I don't know if I like it yet. I'll be honest. Yes, to a degree the amount that I will like a job right away is somewhat proportional to how well I understand what I'm supposed to be doing. For example -- FMC = awesome; LSI = sucked. So far Rugers is somewhere in between those two things. Maybe I should just describe my day and let it speak for itself.
I wake up in the middle of the night, drag myself out of bed, take a shower, get dressed. Then I drive 25 miles to Newport. I park approximately 8 miles from the door I need to enter, which has a metal detector -- everyone has to go through it going in, going out. I should mention that when I drove in I didn't even know where that door actually was, and I found it while walking. Then I was led down to the office, and subsequently led down to the assembly cell I'll be working in. I was quickly shown a complex and almost incomprehensible procedure by a disinterested female, but luckily that wasn't what I started out doing. Instead, this other kid named Allen showed me something else, and I speant most of the day working on that. That involved attaching pieces to various gun barrels, drilling the screws in to hold it there, and then checking something the straightness of the barrel with some doohickey. I jumped in with all the gusto I had, and I may have done so-so, but I'm not really the best judge of that right now. There were a few problems and mistakes here and there, and I had to remind myself that it was only my first day. Of course, I have no idea how quick I'm supposed to pick this up either. And I had the feeling that I was slow and holding people up, which I hate. My hands were covered with grease most of the time, which is something that Jen says is a turn-on, and if I ever get to see her again with our conflicting schedules maybe that'll pan out into something.
However, the people in the cell seem pretty nice. They're kind of a rowdy bunch overall. There is one girl who seems kind of stand-offish. If I'm going to be the Big Dog there I'll really need to be on my game, because some of those people really know their shit. And right now I'm trying to figure out how I'm ever going to remember which pieces go with which guns, because it's somewhat baffling to me at the moment.
The people I'm working for do seem nice, and there appears to be zero chance that my lead person will eventually snap and go psychotic on me, or care a whole lot about my personal life, which is about how I like it. And this seems like a real company, so I don't think they're going to take a lot of shit. That's cool, since I'm generally an exemplary employee .... for the first while, anyway.
The jury is out. The hours are long, and I believe I'm working Saturday, too, for their mandatory inventory, which starts tomorrow. I do think I'll start enjoying it there more when I start picking this shit up. We'll see.
In the meantime, I should probably get to bed since I have to get up in the middle of the night.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
The Real Ramona
The new job starts tomorrow. I'm nervous and excited -- not as bad as Jen was, but enough that I just want to get in there and get started so that this anticipation will be all over with. The anticipation is always the worst, which is why oral reports in high school always gave me acid stomach ... before I got up there and did really well on them. It's the same kind of thing. Jen had a great first night, and I'm sure I'll be fine, too.
I've also been doing a lot of writing. The Book had been laying fallow for some time before about March, for various reasons. I felt as though I'd lost my spark maybe, or that my drive to pursue my destiny was lacking. Maybe Calliope and I were taking a sabbatical from each other. Something was up. I just wasn't doing the work or even feeling the pull. Then, right around March, I got myself back into it. It may just be a coincidence that I met Jen around that same time, but who knows? The fires were lit once again.
Since I'd let it sit and collect dust for so long, it was impossible to just pick it up at the spot where I'd left it. I needed to reconnect with the characters and the story and the whole ball of wax. Plus, I'd learned a lot about the craft through writing my other blog, and through independant study. And, perhaps most importantly, there were a lot of things I needed to fix. So I started at the beginning again.
Chapter One. This serves mostly as a prologue to set up many of the themes and storylines I'm going to explore in later chapters. Its basic structure is fine, and it does all of what I need it to do, but I wanted to strip it down to it's bare bones, make it harsher and more nihilistic, and less of a pity party for the protagonist. I think I succeeded there.
Chapter Two. Emma's story. This chapter may be the one thing I'm most proud of. While there are still a few awkward bits, and there are a few things I want to research for the sake of authenticity, the music is there. There are parts of this chapter that are the best of my skills on display, and there are other parts where I'm just riding the lightning bolt and channeling the words directly from above. I am so happy with this chapter.
Chapter Three. Here's where it gets harder. Really, all I need this chapter to do is introduce Kelly to Alyssa at a party. The scenes between them have a pretty good music to them, and the conversation they have is something I'm happy with. It's the first part that sucks. The chapter takes way too long to get going, and dicks around when I just need to get Kelly up and out of the house. So I tackled that problem yesterday and today. I pulled those first three pages apart brick by brick by brick, and reassembled the pieces into a much leaner, tighter thing. And it's less whiny, too. I have to go back and look at it again tomorrow, and possibly tweak it a bit, but it is better than it was before I took a shovel to it.
It's going to be a book I'm proud of having written, no matter how much blood, sweat, tears, and agony I have to expend to get it there.
And welcome home, Calliope. I missed you.
I've also been doing a lot of writing. The Book had been laying fallow for some time before about March, for various reasons. I felt as though I'd lost my spark maybe, or that my drive to pursue my destiny was lacking. Maybe Calliope and I were taking a sabbatical from each other. Something was up. I just wasn't doing the work or even feeling the pull. Then, right around March, I got myself back into it. It may just be a coincidence that I met Jen around that same time, but who knows? The fires were lit once again.
Since I'd let it sit and collect dust for so long, it was impossible to just pick it up at the spot where I'd left it. I needed to reconnect with the characters and the story and the whole ball of wax. Plus, I'd learned a lot about the craft through writing my other blog, and through independant study. And, perhaps most importantly, there were a lot of things I needed to fix. So I started at the beginning again.
Chapter One. This serves mostly as a prologue to set up many of the themes and storylines I'm going to explore in later chapters. Its basic structure is fine, and it does all of what I need it to do, but I wanted to strip it down to it's bare bones, make it harsher and more nihilistic, and less of a pity party for the protagonist. I think I succeeded there.
Chapter Two. Emma's story. This chapter may be the one thing I'm most proud of. While there are still a few awkward bits, and there are a few things I want to research for the sake of authenticity, the music is there. There are parts of this chapter that are the best of my skills on display, and there are other parts where I'm just riding the lightning bolt and channeling the words directly from above. I am so happy with this chapter.
