Badass Hall of Fame: Hawkgirl

Now this is an idea I've had for several months now. Seeing as I enjoy things that skew to the badass so much, I've decided to do a monthly Hall of Fame induction celebrating the baddest of the badasses.

We'll start off with a personal favorite of mine: Hawkgirl.



Now this will require some discussion and differentiation. For more than twenty years I'd been reading comics of all kinds, and Hawkgirl was never more than a minor character in any of them. She was only sort of a member of the Justice League of America, and only then because she was the wife of, and partner of, the more well known superhero Hawkman.



And as such, I paid little attention to her. It wasn't until this decade when the outstanding animated show, Justice League (and later Justice League Unlimited), begain airing on the Cartoon Network that I started to notice her after she started hanging around in this company.



This "Big 7" is a little different from the traditional JLA line-up from the comic books, as seen here.



Most people expected the original Big 7 to appear in the cartoon, but instead of Hal Jordan, or even Kyle Raynor, as Green Lantern, they gave us John Stewart. That made sense, because it gave the League more ethnic diversity whereas either of the other available Lanterns would have given the team too much of a white bread feeling, if you know what I mean. But it was Hawkgirl's inclusion that really made me scratch my head.

I knew that, obviously, Aquaman had been taken out of consideration so they could add another female to the group, but I couldn't understand why they wouldn't go with either the Black Canary or Zatanna, and instead included such an obscure character as Hawkgirl. It just didn't make sense.



Then I started to watch the show, and it made total sense. This version of Hawkgirl, Shayera Hol from the planet Thanagar, was fierce, was a warrior, and had that tough girl attitude that I always find so attractive. She quickly became my favorite member of the team and my all around favorite part of the show. Episodes that featured her prominently became my favorites. Episodes where she didn't appear didn't interest me nearly as much.



At the end of the second season it was revealed that she was really there on Earth in advance of a Thanagarian invasion, and even though she'd pretty much "gone native" by that point, she was still complicit in the invasion ... until she had a change of heart in the third act and helped save the Earth. Even so, she'd been tarnished by the events, and while the rest of the League was voting on whether or not to kick her off the team, she decided to leave on her own.



At this point the show became Justice League Unlimited. Instead of two-part stories, the shows were mostly done-in-ones, and instead of focusing on the Big 7, the spotlight was often given to lesser known heroes. Some of them, like Green Arrow, Black Canary, and Supergirl, I welcomed to the show. But a lot of the others I could have done without. I felt the show was too crowded. And with Hawkgirl, still my favorite character, off the team and out of the show, I ended up not watching most of these episodes until much later.

She didn't reappear until somewhere around the 13th episode, as kind of an outsider, working with other characters along the fringe. Some of the Leaguers had forgiven her, and others still didn't trust her. And during the rest of the show's run she slowly worked her way back into the team and regained the trust she'd lost.



There is a Hawkgirl currently in the comic books, but she's a character I'm not all too familiar with. She seems like a fine character and all, but she isn't the Shayera that I came to really appreciate from the animated series.

That's the Hawkgirl that I love.

Why Don't We Do It In The Road?

All right. So I survived last week's onslaught of too many hours and I made it through my fourth Inventory, and already it's late Sunday night. I have to go back to work already? How the hell did it come around so fast? I need a vacation. While I have a number of other fun related posts to make for this thing here, I'm too tired right now to jump into them, so they'll have to wait until tomorrow or the day after. Instead, let's catch up on things.

I was desperate to get some writing done today. I was also afraid that if I hung around here I'd distract myself with all the other things I felt like doing, so I hopped in the car and went over to Borders to kick it old school again. When last I left the chapter it was in the middle of the latest Laurel scene. I finished that pretty easily, and with only a minimum of tuning up. Right now I'm very happy with how it came out. Next, I jumped right into the concluding scene of the chapter, which is the introduction of the Beth character. This scene is really nuts, and like the card game chapter, it's something I enjoy a whole lot. It needed more of a tuning than the Laurel scene, and that's what I worked on. What I like is that Beth is a loveable and fun character while still being kind of a jerk (although she treats Kelly and Ben rather well), which is a fun thing to play around with. That's part of the reason I enjoy some of my other characters so much, too. I left it off right before the three of them go across the universe, so to speak, which is something that'll probably be a little controversial with some parts when it's read, but that kind of consideration isn't something I can worry about if I'm going to write this book. After all, it gets worse starting with the next chapter.

Inventory was fine. It was a little more frenzied than the last couple, though. Our cell nailed it hard, and we were done by 9:30. There were only a few annoying things, like the bolt-fit stuff being picked through by the other know-it-alls after Cooter and I were finished with it, but overall we did pretty well. For whatever reason the Mark II cell, which is run by Karen (who I've mentioned before with the incredible rear end) was lagging way behind, so I went over and helped fill out tags so they could be run into the computer. It's a little daunting working with parts I know nothing about, but it turns out I was a huge help for them.

