call her 'Cookie', but rarely in earshot of anyone else, and besides, I make up nicknames for everyone. Anyway, the last few weeks I've been fielding questions from all corners of the building. Are we an item? Am I having an affair with that girl? And in answer to everything I make no comment. And these people are seeing everything else, all the flirting and the other things she does.

And then there's this week. I blew off Monday. If ever there was a good day to just up and skip work it was that day. While I was gone she laid enough track around the department to feed the gossip mill for weeks to come, which is about what I expected. It was enough, at least, that when I did come in Tuesday Sue kept us seperated. I worked with Starr and she worked with June. I couldn't have planned that better if I'd planned it. But it was apparent that both Starr and June knew something was afoot. Sometimes you can just tell, and Starr pretty much told me that she never shut up all day long on Monday. Even Sue came by and asked if I was all right, and there was obviously additional knowledge behind her question, and I called her on it, and she couldn't cover it up. I can tell. I know these people.

Most of Tuesday I avoided or ignored her. Not because I dislike her or anything, but I just didn't have much to say. And the whole "Hey June, tell Starr to tell him everything I said to her yesterday so I don't have to" thing doesn't really impress me. If you can't tell me yourself, I don't really care to know. Anyway, the weather around me was chilly and cold all day Tuesday and into Wednesday, and I was so dickish and stand-offish that she was finally forced to come up and ask, "So, are you not talking to me ever again or what?" The first time she asked I was non-committal. I'll let you know. During first break she asked my why I was being such a "fucking snob", and then walked off. I had to laugh at that. Skip thought that was pretty hilarious, although he remembered it as "fucking prick" later that afternoon. Finally, at the end of the day she asked me again if I was ever going to talk to her, and I said, "I'm not not talking to you now." She seemed to settle for that, although it isn't like it used to be, and I'm not going to pretend that it is.

Despite that, I was once again "a fucking snob" today. She kept up the rounds around the department, and I continued to keep my head and say nothing. June finally got fed up with it and talked to Sue, Sue then talked to Starr, and then Sue talked to me privately. She's aware of all the talk. Several people have voiced concerns over it. I kind of shrugged it off as mildly annoying, but not something I was going to bring up to her. She knows I keep my private life as private as possible anyway. She knows where everything is coming from. She even mentioned that someone in her other area had asked, "What is that girl doing to Shaun?" I'm something of a hot topic, apparently. It's very Medical Center. So she was going to have a talk with Jen about all this, and she did right after lunch. I was working elsewhere by the time it was over, so I didn't really hear about the splash up from it, if there was any.

In fact, the only other interaction I almost had with her was when I was over doing dimension checks in the darkroom. Starr, Sue, and Debbie were over there. June and Jen came over to ask some question of Sue. June said something smart-alecky to me, and Debbie interjected with, "Don't pick on my Shaunie!" I knew who all was standing right behind me, so even though I think my eyes dilated, I did not turn around or even move my head. It got a big laugh after they left. Debbie, who was sitting right next to me, told me she got the worst evil eye she'd ever seen.

That's where we pick up tomorrow. As the world turns, these are the days of our lives......

Tough Cookies

I come from Massachusetts, where I lived for almost thirty years. That in and of itself isn't a terribly significant fact. But when a Vermont girl tries to sell herself as the biggest badass in the world, at the ripe age of 20, I can't help but roll my eyes at it. Ok, maybe you're kinda tough, maybe you're kinda bitchy, you can be hard to deal with, but the thing is, honey, that I come from Massachusetts and I've seen it all. Down there *all* the girls are like you. They're raised that way, to be evil and venomous backstabbing whores. There are exceptions to be sure, like my awesome sister, maybe a few others, but the overwhelming evidence supports my hypothesis. Girls from Massachusetts are evil to the bone and rotten to the core. Once you've spent fifteen years in the Baystate dating pool you're tough enough to survive most things that any other woman can throw at you.

I've dated much worse than you. I was married to one of the worst pieces of work you'll ever meet, for crying out loud. And I've spent time with some real examples of human scum and trailer trash, women who will rip out your heart, show it to you, laugh, and then crush it under their heel. I've dealt with married women, psycho bitches, prostitutes, drug addicts, strippers, drunk crazy whores, and some really dangerous characters. And I mostly got out of all of those encounters without a scratch on me. I might have some emotional scarring here and there, but that just makes me more durable.