Chapter Three. Here's where it gets harder. Really, all I need this chapter to do is introduce Kelly to Alyssa at a party. The scenes between them have a pretty good music to them, and the conversation they have is something I'm happy with. It's the first part that sucks. The chapter takes way too long to get going, and dicks around when I just need to get Kelly up and out of the house. So I tackled that problem yesterday and today. I pulled those first three pages apart brick by brick by brick, and reassembled the pieces into a much leaner, tighter thing. And it's less whiny, too. I have to go back and look at it again tomorrow, and possibly tweak it a bit, but it is better than it was before I took a shovel to it.
It's going to be a book I'm proud of having written, no matter how much blood, sweat, tears, and agony I have to expend to get it there.
And welcome home, Calliope. I missed you.
Diary of a Virgo, volume 2
Welcome to Part Two of your outlook for the second half of 2007, Virgo. We're checking up on how you're progressing with the long-term tasks you were assigned six months ago. I hope that by now you're at least midway through a transformation of your relationship to family. That might mean you're leading a revolution to reinvent your family of origin. It might mean you're making decisions about how to shape the family of your future. It could involve you working hard to ensure that you have a close-knit group of people, not necessarily related to you biologically, to serve as a reliable source of emotional sustenance. Or all of the above.
Ok. Working on it.
Ok. Working on it.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Crippled
If you've been watching CNN, you might know, as I know, that over this past weekend a professional wrestler (allegedly) went crazy, killed his wife and son, and then hung himself. This wrestler, Chris Benoit, was a big favorite among many knowledgeable wrestling fans, and in fact I was a fan of his. I've followed his career since the early 90's, I've seen him wrestle live more than once, and the dvd retrospective of his career is one of the few wrestling dvds that survived the big purge I made last year. I've spent the last 24 hours hoping that the story wouldn't turn out the way all the evidence seems to be pointing, but the more details that keep coming in ... the worse it gets. I don't understand it.
Even in the context of professional wrestlers, Benoit always seemed like a straight-up normal guy. Everyone liked and respected him. I guess sometimes you just don't know someone. I know we're all human and we all have darkness inside of us, but to do something like that, to me, is just inconceivable. I can understand rage, but I can't understand anything that comes down to harming your own children under any circumstances.
I've dealt with my own darkness. I do have a temper, and I can get into some pretty intense fights, but there's always a limit and a line I won't cross. My ex-wife is the only person I've met with the ability to bring me to such a rage that I was willing to cross that line, and she and I had some fights that went way down into the trenches. She was able to bring out the beast within. Jude, although similar in some ways, couldn't do it. Neither could anyone else. Even as angry as I was at work the last few weeks, it was a focused and controlled anger. Only my ex-wife, ever, has brought that out of me. Even so, there's a limit.
Shannon and I had a private joke, if you can call it a joke, but she and I shared a certain dark sense of humor on the subject of my ex-wife. We would speculate on what might have happened if my ex-wife and I had a kid together and then things broke down as they did. It wasn't hard to see into the future of that scenario, how X would have made every moment of the rest of my life an excruciating hell, how she would use that kid (in my mind, once again, it's a girl) against me in every possible way, and most importantly ... what she would put that child through. I've seen her with Jason and Amanda, and there were numerous times I had to step in and intervene before something bad happened. I would be afraid for that little baby like you wouldn't believe. So I thought about the question for all of ten seconds, and gave Shannon my answer.
"I'd have to kill her and take the kid and raise it myself."
It's only kind of a joke.
Somewhere in there, this one time Shannon, Kelsie (her first born), and I were out driving around, she floated out the idea that we (the three of us) should just up and move to Texas. I don't exactly remember why it was specifically Texas, unless that's where Brandy (her big sis) had moved to. But the idea was the three of us, not including Kenny, and in all honesty I gave that idea a lot of thought. Remember, I was in love with that girl *hard* by that time, and if I really thought she meant that we should go there and be together as a little family ... if I REALLY believed that's what she wanted ... I might have done it. I was that vulnerable at the time, and I might have jumped at that chance. But I couldn't believe that's what she really wanted, and it seemed too halfhearted, so I couldn't committ to the idea.
In the alternate reality where I had to kill X and take the baby, sure, I imagine I would have disappeared to Texas with Shannon and our children. Of course, it would have been three children soon enough, as she was preggers that summer I knew her. The fact that her 2nd kid came out looking nothing like her, nothing like Kenny, and a lot like me is just one of those weird mysteries of life, because a) she was already preggers before I met her, and b) I never touched the girl.
I think I might have my second book out of this material somehow. Somebody remind me I said that later on when I forget.
Sometimes you don't really know what's inside of a person. This news story really drives that home for me. It's just very disturbing and troubling for me to think about.
Even in the context of professional wrestlers, Benoit always seemed like a straight-up normal guy. Everyone liked and respected him. I guess sometimes you just don't know someone. I know we're all human and we all have darkness inside of us, but to do something like that, to me, is just inconceivable. I can understand rage, but I can't understand anything that comes down to harming your own children under any circumstances.
I've dealt with my own darkness. I do have a temper, and I can get into some pretty intense fights, but there's always a limit and a line I won't cross. My ex-wife is the only person I've met with the ability to bring me to such a rage that I was willing to cross that line, and she and I had some fights that went way down into the trenches. She was able to bring out the beast within. Jude, although similar in some ways, couldn't do it. Neither could anyone else. Even as angry as I was at work the last few weeks, it was a focused and controlled anger. Only my ex-wife, ever, has brought that out of me. Even so, there's a limit.
Shannon and I had a private joke, if you can call it a joke, but she and I shared a certain dark sense of humor on the subject of my ex-wife. We would speculate on what might have happened if my ex-wife and I had a kid together and then things broke down as they did. It wasn't hard to see into the future of that scenario, how X would have made every moment of the rest of my life an excruciating hell, how she would use that kid (in my mind, once again, it's a girl) against me in every possible way, and most importantly ... what she would put that child through. I've seen her with Jason and Amanda, and there were numerous times I had to step in and intervene before something bad happened. I would be afraid for that little baby like you wouldn't believe. So I thought about the question for all of ten seconds, and gave Shannon my answer.
"I'd have to kill her and take the kid and raise it myself."
It's only kind of a joke.
Somewhere in there, this one time Shannon, Kelsie (her first born), and I were out driving around, she floated out the idea that we (the three of us) should just up and move to Texas. I don't exactly remember why it was specifically Texas, unless that's where Brandy (her big sis) had moved to. But the idea was the three of us, not including Kenny, and in all honesty I gave that idea a lot of thought. Remember, I was in love with that girl *hard* by that time, and if I really thought she meant that we should go there and be together as a little family ... if I REALLY believed that's what she wanted ... I might have done it. I was that vulnerable at the time, and I might have jumped at that chance. But I couldn't believe that's what she really wanted, and it seemed too halfhearted, so I couldn't committ to the idea.