Then it was just a matter of cooling our heels and waiting for the computer to spit out the list of disputed parts. As usual, the people who had been there longer got to go home around noonish while Cooter and I waited around. We really need to hire some new people so that I'm not the lowest on the totem pole anymore, you know? The list came out around 3:00, like usual, and then the hunt began. Most of our stuff was ok and we only had to recount a few things. Most of the discrepancies were related to errors in keying in the tags that were brought over to the person (Christy) who was logging them in. Mark II had a lot of kick-outs, though, so after we were done we helped them sort through it, which led to more frenzy. If it's hard filling out tags on parts I don't know, it's super hard trying to find parts I've never seen before.

We finally got out of there at 3:45, bringing my weekly total of hours to the neighborhood of 67, which was exhausting but should yield a really good paycheck come Thursday. Whew. I'm glad it's over.

One of the best things about Inventory is the increased presence of Tigger and Pooh Bear, two attractive young ladies who work out in the office doing somesuch thing or other. I don't know their names, but man alive are they nice to look at. I see Tigger much more often than her friend, since she has an office right off of the hallway that goes to the Machine Shop, and therefore is right on my way to the door to the outside world. What? Oh, the nickname. She has a really funny, distinct walk. I think it's the way she swings her arms or something, but she seems to hop up and down on every step. Really, it's like she bounces along on an invisible tail. So I started referring to her as Tigger while talking to Cooter. Her friend is shorter, a little rounder, but *really* adorable, and is actually the one I prefer. For a while, lacking an idea for a nickname, I was just calling her "Tigger's Friend". Pooh Bear finally clicked in my head during Inventory.

While I watch them walk by, I've been BCL'ed by both. That's a term I haven't used in at least eight years, and is Dinerspeak for "Been Caught Looking". That's a term developed by Dan and me way back at the Diner, which I think is fairly self-explanatory. I've been BCL'ed by Tigger at least twice, and had a really bad one with Pooh Bear somewhere around Thursday (when I really lost track of the days, so who knows?). Whoops.

Amanda, the snooty one, formerly of our cell (she was transferred to the 10/22 line a few weeks back), might be breaking up with her boyfriend, who works in Mark II. I don't know this to be true, but that's what Cooter thinks. Seriously, though, he's been speculating on this for months now, so I'll believe it when I see it. Cooter thinks, though, that I should take a shot at her. Apparently, and I don't know this to be true either, Amanda is kinda easy. She seems a little stand-offish to me, but whatever. Cooter thinks it's doable.

Him: "Come on. Go for it."
Me: "Yeah, but I have some kind of idea what sort of headache she'd be, too."
Him: "All right. So just use her as a fuckbuddy."
Me: (pause) "Well, that I can do."

A few minutes later--
Me: "So what you're saying is that I should boldly go where ... many men have gone before."
He laughed over that for at least three minutes. And yes, I totally stole that line from Almost Famous.


There was a space of a few minutes where the subject had lapsed, and then Karen walked by, who I'd forgotten to include, so I said, "Hmmmmm. Forgot about Karen." And my mind wandered off.

So he said, "Man, you need to get laid. You've got all kinds of pressure built up."

Yeah. No shit.

Fried

I'm too tired to do anything. I'm exhausted. I'm fried. I'm not even sure what day of the week it is. It may be Thursday night, but I dunno. So all I've done is have some fun here with the blog, watch some M*A*S*H* on dvd, have a couple of slices of pizza for dinner, and I went down to T-Birds to buy my morning chocolate milk from the *really* cute girl working there who I'm positive has to have a boyfriend because that's just the way it goes and my luck that way lately has been for shit. Anyway, I'm too pooped to pop.

Work has been ok despite the crazy hours. Yesterday and today (Wednesday and Thursday??) we only worked 11 hours because Barney was ready to jump ship at 5:00 yesterday afternoon and I really wasn't going to argue it. Today we just didn't have much to do. Fred and Brad spent all day on the repairs while the rest of us built (yesterday we started crappy and finished very strong; today was somewhat lackluster), so all Cooter and I did after the others left was clean up around the cell in preparation for Inventory, and I wrote up all of our bolt-fit scrap. Tomorrow afternoon (assuming tomorrow is Friday like I think it might be)? Who knows? Maybe we won't stay late at all. That's fine with me because I have to watch a movie so I can return it by closing tomorrow night and I could use the early jump. Not because it's an especially long movie (I have no idea how long it is), but because when I get home late I have no time to do anything.

I'm hanging around on AIM, too, tonight, but nobody's there. Even if anyone was, I can't imagine what kind of conversationalist I would be, because I feel really loopy right now. I'd probably just babble about Jen or Amy or the really attractive girl at T-Birds or the hottie who lives upstairs, because, well, that's the kind of shit on my mind right now. I'm only human, you know. And I'm tired of being alone. If I weren't alone right now maybe I wouldn't be so loopy. Or if I could have a cat.

I'd totally sneak a cat in here, though, if my apartment wasn't right off the driveway and I wasn't afraid the cat would spend all day while I'm at work sitting right in the window in full view of all my pet-less neighbors, at least one of whom might rat me out and get me in big trouble. That's the only negative to this apartment. Everything else has been great.

I'm going to go fall down now. Only two more days left of the work week.

I think.