Now take the medical center. That was a place filled with tough bitches, girls with a lot of moxie, and gutsy chicks. And any one of them were perfectly willing to be confrontational and tell you flat out what they thought. Because that's what girls in Massachusetts do. They don't pussyfoot around, man. It's all right there laid out on the line, whether you like it or not, whether it hurts your feelings or not. They don't patronize you or try to soften the blow. They just kick you right in the nuts. You have to respect that.

Compared to the situation up here, anyway, which makes it a little harder for me to respect the person.

Frustrated Incorporated

Observant readers, and especially Guinevere, may have spotted the hidden subtext in the middle paragraph of yesterday's post, and indeed there really was subtext hidden there. The running subplot of this blog has hit something of a snag, and a little while ago I sent out an e-mail that put the kibosh on the roommates thing with you know who. It was the right thing to do. There's really no other way around it.

We had a confrontation of sorts. She challenged me, more or less, to say no. It was a showdown. There was no resolution right there on the spot, but I told her I'd think it over.

Here's how I break this down:
--I like her.
--She knows I like her.
--She likes me, too.
--That scares her.
--She's afraid that one of us is going to severely hurt the other.
--Therefore, becoming roommates with this between us will only lead to disaster.

That's probably true. Living with Shannon was great, but it was also painful and hard, because I really liked her a lot, and may have been all the way in love with her. I'm not going as far as to say that in this case, but I do like Jen a whole awful lot. Living in the same apartment, but not together, would be hard. And she's pulling back, because of her history, because she's been hurt, because she's hurt other people. I could argue this all night and then some, but she's pulling back nevertheless.

So there wasn't a lot of choice there.

No roomies. I'm staying put right here for now.

And there will be some discussion of the rest if I have my way. The reason that she and I don't work out will *not* be because I was too chickenshit to take a chance on the unknown.

But if that's what she wants, I can do that.

The Sound of Her Wings

It was inevitable that I would use this blog to talk about her sooner or later, and let me preface the whole thing by admittin that I know I'm batshit looney. This subject, usually kept to myself, came up in an offhand way yesterday and she's been on my mind since. Let's be honest, she's on my mind a lot, somewhere in the background, and more frequently when I sleep, but I almost never talk about her with anyone else. A small handful know of her, and even among that group I'm reluctant to talk about this, maybe because I think it makes people uncomfortable, maybe because it's my own personal thing that I like to keep to myself. The book I'm working on, however, is just as much for her as it is for her mother. When it's finally done I hope some of the ghosts haunting me will be exorcised, but I know I won't forget either one of them, and I have no intention of trying.

It's funny how I meet girls who are convinced they need to back away because they'll hurt me. I may wear my heart on my sleeve sometimes, and that does make me vulnerable, but I'm harder to actually hurt than I probably seem to be to most observers. I've already survived the three or four worst things that I'll probably ever be faced with, and just what do they really think they can do to me that'll make me feel worse than those things have? I haven't had a bad life. I haven't had to deal with the horrible things that people I know have had to deal with. I'm not comparing myself to them. But really, come on.

I know what she looks like. I knew, because I saw her, even before she had a name. Her name came much later. It had to wait until I could deal with the concept. First, I had to wake up. Thanks to Shannon, I did. Then I had to start to deal with how I felt about it, which I had never done. I'd dealt with the feelings towards her mother to some degree, but never fully. Her I never dealt with at all. But I'd seen her, and I knew what her voice sounded like, and I decided she needed to have a name. Coming up with just the right one took me around two hours of brainstorming in a hospital waiting room while Dan was waiting for his wife to give birth. I was alone there with my thoughts and started working it out. I don't know if this makes me crazy. I don't care. She deserved a name.

My little girl needed a name.