In the alternate reality where I had to kill X and take the baby, sure, I imagine I would have disappeared to Texas with Shannon and our children. Of course, it would have been three children soon enough, as she was preggers that summer I knew her. The fact that her 2nd kid came out looking nothing like her, nothing like Kenny, and a lot like me is just one of those weird mysteries of life, because a) she was already preggers before I met her, and b) I never touched the girl.
I think I might have my second book out of this material somehow. Somebody remind me I said that later on when I forget.
Sometimes you don't really know what's inside of a person. This news story really drives that home for me. It's just very disturbing and troubling for me to think about.
Hitman
So I start work the day after tomorrow. I have the general idea of what I'm supposed to be doing, but I'm suffering a bit from first day jitters, in that after being a big fish in my little pond for a few years, it'll be hard going back to square one. I wish it was September already, which would mean I'm a couple months in, comfortable, and probably pretty good at what I'm doing. I want to get past the new guy thing as quick as I can. I really just want to get down to work.
I took a lot of pride in what I did while I was at LSI. When I started there I was completely green, and had no idea what I was doing or what was going on whatsoever. It was very confusing and disorganized. At first I didn't like it. The transition out of Massachusetts was difficult enough, but being baffled by my new job only made it worse. I felt like an idiot every night for weeks, and hated feeling that way. Then I decided that I was going to learn that screening job one way or the other, and not only that, I was going to be the best goddam screener in the building.
I'm competitive that way. Even at my first job, which was at a supermarket, I could get into the spirit of being the best. I was probably a cashier for two months the first time I saw the big chart on the wall upstairs. This chart measured all the cashiers different statistics, but we were ranked first to last based on only one: Items Per Minute. On that first chart I was somewhere around #14 out of about 30 of us. I was determined to climb that list.
Within a couple weeks I was 4th, behind Jeff, Carrie, and Nicole in that order. My numbers were only a hair lower than Carrie and Nicole, but Jeff had a good lead on me. A week or two after that I'd overtaken the two girls, and had Jeff in my sights. I wanted that #1 spot really bad. Before I decided that I was taking that spot, nobody really noticed the list all that much or paid much attention. I was the one who made it into something, and because of that Jeff upped his game so he could defend his championship. I probably had to work another month at it to overtake him, but once I did ... it was mine. I held that crown for like 18 months until Jessica took me down, and once she took the spot I couldn't regain it. She had that same drive in her, and she was younger and hungrier.
But I didn't fall further than #2. Even with Jessica on top of the list she and I were still in the 31 and 32 IPM range. That's 31 Items Per Minute averaged across an entire shift, which isn't easy to pull off. We were slamming those groceries out.
At the hospital I had this same competitive urge. At first, in Housekeeping, I just wanted to prove myself to the rest of the boys, so I worked as outrageously hard as I could. I wanted to be the best. The same kind of applied to Food Service, too, at least at first. On the morning shift I was determined to be the best Diet Aide on the floor, although I had some serious competition on that score. I do think, however, that I became someone upon whom the team leaders could depend upon no matter what.
Then I took the position that would ultimately define my hospital tenure: evening team leader. I could have tried to become the best team leader possible, but my views on how that position needed to be handled didn't exactly match up with the views of the administration. Plus, I tend to be rebellious and anti-authority at times. If I'm just a working stiff I'll do whatever I'm told, as long as I'm getting paid for it. You know, very mercenary. But that job was different. The people on that shift needed me to look out for them, and that's what I did, even if that meant butting heads with Sam all the time, which is what happened. I have no regrets there.
Then at LSI, trying to cope with this incomprehensible job, I turned back into a Gunslinger. I decided I was going to become the best screener there. And with a little work, that's exactly what I did. During my last five years there, I was the best screener in the building. Starr is pretty good, but she isn't as driven as I am. Nobody else even came close. I might have been the best screener to ever work down there. And now that I'm gone, there may never be another one like me. Check out that humility.
But now I'm starting over, and I'm a little anxious. The competitive fires, however, are already lighting up. I can't coast on my laurels any longer. I have to be a Gunslinger again.
Bring it on.
I took a lot of pride in what I did while I was at LSI. When I started there I was completely green, and had no idea what I was doing or what was going on whatsoever. It was very confusing and disorganized. At first I didn't like it. The transition out of Massachusetts was difficult enough, but being baffled by my new job only made it worse. I felt like an idiot every night for weeks, and hated feeling that way. Then I decided that I was going to learn that screening job one way or the other, and not only that, I was going to be the best goddam screener in the building.
I'm competitive that way. Even at my first job, which was at a supermarket, I could get into the spirit of being the best. I was probably a cashier for two months the first time I saw the big chart on the wall upstairs. This chart measured all the cashiers different statistics, but we were ranked first to last based on only one: Items Per Minute. On that first chart I was somewhere around #14 out of about 30 of us. I was determined to climb that list.
Within a couple weeks I was 4th, behind Jeff, Carrie, and Nicole in that order. My numbers were only a hair lower than Carrie and Nicole, but Jeff had a good lead on me. A week or two after that I'd overtaken the two girls, and had Jeff in my sights. I wanted that #1 spot really bad. Before I decided that I was taking that spot, nobody really noticed the list all that much or paid much attention. I was the one who made it into something, and because of that Jeff upped his game so he could defend his championship. I probably had to work another month at it to overtake him, but once I did ... it was mine. I held that crown for like 18 months until Jessica took me down, and once she took the spot I couldn't regain it. She had that same drive in her, and she was younger and hungrier.
But I didn't fall further than #2. Even with Jessica on top of the list she and I were still in the 31 and 32 IPM range. That's 31 Items Per Minute averaged across an entire shift, which isn't easy to pull off. We were slamming those groceries out.
At the hospital I had this same competitive urge. At first, in Housekeeping, I just wanted to prove myself to the rest of the boys, so I worked as outrageously hard as I could. I wanted to be the best. The same kind of applied to Food Service, too, at least at first. On the morning shift I was determined to be the best Diet Aide on the floor, although I had some serious competition on that score. I do think, however, that I became someone upon whom the team leaders could depend upon no matter what.