Stray Bullets Goes to the Movies

Let's do another list, shall we? This time up it's....

Shaun's Ten Favorite Movies of All-Time

1. Almost Famous


2. Pulp Fiction


3. Boogie Nights


4. Lone Star


5. The Fisher King


6. Clerks


7. Star Wars


8. The Exorcist


9. Young Frankenstein


10. Kill Bill

Ask Captain America

Ok, so there's a few things I need some guidance on. I already know Calliope's opinion, and I already know Guinevere's opinion, but I still feel unsettled. So I thought I'd ask my childhood hero and favorite ever superhero -- Captain America -- for his opinion on a couple of things.

Ok, Cap. First off, I found Jennifer's phone number a couple of weeks back, but I still haven't called it. I do kinda miss her. Do you think I should call Jen?



Dammit!

Ok then, here's the next one. Cooter and Amy are fighting a lot, and it's conceivable that they may break up sometime in the near future. At one time she'd expressed some interest in me, but I've been torn ever since as to whether or not I should pursue it should they split up. What do you think?



Figures.

Well, what if I just had a one night stand with her then?



Oh COME ON.

Thanks for nothing, Cap.

Oofah

Being that I am the Geek of Geeks, I sometimes have some odd interests. Among them, women who dress up in costumes, aka cosplayers, are *really* hot.

What this says about me ... I dunno.

Virgorama

In his science fiction book The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams says "the meaning of life, the universe, and everything" is the number 42. This week you will prove that's wrong, as you accumulate substantial evidence that the meaning of life, the universe, and everything is actually 59. APRIL FOOL! The meaning of everything can't be reduced to one number, or even to a single theory or ideology. In fact, the meaning of everything is just the opposite: It's glorious mystery. It's gorgeous, mind-teasing ambiguity and fertile, fascinating chaos. Get out there and enjoy the prodigious, kaleidoscopic truth!

You know, there are times when I wish these horoscopes had more practical applications.

No Time Left For Me

Today was brutal. The guns did not want to go together well. I was short on firing pins, which meant I was missing pre-fires all over the place. Cooter was about as useless as could be, and spent most of the day doing anything but bolt-fitting, so I was more or less a solo act. I spent all of last week fighting that battle to get nowhere, so today I just decided I didn't give a fuck and just went about my business of doing the best I could. A couple of the others tried to get me fired up about it, but seeing as I tried to get somewhere with it last week and people like Jim just stayed out of it (more or less), I just shrugged my shoulders and went back to work. Oh, NOW you want to say something. Whatever.

Besides, they were getting on my nerves a little anyway. When things are going great and I have final build backed up across several racks, oh you don't hear a peep from them about it. If I'm struggling, then there are some snarky comments about things going slow. I know a lot of it is directed at Cooter, but with my busting my ass and doing the best I can, I can't help but take it a little personal. Good thing I'm staring to get a little mouthier there. It helps.

Even better. I'm working 12 hours ... all week. Barney came by and asked if anyone wanted to, and I thought long and hard before I agreed. I'm going to be one crispy French fry by the end of the week, especially since Saturday is going to be another 8 to 10 hour inventory day, but I can't pass up the money. Only Cooter and I agreed; everyone else laughed in Barney's face. Cooter didn't stay today, because he had some other obligation with some fathering class he's taking , so I was an island unto myself working on repairs. Luckily, those extra two hours went by pretty quick and I got a lot of them done.

But it was a crappy day overall.

*****

So I watched Running With Scissors and I really liked it. It took me a while to get into it, because at first I thought it was going to be one kind of movie and then it went in a few unexpected directions. It's based on a memoir by Augustyn Burroughs, which I haven't read, although I do remember seeing it at Borders several times. I generally don't read a lot of those types of books, for whatever reason, unless the person writing it is someone I'm a fan of (like Steve Martin's recent book, which was excellent), and I don't know why. There's a whole "based on a true story"/"inspired by true events" pet peeve of mine that I'll get into some other time, because it's hard to explain ... especially since the book I'm writing, while fictionalized quite a bit, is both of those things.

Anyway, I liked the movie. I found Augustyn very sympathetic, and maybe there's a little of me in there somewhere. I don't know where, but somewhere. Identification with a character always helps me get into things. I don't have a crazy ass family, and I wasn't sent to live with an even crazier ass family, but I could understand what he was going through. His mom, though, really pissed me off. I know she's mentally ill, and I shouldn't hold that against her, but she really made me angry most of the time. She came off as selfish and self-involved.

My favorite character, and this is probably no surprise, was Natalie, played by the always amazing Evan Rachel Wood. Seriously, has she ever been less than excellent in anything? I hope she sticks with the kind of movies I've been seeing her in so far and doesn't go the Stupid Comedy/Action Movie route. She's just too talented for that kind of thing, and the world needs more movies like Thirteen, Across the Universe, and this one. Natalie is about the polar opposite of her Lucy in ATU, but just as great. Oh, and I've met girls like her before. Several times. I saw a lot of Jennifer in Natalie, in fact.

The scene between Augustyn and Agnes at the end was really sweet. I was disappointed that Natalie didn't show, but that's how things go for me most of the time, too.