Get Up Get Up and Get Down

Yesterday I felt bulletproof. It's hard to remember a day when I felt more alive and invincible. First, Jen brokered an end to the civil war between SD and I, which is something I'll always appreciate her doing. SD and I then had a very interesting conversation concerning the person who'd really been pulling the strings that put her and I at odds: our fat, lying whore of a team leader. Following that, Jen and I had a talk ourselves. I don't actually remember how we got on the subject, but we ended up discussing whether or not we were on the same page with things. I really wasn't sure. There were things I believed, yes, but without confirmation who really knows for sure? So we discussed it. She knows where I stand. I know where she stands. They aren't really that far apart. And we came pretty close to admitting that we're going out, without either of us putting it like that. She's had some rough going in the past, and this is hard for her, but what we said made me feel pretty good about it all. After work we hung out for a few hours and that went well, too. I felt great. Bulletproof.

Today things seemed a little bit off. It could just be me. I do overthink things. But things did seem a little off, and I left work feeling far less bulletproof and a lot more vulnerable. I don't know. Right now as I'm writing this my feeling is that I'm just being stupid. And maybe I am.

But tell that to the knot in my stomach.

Raining Chocolate Chips

In this strange kinda sorta pseudo relationship thing that Jen and I have going on, there's another kinda sorta date scheduled for Friday night. This one, and it was her idea, is a Movie/Pizza/Beer night, after which she's sleeping over as we intend to be trashed. Yes, it was her idea. The strange thing is that almost everytime we've hung out so far it's been her idea, which does take a lot of pressure off of me since obviously she does enjoy spending time with me. That's pretty clear, huh? It's a lot better than doing it the other way around, where I'm circling the drain while trying to find some foothold to keep me from being washed down the pipes. Now that's stressful.

So Movie/Pizza/Beer night has me excited and a little nervous. It is strange, isn't it? She and I are right at the edge of this being an actual relationship; it's probably about as close as either of us are comfortable getting right now. And that's fine. I'm really enjoying what's happening, so don't look for me to rock the boat. I like hanging out with her, and I've gotten myself to a good mental place where I can just enjoy all this without being destroyed by angst. Can you imagine that? I'm in the middle of this and I'm angst-free. It boggles the imagination.

Sunday she called me from the top of a mountain, where she and her dog were hanging out. She asked me up, so I went. I didn't know if I'd make it up there without a cardiac related incident, but I wasn't going to tell her that. I did make it, but I was sucking wind. How nice is it where she'll just call me out of the blue to come intrude on her Sunday afternoon with her dog? This is the nice place where I currently find myself.

The job/apartment search also continues. Whew. Things are hopping.

Oh, that situation with SD might be smoothing out, too. I found the right moment today after work and nailed the opportunity. Don't underestimate me. I'm full of surprises.

And I went to Borders and did some work. How did I do? I KILLED.

Good day. Very good day.

Bloody Well Right

All right. All right. Let's talk about something else, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

But what?

I'm tired. My brain is a little fried. I'm still emotionally exhausted (even though today was a pretty good day). I don't feel like going to work tomorrow. The various changes that I may be making in the near future with my life have me a little worried and scared. I'm not sure what I'm doing, at all. So coming up with a new and different topic to talk about, as much as I would really like to, just may not happen tonight.

I got nothing.

Fire Walk With Me

What's happening right now can't help but make me think of Shannon. I haven't seen her in years, but at one point she saved my life, and then subsequently became someone very important to me. This was the spring and summer of 1995, a huge transition year for me for a whole ton of reasons. At the center of all that transition was Shannon, who saved my life. I don't mean she pulled me from a car wreck or took a bullet for me, or anything like that. But in a way that mattered quite a bit she did indeed save my life. Because of her, and her alone, I was able to extricate myself from the unknown horror of She Who Will Not Be Named. Without her timely interference I don't know what would have become of me.

I was in love with Shannon. I'm not sure how painfully obvious that fact was to other people, but it was never spoken between she and I. She may have felt something for me, but nothing I can confirm. I just suspected it. She came on like a ton of bricks right away. I met her through one of X's friends, and we hit it off right away. Shannon was in a relationship, and so was I, but we were best pals almost from the get go. It was crazy. That sort of thing almost never happens to me. By the summer when all four of us moved into that two bedroom on Davis Street she and I were tight. I think to any casual observer of the scene it would have appeared that Shannon and I were the couple, because we were just so close.