Then I took the position that would ultimately define my hospital tenure: evening team leader. I could have tried to become the best team leader possible, but my views on how that position needed to be handled didn't exactly match up with the views of the administration. Plus, I tend to be rebellious and anti-authority at times. If I'm just a working stiff I'll do whatever I'm told, as long as I'm getting paid for it. You know, very mercenary. But that job was different. The people on that shift needed me to look out for them, and that's what I did, even if that meant butting heads with Sam all the time, which is what happened. I have no regrets there.
Then at LSI, trying to cope with this incomprehensible job, I turned back into a Gunslinger. I decided I was going to become the best screener there. And with a little work, that's exactly what I did. During my last five years there, I was the best screener in the building. Starr is pretty good, but she isn't as driven as I am. Nobody else even came close. I might have been the best screener to ever work down there. And now that I'm gone, there may never be another one like me. Check out that humility.
But now I'm starting over, and I'm a little anxious. The competitive fires, however, are already lighting up. I can't coast on my laurels any longer. I have to be a Gunslinger again.
Bring it on.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Sparky Saves the Day
First, we'll start with my news. I finally got ahold of Betty in HR, and I have an appointment to go do paperwork and such on Wednesday at 1:30, and then I start work on Thursday. It's a little later than originally planned, but I feel a whole lot better having these dates set than I did when everything was still in limbo. I still have a couple of days left on my mini-vacation, which I intend to enjoy to the fullest. I'm sure I'll be a tad nervous on Wednesday night.
Jen started today on 2nd shift. Yesterday she was nervous and freaking out, called me twice, and I had to talk her down both times. I was sticking with the Funari Principle, which meant I was hanging back and waiting for her to come to me. And once again it worked. It's amazing. Whenever I get to thinking things might be winding down towards the end, she surprises me. The first call yesterday was nice, but the second call was a surprise. She was all wound up again, and I had to do some of my best boyfriend work to get her back unwound. I'll tell you what, I am pretty goddam good at my job. When I'm motivated, I am a **** boyfriend (out of *****) ... at least.
This morning I abandoned the Principle to call her, since I promised I'd let her know what I found out from Betty. This was around 11:00 or so. I was also curious to see what shape she'd be in, as she and Nicole spent most of Saturday getting bombed, and she was drinking a little more while I talked to her yesterday. She was in better shape than I would have figured, though. But again, she was a little nervous, and I had to get to work and let her know that I thought she was great, she'd be fine, and so forth. She was also a little worried, because the Boozemaggedon ended up being more expensive than she'd planned, and her gas tank was empty, and she wasn't quite sure yet how she was going to pull off getting herself to Newport.
I had an idea, of course, but I hung onto it. She can be prideful and stubborn, and I knew she'd say no. She had some options yet to explore anyway.
On a hunch, I stuck around the house. The phone rang at 1:30. Hello, Jennifer. Sometimes I'm so smart I just scare myself. She was past nervous now, and all the way up to terrified, and just about to freak out. This job, and the opportunity it represents to her, has assumed such an importance in her mind that anxiety was killing her. So I talked her down again. And I waited her out on the other subject. I wasn't going to push, but if and when it came up she was going to know that I was willing to help.
And it did come up, and she hadn't had any luck with the other options, so she wasn't sure what to do. But she just could not ask me for help here. It's complicated, but being somewhat the same way my own self, I get it. She was kind of looking at it like she was screwed, and if I were any of the other guys she knows, she really might have been. But I'm Sparky, and I'm not like other guys.
"I can think of two options," I said. There is a solution to every problem. And I always have a Plan B.
a) I could give her a ride down there myself.
b) I could loan her some money for gas.
I didn't really have a preference, but I was willing to go with either option.
This, of course, led to a debate, but with the clock ticking now she couldn't fight me off for too long, and I was stubborn and held my ground. The help was there if you need it. "You know," she said, "things like this aren't really in your job description."
"I write my own job description."
She relented, finally, and accepted some help. I don't know why I meet so many tough chicks, but it's rare the one that can out-stubborn me, especially when I'm trying to do the Knight thing. I'm just relentlessly helpful and won't take no for an answer.
This is how it shook down. I drove up to Sharon (that's a town), and lent her $5 so she could make it down to White River, where she'd meet Sherrie, who was going to lend her more. Sherrie came through right at the last minute while I was on the other line. So my contribution wasn't enormous, but she wouldn't have made it without my help.
I talked to her a few minutes before she left. She isn't what you would call a very sentimental girl in the conventional sense (and there are reasons for that), but she was very grateful for the help. Jen doesn't always show how she's feeling in the way I'm used to from past girlfriends, but I've learned how to tell. And I know.
I hope she's having a good night. She deserves to have a good job where she's happy. Ultimately, what I want out of this is for her to be happy. She's done a lot for me. I want to return the favor.
Jen started today on 2nd shift. Yesterday she was nervous and freaking out, called me twice, and I had to talk her down both times. I was sticking with the Funari Principle, which meant I was hanging back and waiting for her to come to me. And once again it worked. It's amazing. Whenever I get to thinking things might be winding down towards the end, she surprises me. The first call yesterday was nice, but the second call was a surprise. She was all wound up again, and I had to do some of my best boyfriend work to get her back unwound. I'll tell you what, I am pretty goddam good at my job. When I'm motivated, I am a **** boyfriend (out of *****) ... at least.
This morning I abandoned the Principle to call her, since I promised I'd let her know what I found out from Betty. This was around 11:00 or so. I was also curious to see what shape she'd be in, as she and Nicole spent most of Saturday getting bombed, and she was drinking a little more while I talked to her yesterday. She was in better shape than I would have figured, though. But again, she was a little nervous, and I had to get to work and let her know that I thought she was great, she'd be fine, and so forth. She was also a little worried, because the Boozemaggedon ended up being more expensive than she'd planned, and her gas tank was empty, and she wasn't quite sure yet how she was going to pull off getting herself to Newport.
I had an idea, of course, but I hung onto it. She can be prideful and stubborn, and I knew she'd say no. She had some options yet to explore anyway.
On a hunch, I stuck around the house. The phone rang at 1:30. Hello, Jennifer. Sometimes I'm so smart I just scare myself. She was past nervous now, and all the way up to terrified, and just about to freak out. This job, and the opportunity it represents to her, has assumed such an importance in her mind that anxiety was killing her. So I talked her down again. And I waited her out on the other subject. I wasn't going to push, but if and when it came up she was going to know that I was willing to help.