Thanks to you know who for pointing me in the direction of this movie.

From Almost Famous to Bloodrayne

Some weeks back I started thinking of an idea I'd like to try. It's something I dabbled with a long time ago, back in the heyday of the Black Roses Society (me, Samantha, and Chrissy), but it never turned into much of anything. Pretty much anytime I watch a movie, my brain assigns it a star rating. Given how many of Roger Ebert's reviews I've read (it's in the thousands), you'd think I'd use a four star system like he does, especially since I can look at any one of his ratings and know exactly where he falls on the film. But no. For whatever reason, I'm much more comfortable using the five star system. But the idea I'm talking about is my interest in writing some movie reviews.

Now, they wouldn't be totally in depth reviews such as those written by Ebert or my--uh, Libby's friend Matt, but would instead be reviews the length of an extended paragraph or so. It's an idea I've had for so long that I have to at least try it and see how it fits. Maybe if I do enough of them I can print them out and assemble them into a little self-published book or whatever. I had a thought that I could arrange the reviews from my favorite film of all time down through the worst piece of crap I've ever sat through. I even have a title in mind if I did it that way (hence the title of this post). It's either that or alphabetically. Whichever.

In my star ratings I try to be as sparing as possible with the full monty of *****, saving that for the best of the best -- movies like Almost Famous, Pulp Fiction, Boogie Nights, The Fisher King, among others. That said, there'll be a ton of movies that come in at ****1/2. Great to be sure, but not quite as awesome as those upon the mountain top. The bootleg "Untitled" version of Almost Famous is actually so good that it almost breaks the five star scale. You should really see it if you haven't already.

*****

Speaking of awesome movies, I watched Across the Universe last night and it blew me away. I'm not even sure how to describe it. It's kind of a musical with a storyline made up almost entirely out of Beatles songs, which are sung by the cast, which includes the luminous Evan Rachel Wood amidst a bunch of talented people I'm meeting for the first time. It's a period piece, set in the 60's, but the story told really transcends any particular time period. Some of the songs, which you've heard hundreds of times, are refigured in a context that changed how I'll hear them from now on, like T.V. Carpio's melancholy "I Wanna Hold Your Hand". Already an Evan Rachel Wood fan (ever since her heartbreaking and awe-inspiring performance in Thirteen), I've become even more so after this performance. I didn't know she had such a beautiful singing voice.

Not all the songs chosen are the most obvious ones I would have expected. There's even a couple I didn't recognize, and I'm pretty well versed in The Beatles. One such song, "It Won't Be Long" sung by Miss Wood, is such a good song I can't believe I've never heard it before. How can I be 37 years old and in possession of such an extensive classic rock collection that there are Beatles songs that good that I don't even know about? I have to say Across The Universe has gone a long way in reigniting my latent Beatlemania, and I may be making some additions to the Beatles section of my collection. For this to happen means I've just had some wicked movie experience, man.

I remember when this movie was out in theaters. The premise seemed a bit dicey to me, but it's really wonderful. I should give it some time to settle in my mind first before I give it any rating, but I'm really leaning towards the full monty.

(Note: this isn't an example of the kind of review I want to write. This is me just blathering along)

See it!

*****

This seemed like a good place to stick the following. It's something I saved while deconstrucing the Joyride that I just couldn't bear to part with. It's Libby's original pulverizing of the movie Bloodrayne, one of my favorite NHJ posts of all time

*****

The first rental is down. What can I say about Bloodrayne. Hmmm. Bloody awful? Bloody stupid? Let me think. Oh, ok. Wait. I have it. Shitrayne. There I think I have summed up the movie in one succinct blip. It blows. It's terrible. It's the third Uwe Boll masterpiece based on a videogame, and now I might have to track down the other two just to see for myself where they stack up to this.

Bloodrayne, the red-haired chick played by Kristiana Loken, is part human, part vampire. They call that a Dhampir(?). No, I don't know why. Some of this I'm sure comes from the video game, which I'll remain neutral on, since I haven't played it. Since I've only seen the movie, I'm going to blame it for everything. Anyway, she's a half-vampire more or less. Didn't Blade already use that idea? Well, nevermind. What this means here is that the rules for vampirism, which are always different in every movie and book, sometimes apply to Rayne and sometimes not indiscriminately for no reasons that I can discern. But to be fair I kind of gave up early.

I remember back when I first talked about Underworld back in 2004 I said that it felt like I was watching the 2nd movie in a trilogy, that's how confusing it was. There's plenty of gobbledygook in this flick, too, that makes it just as confusing to get your bearings. Ok, Rayne is a semi-vampire who escapes her life as a performing circus freak. There's a trio of vampire hunters running around--Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez, and some dork who becomes the romantic lead. I actually don't know his name and I'm too bored to find out. Additionally, Ben Kingsley plays Kagan the lord of the vampires, who is so feared and so powerful that...he's never seen doing anything until the end of the movie. He sits on his throne and gives orders, pretty much, dispatching his thralls here and there. What's more, his thralls are called the Thralls. "Summon my thralls!"