I do get infatuated with people easily. My history is dotted with countless examples of how that's true, but I was in love with Shannon. It was hard, it was difficult, it was painful. Oh, was it painful. I hung out with her everyday after work until bedtime. We did everything together, went everywhere together, and we were pretty much inseperable for all those months. And this was true while X was still in the house, and it was true while Kenny lived there the whole time. She wasn't my girlfriend, but Shannon totally stole me away from my ex wife lock, stock, and two smoking barrels ... and she did it right in front of her eyes. Meanwhile, I moved right in on Shannon right in front of Kenny, and it didn't bother me a bit. I wanted her so bad. I'm not sure that it was even this bad with Jacquie three years later. That was a harsh crush to suffer, but Shannon might have been worse due to the constant proximity and all. And while I knew Jacquie was out of my league, I did not have that same block against Shannon. If the opportunity had arisen, and if that apartment situation didn't eventually fall apart, I might have done something horrible.

She had a baby girl when I met her. She was pregnant with a second baby also when I met her. For reasons I won't discuss in this post, that made her all the more irresistible. There was one time she and I were out driving around and she told me that she wished that I was the father instead of Kenny. I could have died right there on the spot. There were other times, when she would say something smaller but no less meaningful, but that one moment was the closest she ever came to letting me know that she liked me. If there was a way that I could have gotten Kenny out of the picture and put myself in his place I would have done it in a heartbeat. I know that sounds terrible, and truth be told, I did like Kenny, but I was a goner. I spent so many nights laying there awake in my bed, alone, figuring out how to do away with him.

Becky is Shannon's half-sister. I think the horrifying crush I developed on Becky grew out of my frustration over the situation with Shannon. It was a deflection of some kind. I'm not saying it didn't feel like the real thing, because the weight of that crush almost destroyed me, and it led to me punching a hole through a plastic paper towel dispenser at the Diner three years later, but I wasn't in love with Becky like I was with Shannon.

But in the end I think it worked out the way it needed to. Shannon was put in my path to help save my life, and she did, and then the Wheel moved me along somewhere else (I'll do a post on Milta sometime later). For that summer Shannon was my best friend in the world and my closest confidant. How much would have changed if she and I had coupled up? I have to wonder if that would have ruined the whole thing. And I have to conclude that the very important role that Shannon played in my life at that time superceded my need to be in a full relationship with her.

I have a crush on Jen now. The same thing might be true with her. She's a good friend of mine, and important things might take place due to that friendship, and the friendship is very important to me right now.

I am afraid of screwing it up.

No Leaf Clover

This is hard to do. I know I have cousins out there now with blogs of their own, which I haven't read, but I'm going to guess that, sight-unseen, those blogs aren't nearly as heavy as this one has been and will continue to be. I'm also going out on a limb to guess that my blogging relatives have an easier time of discussing what's going on in their lives than I do here. That's one argument in favor of continuing on with my other blog: even in my worst moments and during my most depressing states, the other blog is lightened with some acerbic humor and sarcasm. And that's due in large part to the creative process I have to go through to make those posts work. Here I'm just opening up my belly and letting my innards spill all over, and it isn't pretty. That isn't easy for me to do, either. And that's why I never do this for long. The last incarnation of Stray Bullets only lasted 11 posts, and I don't think any of those were nearly as personally gut-wrenching to produce as the half dozen we have here now (including this one).

It also raises the question of who I want reading this. The other blog has an established audience, which is right now the only thing still holding me there, but this one ... ? So far I have Guinevere, my faithful friend and confidant, and that's it. I have the intention of e-mailing my sister to see if she's interested; I do know she's read the other one off and on. I will feel a little guilty if I don't at least mention to my mom that a blog exists, even if ..... geez, I dunno. I just don't know. And at some point if or when Jen reads some of this I may end up feeling like a complete tool. So really, this blog at best is only going to have a very limited readership.

Which is probably for the best.

I Don't Get It.

So given the way things were left off on Thursday, you must know what I was thinking. I was expecting Jen would come in and be distant, because what else would "I should just back off" mean? And probably no more hanging out, no more being close pals, no more whatever. Are you with me? Am I being off the wall there? What would you think it means? So I was in at 6. She came in at 7, came right over to me and said, "We're going on a road trip after work."