And it did come up, and she hadn't had any luck with the other options, so she wasn't sure what to do. But she just could not ask me for help here. It's complicated, but being somewhat the same way my own self, I get it. She was kind of looking at it like she was screwed, and if I were any of the other guys she knows, she really might have been. But I'm Sparky, and I'm not like other guys.
"I can think of two options," I said. There is a solution to every problem. And I always have a Plan B.
a) I could give her a ride down there myself.
b) I could loan her some money for gas.
I didn't really have a preference, but I was willing to go with either option.
This, of course, led to a debate, but with the clock ticking now she couldn't fight me off for too long, and I was stubborn and held my ground. The help was there if you need it. "You know," she said, "things like this aren't really in your job description."
"I write my own job description."
She relented, finally, and accepted some help. I don't know why I meet so many tough chicks, but it's rare the one that can out-stubborn me, especially when I'm trying to do the Knight thing. I'm just relentlessly helpful and won't take no for an answer.
This is how it shook down. I drove up to Sharon (that's a town), and lent her $5 so she could make it down to White River, where she'd meet Sherrie, who was going to lend her more. Sherrie came through right at the last minute while I was on the other line. So my contribution wasn't enormous, but she wouldn't have made it without my help.
I talked to her a few minutes before she left. She isn't what you would call a very sentimental girl in the conventional sense (and there are reasons for that), but she was very grateful for the help. Jen doesn't always show how she's feeling in the way I'm used to from past girlfriends, but I've learned how to tell. And I know.
I hope she's having a good night. She deserves to have a good job where she's happy. Ultimately, what I want out of this is for her to be happy. She's done a lot for me. I want to return the favor.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Into the Black, part 3
So Friday morning I woke up next to Jennifer. No, nothing happened. Anyway, she drove me to work for 7:00. This would be her first (of 3) appearances on the company property since her firing on Wednesday. I figured she'd be fine, but the way certain people in the company had transformed into dicks over the past couple weeks, there was no way to know for sure. She brought Sarah along, too, possibly for protection, just in case a particular person or two decided to get ugly.
On the way up the hill we drove by Bob, who was pulling out of the Co-Op parking lot, and yes he did see us. The question of whether or not Jen was still going to be allowed on the property would be answered pretty quick. Her intention was just to drop me off, mind you. She wasn't going to get out or cause any trouble. Of course, we were at the point now where her just showing up with me was sure to be trouble enough, if you know what I mean. We parked in the front; Bob drove around to the back. Apparently, he didn't have a problem with her being there. Fair enough.
Parking around front meant we'd see Starr. She drove in a few minutes after us, and came by to visit, and to see Sarah (Starr is a big dog person). Now, Jennifer and I differ on the subject of Starr. I think I can trust her; Jen doesn't believe she's so trustworthy. Ok, to be fair, I did say that I think *I* can trust Starr. I don't think she'll sell me out or throw me under the bus. Whether or not she'd sell Jen out or throw Jen under a bus is another story, because .... she might have. Skip and June also kind of share this opinion of Starr. But the fact is, she's never screwed me over, and she has had ample opportunity.
Jen, being a player herself, made nice with Starr. Since Starr and I ironed out that whole weird static she and I went through a while back, I do think she's started to like Jen a little more than maybe she did then. So they had a conversation where they discussed the details of Jen's firing, the details of which I'd filled Starr in on the day before. And oh, she loved Sarah, too. That is one personable dog, I tell you. I'm not really that big a dog person my own self, but Sarah and I are best buddies.
I was leaving at noon. This developed out of a conversation Jen and I had on the way to her brother's graduation the afternoon before.
Me: "You still want me to come to Newport with you?"
Jen: "Sure. If you want."
Me: "Would you have enough time if we left at noon?"
Jen: "Yeah, no problem."
Me: "Because this is what I was thinking...."
Jen: "I'll pick you up at noon!"
And then, in our devious way, we ironed out the details.
Ok, so that meant I had to tell someone I was ditching out early. So I stopped at Bob's desk and let him know I was leaving, if not why. Then he said, "You'll tell Sue, won't you?" Fuck.
I didn't want to tell her shit. Since the firing she and I had been on the outs, but if I have to I have to. But, I was going to do it on my own timetable, so between 7 and 9 I didn't breathe a word of it. I'd told Starr already, of course, and once again she didn't sell me out, so I can trust her. It's good enough for me.
On the way to 9:00 break, however, I showed up at Sue's desk with my timesheet, already filled out for three hours of personal time for that afternoon. She was not happy.
"Bob already knows about this, but since I know how communication is around here I figured I'd tell you I was leaving."
And she said, "Going to a physical appointment with Jen?"
That question could not have been more snotty, and it was the crack I told Bob only the afternoon before that I would bite on, and somehow I resisted the urge to grab Sue's throat with my teeth and rip it out.
"Something like that," I said. I made sure my expression was as smug as humanly possible when I said it, and walked off.
She was *pissed*. Imagine having four years of payback coming and collecting it all in a three week span. That's what Jen and I put Sue through on our way out. During break I told Skip about how I'd just ruined Sue's day. It was beautiful. He laughed and laughed. And then I told him the best part -- what was coming up at noon. I told him to be sure to keep an eye right out the window there.
I was on foil that day. And I was just slamming it out. The other days that week I'd pumped out 12 jobs all day. That Friday I put out 16 jobs just between 7 and noon. I was a machine, and really I wasn't even breathing hard doing that. I was just showing off what I could do and what Sue would be missing after I was gone. For most of the day I was working alone, too. Stacy was up working with Starr on other stuff, and not catching for me. Even so, Stacy came down to talk to me several times, which annoyed Sue. That, and she was dancing along to her radio. She's kind of a goof.
June stopped by. "You're leaving early, huh?" "Yup. Who told you? Starr?" "Nope. Sue." "Oh, I bet she's kinda pissed, huh?" "Oh yeah."
*Snicker*
I made sure all the key people knew the secret: Jen was picking me up at noon. And she was coming to the back door, right by the smoking area. Yes, right in front of Sue. It was going to be quite a show. Stacy was so excited that Jen was coming that she couldn't wait to come out and see her. Excellent. The more people that like Jen and miss her, the more the hostile work environment bullshit rap looks like a pile of shit. I'm just a little worried about Stacy. She really attached herself to the wagon that Jen and I have been pulling, and we've been looking after her, so after I'm gone ... I'm concerned about what may happen with her. If she's lucky, she'll get pulled back into her own department.