Wait. It's more complicated than that even. The vampire hunters are part of this hidden fortress (how do you hide a fortress?) called The Brimstone Society (not quite as cool sounding as The Hellfire Club) who are apparently dedicated to ridding the world of vampires, and nothing else. The Michael Madsen character seems to be their leader, but who knows? I don't.

There's also another element involved here. There's a "special appearance" by Billy Zane, who plays the estranged father of the Michelle Rodriguez character (because they look like they might be blood related.......right? Sure. Whatever), but is now also a vampire, but used to be the leader of the Brimstone Society. Or something. I have no fucking idea. His purpose in the movie seems to be there purely to try and sway Michelle against the Madsen character, but it's convoluted and I won't get into it. However, Zane's first appearance in the film, dictating a letter to be sent to Michelle, is so fucking unintentionally hilarious that I almost want to recommend the movie just so you'll see it.

Almost.

There are other throwaway bits and extraneous characters, and a weird monastary that somehow figures into the plot, but who cares? Actually, let's talk about the monastary for a bit. This is where the "plot" of the movie breaks down right into a video game. Ok, so Rayne is in the catacombs. Look there's an indentation in the wall shaped like a crucifix. Hey, there's a butt-ugly guardian sleeping in a chair and he's wearing a crucifix. Hey! I bet that's a key. And I bet the guardian is going to wake up when you get close. Ok, so she kills him. It was a key, how about that. Oh, and then the thing you're looking for (I'll get back to this) is in a trap filled room. Am I watching a movie or playing Resident Evil here? Whirling blades on the floor? No problem, she just does a simple cartwheel to get by them. Then the room starts to fill up with water. Earlier in the movie water burned her, but now she's absorbed the magic artifact in the room and the water doesn't hurt her and fuck my brain hurts just trying to write all this out.

Right, there are three magic artifacts. An eye, a rib, and a heart. They all come from some ancient vampire, just to make things more convoluted, and when you assemble them together you can make vampires super powerful...or something. Why does that work? I don't know. Nobody explained it to me, or if they did I sure wasn't paying attention. Whatever. Anyway, Rayne absorbs the eye and it like, uh, takes the place of one of her own eyes? What? The rib shows up later, collected *off screen* by Kagan's main henchman. It just shows up. "Oh, here's the rib for ya, boss". What the fuck? Don't even get me started on the heart. Actually, I will get back to that later.

The main henchman I just mentioned looks kind of like Matt Hardy with a Road Warriors haircut, but is played like he has either some kind of roid rage or just severe constipation. While that might stand out in most movies, NOBODY in this film is really trying. Maybe Loken is trying, but if so she's just not a good actress. Oh, I have bloodlust, I have angst, I hate you, I love you, I want to kill you, wait...more angst. Michael Madsen plays his guy like he can't believe he actually signed up for this shit. "Hey, I used to be Mr. fucking Blonde, god dammit. Now I'm in this piece of shit. Fuck it, I don't even care." Michelle seems to have a permanent chip on her shoulder, possibly for the same reasons as Madsen. Kingsley is very arch as the King of the Vampires! I think Bela Lugosi was more subtle back in 1931. Billy Zane seems to have just smoked a big blunt. Everybody else? Absolutely horrible. I have nothing against Meatloaf, but nobody should ever let him act again if this is any indication.* I defy you to find one person in this movie who acts in any way like a real life person or gives a line reading in a remotely natural way.

Then again, the writing is of such dismal quality that who can blame them?

*Also, check out Loaf's scene for the acting by--no, not actresses--but REAL PROSTITUTES, hired to keep costs down. Ha ha ha, thank you, Wikipedia!

Kagan is also Rayne's father, btw. She's the product of his having raped her human mother. Rayne wants revenge on him for raping (and then later killing) her mother. Not to pick nits here, but if he hadn't raped her in the first place, Rayne, you wouldn't even be there. Not to condone rape or anything, but maybe you should just focus on the murder part. Plus, she says her mother was raped and killed in front of her, but only half of that is true, as you can plainly see in the flashback. Kagan bites mom, which I guess you could construe as a sexual assault...kind of. You'd think that would be enough to kill her, but no, he also impales her with some sharp stick.

Remember when Rayne killed that guardian a little bit ago? She's saved from the trap room by the monks running the joint, at which point she says, "I'm not here to hurt anyone." Oh, sorry about killing your guardian, though, which they don't bring up and neither does she. This is the kind of attention to detail found throughout the entire movie. People do absurd things for unclear reasons all the time. Watch the Brimstone Trio, too. In their first scene the one who's name I'm too lazy to research non-chalantly kills a vampire in the middle of a crowd scene, like as an afterthought, and nobody around bats an eyelash. Later, they show up at the travelling freakshow Rayne has escaped from and dismemeber a blood-drained corpse...that everyone has left laying around, and again nobody says a word. They just show up, do it, leave. Although, I do think they question somebody about something while they're there, but...who gives a shit?