Huh. It was almost like nothing happened. The other situation with SD was still in effect, but Jen and I were fine. I don't understand. I'm not complaining, mind you. But I don't get it. She still wanted to hang out, she still wants to be roomies, and so forth. It's twisting my brain. I do think I know why I isolated myself so long ago, because I'm really not sure I'm still cut out to co-exist with people in the world anymore. I used to be reasonably good at it, but now it's a gigantic roller coaster that I can barely handle. Of course, if I didn't like this girl a lot ... this would be so much easier. But since I do, it's just a gut-wrenching ride at every turn.

Yeah, so we hung out for a while and had a good time. Although, by then I was just emotionally exhausted from the cumulative effect of this week, and I said so. I'm not sure she understood what I meant, but that's ok.

It's my cross to bear.

Shaun is Getting Upset!

Jesus Christ, how the hell am I going to explain this clusterfuck of a day so that it's understandable? I don't even understand it myself, so good fucking luck with that. I'm boiling with rage right now. It's enough that I can barely control the shaking in my fingers enough to type this out, so if none of this ends up making a damn lick of sense I apologize, but god damn it I have to get some of this shit out of my system before it poisons me and I drown in a pool of bile. I feel like I want to explode, and maybe I will. And maybe, just maybe, my days of working for that shithole of a company are almost over. And it won't be soon enough for me, baby.

This place has always been a little off, but somehow it's devolved into the Medical Center, and as Guinevere will know that isn't a good comparison. I mentioned yesterday there was some drama. Well, I'm enjoying it less. And it might have just helped ruin something for me. Yes. THAT. Oh, and when I left there today there was a deep black rage in my heart that I could barely control. Violent thoughts. Very violent thoughts. I don't know how things are going to play out tomorrow, but I am going to tell Susan, my lead person, that we need to have a little conference. Just she and I. And I'm going to tell her that I'm actively looking for other employment. And since I carry a lot of that department, and since I'm about the only person there she can actually depend on when things get hairy, that should hopefully put a fear of holy god into her. No, I don't want her to fix anything. That isn't what this is about. I can handle my own shit, thank you very fucking much. But I'm not bluffing either. I am getting myself out of there. I'm fed up. I've had it. It's done.

That company has taken enough from me.

I've gotten to this point of the post and I don't even really want to talk about it. This is why I got so comfortable doing the other thing online. These things were so much easier to deal with through that filter, and I could just set myself aside and work through the creative steps necessary for it all to make sense. Now I just have to deal with my own actual rage and emotional turmoil, and it sucks. But that's what happens when someone you've worked with for five years, and a "friend" of mine at that, takes a knife and shoves it through your ribcage. And why? For what? I did not do a god damn thing to her. Nothing. And I'd be honest with you here if I had, too. I'm usually aware of when I've been an asshole, and I'll freely admit it. This isn't one of those times.

Let's see. I am, however, very chummy with Jen. Oh, and we were seen leaving together the other afternoon, right? And then the next day is when the chilliness started. Ahhhh HA! Yeah, so someone may have a teensy weensy problem with who I choose to hang out with in my free time. Well, tough shit. I've catered to her pissy ass bad attitude in the past, and I'm done doing that. Done. If just the general icy feelings between SD and I were where it ended, however, it would be a pain in the ass and it would make work uncomfortable, but I could deal with it. But wait. It gets worse.

At the end of the day I was out back cleaning my squeeges. Jen was also out there cleaning. SD came by the doorway and said, "Sue wants you to move that screen", and an Artic breeze blew through the room. Even Jen, who was dubious about what I knew was going on was like "whoa, dude". I went out to move the screen and both SD and Sue were out there talking about something, and I was pretty much wired for sound by this point, and I said something under my breath, and Sue asked "what?" and I just said nothing nevermind. I was very obviously agitated. I don't know if Sue would have known why or not. She did mention to Jen yesterday, during a private discussion, that she "knows something is going on between us. She doesn't know what? But there's definitely something." I'm not sure what business it is of everyone's what I do or don't do when I'm off the clock. Nothing is affecting my work. If anything I've been more productive. This always happens. If I have good chemistry with Dave or Josh that's fine. If it's a female OH HO HO HOLY SHIT, we've got to put a stop to that. I swear that my co-workers and so-called friends are only happy when I'm miserable. Anytime I might find a friend that needs to be stomped out.