But she has been an interesting ally. While we were leaving Thursday, she was way ahead of me up the hallway. I was walking with Skip. Stacy looked back over her shoulder and hollered, "SAY HI TO JEN FOR ME!" across at least twenty people. Jen thought that was hilarious.
Jen made her grand entrance a couple minutes after 12:00. Stacy and I burst through the doors. Skip and a few others were watching out the window. Sue was in the smoking area already. Just like always when Jen and I pull these stunts, I did not turn my head to look in her direction. My role is to play it straight and play it cold, and I've always delivered the goods during these capers. But Sue was watching. Oh yeah. Of course she was. Jen said she was getting the Evil Eye the moment she pulled into view. Stacy chatted it up with Jen for a few minutes, and when she was leaving to go back inside she yelled, "LOVE YOU, JEN!"
She's such a doll.
So then, with Bonnie and Clyde reunited, and having wrecked Sue's day once again, we pulled off out of the parking lot, heading towards Newport.
And we'll finish this series off there next time.
On the way up the hill we drove by Bob, who was pulling out of the Co-Op parking lot, and yes he did see us. The question of whether or not Jen was still going to be allowed on the property would be answered pretty quick. Her intention was just to drop me off, mind you. She wasn't going to get out or cause any trouble. Of course, we were at the point now where her just showing up with me was sure to be trouble enough, if you know what I mean. We parked in the front; Bob drove around to the back. Apparently, he didn't have a problem with her being there. Fair enough.
Parking around front meant we'd see Starr. She drove in a few minutes after us, and came by to visit, and to see Sarah (Starr is a big dog person). Now, Jennifer and I differ on the subject of Starr. I think I can trust her; Jen doesn't believe she's so trustworthy. Ok, to be fair, I did say that I think *I* can trust Starr. I don't think she'll sell me out or throw me under the bus. Whether or not she'd sell Jen out or throw Jen under a bus is another story, because .... she might have. Skip and June also kind of share this opinion of Starr. But the fact is, she's never screwed me over, and she has had ample opportunity.
Jen, being a player herself, made nice with Starr. Since Starr and I ironed out that whole weird static she and I went through a while back, I do think she's started to like Jen a little more than maybe she did then. So they had a conversation where they discussed the details of Jen's firing, the details of which I'd filled Starr in on the day before. And oh, she loved Sarah, too. That is one personable dog, I tell you. I'm not really that big a dog person my own self, but Sarah and I are best buddies.
I was leaving at noon. This developed out of a conversation Jen and I had on the way to her brother's graduation the afternoon before.
Me: "You still want me to come to Newport with you?"
Jen: "Sure. If you want."
Me: "Would you have enough time if we left at noon?"
Jen: "Yeah, no problem."
Me: "Because this is what I was thinking...."
Jen: "I'll pick you up at noon!"
And then, in our devious way, we ironed out the details.
Ok, so that meant I had to tell someone I was ditching out early. So I stopped at Bob's desk and let him know I was leaving, if not why. Then he said, "You'll tell Sue, won't you?" Fuck.
I didn't want to tell her shit. Since the firing she and I had been on the outs, but if I have to I have to. But, I was going to do it on my own timetable, so between 7 and 9 I didn't breathe a word of it. I'd told Starr already, of course, and once again she didn't sell me out, so I can trust her. It's good enough for me.
On the way to 9:00 break, however, I showed up at Sue's desk with my timesheet, already filled out for three hours of personal time for that afternoon. She was not happy.
"Bob already knows about this, but since I know how communication is around here I figured I'd tell you I was leaving."
And she said, "Going to a physical appointment with Jen?"
That question could not have been more snotty, and it was the crack I told Bob only the afternoon before that I would bite on, and somehow I resisted the urge to grab Sue's throat with my teeth and rip it out.
"Something like that," I said. I made sure my expression was as smug as humanly possible when I said it, and walked off.
She was *pissed*. Imagine having four years of payback coming and collecting it all in a three week span. That's what Jen and I put Sue through on our way out. During break I told Skip about how I'd just ruined Sue's day. It was beautiful. He laughed and laughed. And then I told him the best part -- what was coming up at noon. I told him to be sure to keep an eye right out the window there.
I was on foil that day. And I was just slamming it out. The other days that week I'd pumped out 12 jobs all day. That Friday I put out 16 jobs just between 7 and noon. I was a machine, and really I wasn't even breathing hard doing that. I was just showing off what I could do and what Sue would be missing after I was gone. For most of the day I was working alone, too. Stacy was up working with Starr on other stuff, and not catching for me. Even so, Stacy came down to talk to me several times, which annoyed Sue. That, and she was dancing along to her radio. She's kind of a goof.
June stopped by. "You're leaving early, huh?" "Yup. Who told you? Starr?" "Nope. Sue." "Oh, I bet she's kinda pissed, huh?" "Oh yeah."
*Snicker*
I made sure all the key people knew the secret: Jen was picking me up at noon. And she was coming to the back door, right by the smoking area. Yes, right in front of Sue. It was going to be quite a show. Stacy was so excited that Jen was coming that she couldn't wait to come out and see her. Excellent. The more people that like Jen and miss her, the more the hostile work environment bullshit rap looks like a pile of shit. I'm just a little worried about Stacy. She really attached herself to the wagon that Jen and I have been pulling, and we've been looking after her, so after I'm gone ... I'm concerned about what may happen with her. If she's lucky, she'll get pulled back into her own department.
But she has been an interesting ally. While we were leaving Thursday, she was way ahead of me up the hallway. I was walking with Skip. Stacy looked back over her shoulder and hollered, "SAY HI TO JEN FOR ME!" across at least twenty people. Jen thought that was hilarious.
Jen made her grand entrance a couple minutes after 12:00. Stacy and I burst through the doors. Skip and a few others were watching out the window. Sue was in the smoking area already. Just like always when Jen and I pull these stunts, I did not turn my head to look in her direction. My role is to play it straight and play it cold, and I've always delivered the goods during these capers. But Sue was watching. Oh yeah. Of course she was. Jen said she was getting the Evil Eye the moment she pulled into view. Stacy chatted it up with Jen for a few minutes, and when she was leaving to go back inside she yelled, "LOVE YOU, JEN!"
She's such a doll.
So then, with Bonnie and Clyde reunited, and having wrecked Sue's day once again, we pulled off out of the parking lot, heading towards Newport.
And we'll finish this series off there next time.