Rayne in that earlier scene escapes the freakshow. They've treated her cruelly, yes, so she takes out some bloodlust on them...also killing the only friend she has there. That friend is like some innocent, young adult gypsy girl. There isn't a jot of evidence that shows that she's being mistreated, too, yet she dreams of her and Rayne running away to some fabled land where they can "play all day" or somesuch. Now this isn't some six-year old girl, no. She's got to be in her 20's. I guess some dreams of fairy tales never die. Of course, the movie is set in some indeterminate European location (I don't think they say) in some undetermined quasi-medieval time period. I only know it's supposed to be the real world because someone says "China" in reference to something or other. If not for that, there would be no resemblance to any actual historical time or place. None.

For some reason that gyspy girl has the double swords that Rayne later acquires. She acquires them because Rayne kills the girl on her way out, which may have been an accident, but one for which she feels remorse for like one-sixteenth of a second, and maybe a little more in flashbacks later. Whatever. Just remember that later when she wistfully says she got her swords from a good friend of hers. Sure, she leaves out the part where SHE KILLED HER.

The movie comes to a screeching halt for a sex scene right out of nowhere between Rayne and the dork, who prior to this didn't seem to even like each other. Well, sometimes lust happens, right? It would be a little more believable, however, if the two had even a smidgen of a scene that showed some sexual attraction or if the two actors had any hint whatsoever of some chemistry between them. Since that isn't the case it's just mechanical, like some weird vampire porno scene. Oh, do me baby. Yeah, up against the bars of my jail cell. Oh, that's so hot. Ew.

There are a few big fight scenes. One of them is at that monastary where Rayne absorbed the eye. Kagan sends his thralls there to bust up the joint and the Brimstone team shows up and it's a confusing battle of who is on who's side, badly staged, using people who clearly don't know what the fuck they're doing. I blame Uwe, of course. How many variations of a sword to the face can I work in here? A bunch. Look at how cool I am that when I have a sword hit there's a big spray of blood everywhere. Neat? Well, what makes it different from Kill Bill, say? Let me sum it up in one word: style.

Quentin is a real filmmaker, who made a stylish homage to Asian cinema, and it happened to be bloody.
Uwe is a little boy who likes to spray blood everywhere.

There's no better proof of that than the weird montage at the end of the movie. Ok, Rayne is victorious. D'oy. Is that a spoiler? Did you have any doubt about it? Come on. And she sits down on the throne of the bad guy. The camera comes in for an extreme close-up. Then...words fail me here...there's a long montage of earlier scenes from the movie, and some that weren't there before, which is mostly made up of body parts being hacked off, bloody explosions, spraying blood, and other non-sequential events at random. And then it goes back to the extreme close-up before the credits.

So this montage. I have to ask...why? Why? For what reason? What is it doing there? What does it add? Who are you trying to impress? What is the fucking point? I don't get it. Terrible. Just terrible.

Horrifying fucking movie.

Oh yeah, a rating. Inspired by this movie I had to come up with a brand new rating: ZFS. So now there's HFO (horror fans only), NKS (not Kitten safe), the one I used for Hostel that I'll have to go back and look up (it was something about it being a Geek Show), and now ZFS.

Zero Fucking Stars.

It Won't Be Long (Yeah)

It took some getting to, and I had to put up with a lot of procrastination, but I did sit myself down at the laptop and get some serious work done. The other day, while I did make a good stride, I didn't quite finish the scene, so that was my job today. Finish that scene come Hell or high water. I'd left it in the middle of the Kelly and Alexis conversation, because I wasn't quite sure how to turn it in the direction I needed it to go in. Well, I worked that out, and I slipped in the first mention of future Big-Eighter Quinn. I figured that seeing as she was going to be a big player, I needed to get her into the mix sooner rather than later. Once that conversation was finished I had to chip away at the rest of the scene. It's foundation was solid, but I was too vague here and too breezy there. I had to set the scene better, had to really set the stakes, and I had to show where everyone stood. Having done that, the scene is tons better than it was when I found it.

I started the Laurel scene, but after chewing my way through the hospital scene I was pretty fried. That's where I pick up tomorrow. It's a short enough scene that I should be able to blow through it and then jump right into the Beth scene.

Then comes the real challenge. The Chapter 17 that I have is being bumped back to make room for an all-new chapter. I've had one scene in mind since this idea first occurred to me, and now I have four ... maybe five. Kelly only appears in one of the scenes. The rest of them, which I have to keep top secret for now, happen without Kelly being present and without his knowledge of them happening. It's kind of a "what everybody else is doing when Kelly isn't looking" kind of thing. Kelly's one scene involves the actual introduction of Quinn, and is something I'm looking forward to. My thought was that I need to introduce as many of the important characters here in Season 3 as possible. It would be a big mistake to have Quinn's first appearance be when she shows up on Kelly's doorstep. We need to see who she is first.

As it's all new material I expect to have a great deal of fun and a whole lot of frustration in about equal measures.

I'm sure you'll hear all about it.

Kristen Bell ...

... would make a really good Alyssa in the movie adaptation (after she lets us dye her hair black).

I'm actually less sure about this one than the others (especially Miss Wood), but having enjoyed her work on Veronica Mars, I know she could play the part. I'm just not sure she's exactly what I'm looking for ... yet.

Amy Adams ...

... would make an excellent Leah in the movie adaptation.