This roller coaster is killing me.

I went out back and Jen and I got into a big discussion about what the fuck was going on. Of course, she feels bad that she's at the center of the hurricane and might be the cause of all the trouble between SD and I. Of course, she isn't the cause of it, but I know why she might feel that way. And having been there myself, I know that it totally sucks. But I'm sticking with the decisions I've made so far. I like Jen. She's my friend. She's my partner. And that's just all there is to it.

We spoke a little outside. I was very wound up, angry, and all that, but mostly just disgusted. Jen wanted to force the issue with SD, but I wanted none of it. Not only do I think SD won't tell me what the problem is, but I don't think she'll even admit there is a problem. She's ornery like that. She'll throw you under the bus in a heartbeat, and while she's done that to lots and lots of new people, the most I've ever gotten was some snide snarky attitude from time to time... never anything like this. But then Jen said the thing that put me right on the edge of a meltdown: "Well, if this is going to cause trouble between you and her I should just back off." Yeah. How's that for a kick in the head. I tried to argue that, but in my state of mind I don't think I did very well with it, but I said, "That won't make anything better." "Well, it can't make it worse." "Oh yeah?"

SD came out, Jen tried to jump in and ask her what was up, and I just walked away. Jen chased me down, we talked a little more, and I don't think it was left on a great note. Granted, I overthink and worry about these things, but I dearly wish I had those few minutes to do over. I really think I could have left it in a much better place. And that's what I hate about this the most. I'm all filled with doubt and uncertainty again. I don't know how things are going to be tomorrow between Jen and I. I have a plan for how to attack it, but I don't know if I'm going to get the opportunity.

I wish it were morning right now.

Why Do You Do What You Do To Me, Cookie?

So yesterday she and I did end up hanging out after work. In fact, I left work in the passenger seat of her car, because we had somewhere to be, and we hung out until around 10:00. Mostly what we did was talk, and it was very enjoyable. But let me back up and hit some points.

*Leaving work. Yeah, so we left together in her car. This was seen by just about everyone, and as there's already been gossip about the two of us, now everyone thinks something is going on between us. That's ok with me, by the way. Let them think that. I enjoy it. She and I are having a lot of fun with the rumors. She's getting a little attitude from IB, who she knows from a previous job, and who obviously has a case of the Screaming Red Hots for her. Somehow, I'm not getting any of that attitude myself. However, SD, who I've worked with for five years now, was kinda icy today. I have a theory on that, which may or may not have any bearing on anything, but I know she has to be aware of the rumors, and I think she resents it. Furthermore, this is the first time that I'm sticking up for one of the new people when she goes on a tizzy, and I don't think she likes that either. Interesting times.

*Places to go. She had a lead on a job opportunity, and she asked me to go along with her. We both took applications. Hers was handed in, but I had to take mine with me to get some other info. The job is a fair distance from here, and I don't know if they'll be interested in either one of us, but what the heck? I'm burned out at the current job, and even though I've been an inspired team player of late, I'm long overdue in getting the hell out of there. Am I right? There's also some loose talk about becoming roomies, as we could both stand to upgrade our current living conditions. That would put me back into a Shannon type situation, which I really enjoyed, but ultimately didn't end well. That's true, but Jen isn't exactly Shannon, either, and as far as the roomies idea goes, that's a good thing. For instance, I don't think she'd sell anything of mine to finance a bag of pot. But this is a discussion for a later post.

*Talking. After our field trip we hung out and talked over a picnic table for several hours. We covered all kinds of things under the sun. Work issues were talked about. Some cards were put on the table. She knows I like her (she already did, by the way, and I knew she knew). There are some ghosts of her past that make things like this difficult for her, but I believe she did come as close as she's humanly possible to telling me that she does in fact like me, too. I'd been on a roller coaster lately, feeling this way and that, but this conversation helped me feel a lot better. I brought up some other things that were on my mind, and we talked about those. She told me her deepest, darkest secrets -- none of which I will ever discuss here or elsewhere. I told her some of mine, including the big one, which will almost certainly come up in a post here sooner or later. A big conversation resulted from that, which made me think about things a little differently. It was just a great conversation.

She and I have good chemistry. I think she could be a very important friend of mine.