Friday, June 22, 2007
The Funari Principle
I know I shouldn't keep telling all of this story out of order. I really should go back and finish the Into the Black series, but once again I'm merely Calliope's playtoy, and therefore have to write about what she wants me to write about. This one has pretty much been percolating in my mind for the whole week anyway. It really starts Sunday, which was kind of a rocky day, even though it ended in a long telephone conversation that more or less sorted Jen and I out. But the factors that led to the rocky day, at least the ones coming from my end, forced me to make a change in the way I've been dealing with all this.
I've been caught in the orbit of Planet Jen for a while now, long enough that I may have started to lose my perspective on the relationship. And this brings me to something that Guinevere had suggested a week earlier, and while I agreed with her suggestion, the prior week wasn't favorable for implementing it. The suggestion involved revisiting something that happened between Krysten and I way back at the Medical Center. At one point in our relationship, the sexual tension between Krysten and I was so thick and vicious that a tremendous friction developed between us to the point where she and I could barely co-exist. I wouldn't give her a break on anything, and I'm pretty sure I was a horrible dick to her for about a week, until it got so bad that she finally pulled me aside and asked if we could talk about it. And we did, and we ironed it out. I might have never approached her, but Krysten had a lot of moxie.
Now, the thing with Jen here is somewhat based on the underlying principle involved in that story, but it required some tweaking. I would gain nothing by being a jerk, but I do know that in our early going that this thing with Jen was running smoother when I was being more stand-offish as opposed to when I repeatedly threw myself against the wall to go splat. So after Sunday night I decided I wasn't calling her. At all. Monday after work the plan was to hang out here a bit and then go to Borders. I wasn't going to hang out and twist in the wind over whether or not to call her up. Nope. I went to Borders and did my thing. When I got home a little after 8:00, I had a message from her in my voice mail. Hey, this might actually work. Since I was calling her *back*, I did call, and we ended up talking until after midnight.
Tuesday. I didn't call. I did the same thing. She called me again that night, and we talked for a little while. And we made plans for the next day, which was the day my physical was scheduled for, and she came along and got some of her paperwork done while we were out there. I went to my appointment, we came back here and bummed around for a bit, and then I went in to pick up her last paycheck ... as she was told by Chris that she couldn't come in and get it herself. Of course, I made sure to park in as noticeable spot as possible, seeing as how we arrived just before the 3:20 bell, on the side of the building where most of the people we'd want to catch exit ... including June, Skip and Gloria, Stacy, and Sue. All of that first group stopped by to see us, and told us how the day had gone without me (I totally ditched work), but I was inside talking to Chris when Sue came out, and apparently the glare would have been enough to turn normal people to stone. Luckily, Jennifer is more of a stone cold badass. So we accomplished that, and then I drove her home.
Thursday. I covered some of the particulars of Thursday in the last post, but once again -- I was here doing my own thing, she called me, we hung out a bit, then I went to do my own thing again. But we did make tentative plans for today, the aforementioned "make me a better offer" plans. Now, I've learned with Jen that any and all plans are a) subject to change, b) subject to cancellation, and c) extremely flexible. So, it was kind of a we'll see what happens thing for me.
This morning came and I called Rugers. Betty wasn't there today, so I might have to go in Monday to do my paperwork stuff, at least I fucking hope so. I would like to start my new job as soon as possible. Anyway, Jennifer called me around 10:30 and I went to meet her. I went through this whole week without initiating a phone call or whatever else, and I let her do some of the work instead. It's been working.
So today we hung out for a pretty long while. I was expecting only a couple hours, but it went about seven, which was nice. We hung out with her dog Sarah and her grandma's dog Bullet (who has the puppydog face of all puppydog faces), took them to play in the park, and I met her friend Nicole from Manchester right near the end there. Then I went my own way to go write at Borders. I felt pretty good about things. Jen said she might call me later, but I didn't put a whole lot of stock in it. I figured she should go have some girls night with Nicole and enjoy herself, and I could fend for myself doing things I like to do.
Because sometimes I just need to break out of the orbit of Planet Jen, you know?
Anyway, I got home a bit after 8:00. There was a message from Jen in my mail. She and Nicole were going to the movies and if I wanted to come along give her a call back. And I thought about this, and about whether or not I wanted to be the third wheel ... again ... and I thought about it, and I didn't call her back right away. A little while later the phone rang again, and I thought about it, and didn't answer it. I called back again a little after 9:00, when I figured the movie had started, so as to leave a message where I said I got back late and sorry I missed the message and have fun with Nicole. But she answered.
You know where they were? They'd gone to Borders to look for me. I was stunned by how actually sweet that was. They were out looking for me. So she asked if I wanted to come along to the movie and I said I would and met them there. First we hooked up and took a short drive for a smoke, which I hadn't done in about four years, and it had quite an effect. Nicole seems pretty nice, by the way. The movie we went to was 1408, and it wasn't too bad. Then, since Nicole had left her young son with Jen's mom, they had to split, and I came back here.
Pretty good day overall.
On the drive home I decided something, and if this doesn't prove that the Real Me is back then nothing will. I decided that even though I'm a little neurotic and I may not have a lot of slick moves and I do fuck up now and then ... I am pretty badass in the boyfriend role. Nobody will ever have your back or treat you better than I will when I am The Boyfriend. And Jen should know this. And when things start to get tough, and they will, she should hang onto me by any means necessary, and keep me around, and she should realize just how valuable I am. Because if she doesn't .... some girl will. I am a great boyfriend to have around. I'm not perfect, but I will do my best. You should be lucky to have me around.
How's that for a slice of fried gold?
I've been caught in the orbit of Planet Jen for a while now, long enough that I may have started to lose my perspective on the relationship. And this brings me to something that Guinevere had suggested a week earlier, and while I agreed with her suggestion, the prior week wasn't favorable for implementing it. The suggestion involved revisiting something that happened between Krysten and I way back at the Medical Center. At one point in our relationship, the sexual tension between Krysten and I was so thick and vicious that a tremendous friction developed between us to the point where she and I could barely co-exist. I wouldn't give her a break on anything, and I'm pretty sure I was a horrible dick to her for about a week, until it got so bad that she finally pulled me aside and asked if we could talk about it. And we did, and we ironed it out. I might have never approached her, but Krysten had a lot of moxie.