How to Eat an Elephant

If I gained nothing else from all my years at LSI, at least I learned how to eat an elephant. I learned this way back when I was on second shift, before my involuntary transfer to first shift, when all of the screening staff was called into a meeting hosted by Margaret, one of the engineers. At the time, things weren't going so hot and there were production issues galore. The number of potential problems mentioned at this meeting were 300, as in there were 300 different things that could fuck up and go wrong during a job. And at this meeting we were trying to figure out how to get around it. Taken as a whole, the 300 issues were an overwhelming variable, so Margaret asked us one question: How do you eat an elephant?

Now, asking this question of a bunch of mostly literal-minded people pretty much just led to confusion and general mockery, and in fact that question was widely mocked for months to come. I knew what she meant, even if I didn't have the exact answer to said question. "With a lot of ketchup?" No.

The answer is: one bite at a time.

See, it does make sense. I've held onto that small zen type thing all this time later, because sometimes the book gets overwhelming with it's large cast of characters and multiple running subplots, and sometimes I don't know how the hell I'm going to pull the damn thing off and/or pull it all together. This is what had mostly been fucking me up on that one scene for the last week, too. I know what it has to do in the overall picture, but the ability to get it there seemed beyond me.

So I started eating the elephant. Usually when I get stuck it's for that reason. Usually how I get around that problem is to stop, take the chapter scene by scene, or the scene paragraph by paragraph, or even the paragraph sentence by sentence. Don't worry about the whole thing right now. Just work on this paragraph. Then the next one. An illustration of this can be found in Friends during the episode where Chandler and Monica get married, and Chandler freaks out, and Ross gets him through it by helping him eat the elephant.

Today I took several big bites of the elephant. I stuck to the plan. I was up early, was out of here well on time, got an ice coffee (extra cream, extra sugar) from Dunkins, had a ciggie or two, listened to the Morning Buzz, and got myself to Borders before they opened. Then when they opened I went in, got a corner table near the window, and set up shop. I brought along a couple of my other projects, too, because I knew I'd need some warm-up time, especially starting that early in the day. I worked on my name database project. I did some work on my continuing Ebert project. I wasted some time wandering through the store. Then I got to work.

There's a lot to this one scene, so I stopped and figured out what I had to hit first, and I worked through that. And so on. Most of it was ok, and just needed some tightening of the screws and a tune-up. Some of it was totally wrong. As an example of how wrongheaded I was in my earlier handling of the scene, I had a long paragraph talking about a conversation Kelly and Alexis have about Gwen *instead* of actually playing out the conversation. So I fixed that. The scene is working pretty well, and during the writing I got myself into that wonderful groove where this scene that I've been dreading was actually fun to work on. Awesome. I did a lot of work today. I left there happy and satisfied.

Tomorrow I eat more of the elephant.

*****

I've been renting some movies lately. For the long weekend I brought home No Country For Old Men, Enchanted, Across the Universe, and Michael Moore Hates America. Of all those the one I was most interested, even excited, to watch was Enchanted. I'm not sure what that says about me (*cough*homo*cough*), but I don't care. Amy Adams is great in everything I see her in and the movie had a fun premise. I watched it this afternoon and it was frikking great. I'm a big softie for a sweet romance, and the waltz scene even made me mist up a little. Cripes, I need to find a girlfriend. I'm wasting all this good sensitivity stuff here by myself.

Once upon a time, I probably wouldn't have touched something like Enchanted unless talked into it by some significant other or another, but nowadays I'm open to all kinds of things like this. For instance, I've watched more shows on the Disney Channel than I care to admit. (For all the Hannah Montana hoopla, her show would be nothing without second banana Emily Osmet) I own both Aly & AJ cd's, both are in fairly heavy rotation, and their song "Chemicals React" is one of my favorite songs of the last several years. Possibly only Evanescence, Kittie, Paramore, Flyleaf, and the Dixie Chicks are at that same level as far as modern recording acts go. Yes, and they all have female singers. I don't know why that is, but it is.

Well, maybe I know some of the why ... if you'll indulge me yet again. I think, perhaps, a little part of a certain little someone has stayed with me and is influencing me in this regard.

Anyway, that's what I think.

*****
Today when I returned Enchanted I stopped and picked up this movie called Running With Scissors. I've been told by someone smart and pretty that I should really see it.

And so I shall.

Emma Roberts ...

... would make a pretty decent Laurel in the movie adaptation.

So Happy It's Thursday

So here I am beginning a three day weekend. I've never had Good Friday off before, so I'm really going to enjoy this. It almost makes me wish I was the religious sort. Well, I am ... but what I believe in doesn't really jibe with what They believe in, so what can you do? I'm off tomorrow nevertheless. And because I hate to squander my valuable free time, I have a plan.

The plan is to spend most of tomorrow writing. Since I've been struggling with this same scene for the last week, I've decided to go ahead and kick it old school. What that means is that I'm getting up early, packing up my gear, heading over to West Lebanon, and setting up shop at Borders. I'll need to get there early, because I know if I waste any time getting there the tables near the windows, which are the tables next to the electrical outlets, will be gone. I intend to be there for the opening bell. That means I have to make sure I get my lazy ass out of bed tomorrow morning. Because I have to be elsewhere six days a week normally by 5 AM, I tend to stay up really late on the one night I can stay up really late, and then I sleep in. Well, I still intend to stay up really late tonight, but I can't let myself sleep in. I *have* to get up. This is the plan.

I intend to do some serious damage on that chapter tomorrow.

*****

This afternoon while watching the Darjeeling Limited, which is a delightful and quirky little movie, I was indirectly inspired to come up with a line of narration, which I quickly jotted down in the small notebook designed to hold these things until they are needed. Oh, and I think it's a really good line, too. At the time I jotted it down, I believed it to be one of the finest sentences I've ever crafted.

It has to do with Laurel, and more specifically, how Kelly really feels towards Laurel. Something in the movie made me think of something related to Colleen, and a fairly recent anecdote, which I wasn't present for, and then I thought about how something like that might fit into a scene somewhere, and then the line presented itself. I won't reproduce it here, because a) like the tomato joke in Pulp Fiction, I think I've built it up too much now, and b) it might invite some debate, not over the quality of said line -- anyone's mileage may vary on that anyway -- but because it can be read as me putting myself down. I don't think the line *really* reads that way, but I can see how a person might see it that way. The line, instead, is really meant to express how Kelly sees Laurel, and I think it's a pretty good compliment.

And taken out of it's fictionalized context, it's more or less what I think anyway.

*****

For a short week it's been a really long week, and I'm glad it's over with. Work has been about the same. There are guns that go really good, and guns that go really sucky, and most days waffle between the two. But it's been a long, trying week because Cooter is really getting on my nerves. Last week he turned himself around and was pretty on the ball. To be honest, though, his switcharound was contained mostly to the easier of the guns. When we got back to the harder ones, he started his shift back towards shiftless and lazy. I'm used to that. But he's also been a mouthy little punk lately, too, and he's pissing me off.

He's the type -- we've all met them -- who can dish it out with no regard for anyone's feelings, but can't take it. He feels free to say horrible things to me at will, such as, "No wonder you don't have a girlfriend. Because you're such a dickhead. None of them want to be around you." What provoked that rant? He was goofing off and I asked him why didn't he get his ass in gear and do something to help me get the fucking guns through? Now when he stabs at me like that I don't just take it quietly, but I don't fly off the handle either and get all pissy, like he does. I slowly take the gloves off and pick him into little itty bitty pieces with the kind of surgical precision that a textbook Virgo such as myself specializes in. Thanks to my astrological sign, I was born with the mutant power of zeroing in on a person's most fragile areas, and in Cooter's case they pretty much stick out with flasing neon arrows pointing right at them. And because I'm me, I don't always know when to stop, especially when I'm mad, and it doesn't take a whole lot of effort for me to whip Cooter right into a frenzy. He's left there *pissed* at me more than a few times, but in my defense he did bring it all on. I don't just shoot on him unprovoked. It's bad form.

Even so, I'm the only one in the cell he can get along with for more than a few minutes at a time. He and Jim don't get along at all. Jim is the one I mentioned before who can be a real asshole with the joking around, and he gets right under Cooter's skin, really for only pointing out that Cooter isn't doing something the way he's supposed to be doing it. I point out stuff like that, too, but it's like talking to a wall. He doesn't listen (or care). Christy, especially, can't stand him, and thinks he's a worthless lump. I can get along with both Christy and Jim pretty well, and that gets under Cooter's skin, too. I might have a three sentence conversation with either of them and then I'm a "kiss ass". When Jen called me a "pushover" back at LSI it did piss me off, but she was right. Cooter isn't right. I know how to get along with people and can exist in the world without fighting with most of it, but I'm not now, nor have I ever been a kiss ass. I'll just stand on my past work history and let it speak for itself.

He wants to transfer. He and I are both unable to transfer out of Mini-14 for a year. That's June 28 in my case; May 16 in his. I don't plan on going anywhere. I like it there. He wants out. And he's mouthy about it, too. This is about all I've heard about for the last couple days. Because he's been a little mouthy fuckwad to me aside from that, I've just taken shot after shot at him with abandon. He was talking about transferring in May, so I asked Barney right in front of him if we could move it up to April instead. I was checking some headspace for Justin from the machine shop this morning, and invited him to the going away party we were going to throw for Cooter ... the day after he was gone, again right in front of Cooter.

Him: "I'm just tired of it. I'd rather work maintenance anyway. I'm not much for assembly."
Me: "I've noticed."

But I'm not the only one willing to take some shots. Yesterday, right before break, Cooter and I were having a heated exchange over something or other. Brad, the Grumpy Old Bastard (and my personal hero) said we should just kiss and make up.
Me: "How about I just pound him into the ground with a hammer instead and call it even."
Brad: "Then you'll get arrested for pollution."

He's really quick. That's one of the reasons Brad is my role model.

Anyway, even though it'll leave us another person short, I hope he does transfer. I'm tired of being his babysitter, and I'm tired of having to carry him on my back, too.

Evan Rachel Wood ...

... would make a perfect Emma in the movie adaptation.