Now, the thing with Jen here is somewhat based on the underlying principle involved in that story, but it required some tweaking. I would gain nothing by being a jerk, but I do know that in our early going that this thing with Jen was running smoother when I was being more stand-offish as opposed to when I repeatedly threw myself against the wall to go splat. So after Sunday night I decided I wasn't calling her. At all. Monday after work the plan was to hang out here a bit and then go to Borders. I wasn't going to hang out and twist in the wind over whether or not to call her up. Nope. I went to Borders and did my thing. When I got home a little after 8:00, I had a message from her in my voice mail. Hey, this might actually work. Since I was calling her *back*, I did call, and we ended up talking until after midnight.
Tuesday. I didn't call. I did the same thing. She called me again that night, and we talked for a little while. And we made plans for the next day, which was the day my physical was scheduled for, and she came along and got some of her paperwork done while we were out there. I went to my appointment, we came back here and bummed around for a bit, and then I went in to pick up her last paycheck ... as she was told by Chris that she couldn't come in and get it herself. Of course, I made sure to park in as noticeable spot as possible, seeing as how we arrived just before the 3:20 bell, on the side of the building where most of the people we'd want to catch exit ... including June, Skip and Gloria, Stacy, and Sue. All of that first group stopped by to see us, and told us how the day had gone without me (I totally ditched work), but I was inside talking to Chris when Sue came out, and apparently the glare would have been enough to turn normal people to stone. Luckily, Jennifer is more of a stone cold badass. So we accomplished that, and then I drove her home.
Thursday. I covered some of the particulars of Thursday in the last post, but once again -- I was here doing my own thing, she called me, we hung out a bit, then I went to do my own thing again. But we did make tentative plans for today, the aforementioned "make me a better offer" plans. Now, I've learned with Jen that any and all plans are a) subject to change, b) subject to cancellation, and c) extremely flexible. So, it was kind of a we'll see what happens thing for me.
This morning came and I called Rugers. Betty wasn't there today, so I might have to go in Monday to do my paperwork stuff, at least I fucking hope so. I would like to start my new job as soon as possible. Anyway, Jennifer called me around 10:30 and I went to meet her. I went through this whole week without initiating a phone call or whatever else, and I let her do some of the work instead. It's been working.
So today we hung out for a pretty long while. I was expecting only a couple hours, but it went about seven, which was nice. We hung out with her dog Sarah and her grandma's dog Bullet (who has the puppydog face of all puppydog faces), took them to play in the park, and I met her friend Nicole from Manchester right near the end there. Then I went my own way to go write at Borders. I felt pretty good about things. Jen said she might call me later, but I didn't put a whole lot of stock in it. I figured she should go have some girls night with Nicole and enjoy herself, and I could fend for myself doing things I like to do.
Because sometimes I just need to break out of the orbit of Planet Jen, you know?
Anyway, I got home a bit after 8:00. There was a message from Jen in my mail. She and Nicole were going to the movies and if I wanted to come along give her a call back. And I thought about this, and about whether or not I wanted to be the third wheel ... again ... and I thought about it, and I didn't call her back right away. A little while later the phone rang again, and I thought about it, and didn't answer it. I called back again a little after 9:00, when I figured the movie had started, so as to leave a message where I said I got back late and sorry I missed the message and have fun with Nicole. But she answered.
You know where they were? They'd gone to Borders to look for me. I was stunned by how actually sweet that was. They were out looking for me. So she asked if I wanted to come along to the movie and I said I would and met them there. First we hooked up and took a short drive for a smoke, which I hadn't done in about four years, and it had quite an effect. Nicole seems pretty nice, by the way. The movie we went to was 1408, and it wasn't too bad. Then, since Nicole had left her young son with Jen's mom, they had to split, and I came back here.
Pretty good day overall.
On the drive home I decided something, and if this doesn't prove that the Real Me is back then nothing will. I decided that even though I'm a little neurotic and I may not have a lot of slick moves and I do fuck up now and then ... I am pretty badass in the boyfriend role. Nobody will ever have your back or treat you better than I will when I am The Boyfriend. And Jen should know this. And when things start to get tough, and they will, she should hang onto me by any means necessary, and keep me around, and she should realize just how valuable I am. Because if she doesn't .... some girl will. I am a great boyfriend to have around. I'm not perfect, but I will do my best. You should be lucky to have me around.
How's that for a slice of fried gold?
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Sparky 2.0
I'll get back to the saga, yes, but I need to jump ahead and get to some current events, if you don't mind.
Today may have been my last day at the Hellhole that I've called my job for the past seven years. Seven years. That's longer than I worked at the Medical Center even. It's a long damn time. Tomorrow was scheduled to be my last day, but there are reasons for my possible bumping up of it.
I need to visit Rugers' Human Resources department and do paperwork for them before I can start. I had my physical on Wednesday, and returned the paperwork for that, and I was hoping to get a call from Betty sometime today so I'd know when to head down Newport way. Of course, I didn't get a call today, and when I called her I got no answer, although I did leave a message. So this leaves me two options:
1. Go to work my last day, and leave almost no time for me to be able to get myself to Newport to do this paperwork so that I can possibly start there Monday.
2. Blow off my last day so that I can pro-actively attack this situation, take charge of my destiny, and get my ass in gear.
Sounds pretty cut and dried, doesn't it? Even so, the prospect of making this decision alone was somewhat daunting, and I knew Jennifer was going to call me to find out how a particular thing at work today went (I'll get to that), so when she asked if I could hang out for an hour or so before she went to see her aunt, I said sure. When I got there I said, "Make me a better offer." She was confused. "Make me a better offer, and I'm done with them up the hill." I still had to lead her through this a bit, as she's not all the way used to the odd pathways of my mind yet.
"It can be anything. I can be bought off with almost nothing. Sparky, let's go shoot some hoops. Sparky, let's go play pool. Sparky, buy me lunch. Anything."
So she said, "I do need someone to hang out with in town," or something like that, so I said good enough. Besides, I really do need to be available to run to Newport at a moment's notice, so going to work would just screw that up. I just needed something to tip my indecision over.
I did warn Bob of the possibility of this right at the end of the day. I said it was regrettable, as I really did want to finish out my two weeks, but he understood and even shook my hand. We talked about some other stuff, too, which I'll get back around to in a minute.
So if that's the case that today was my last day there, I left with little fanfare, pretty much just sneaking out like a thief in the night. I mean, it's no secret that I'm leaving. I've had at least 20 people stop by my press this week alone and wish me luck and ask me questions. To a person, not *one* of them doesn't understand my reasons for wanting to get out of there. Take that, Sue. So even though relations between Sue and I have been excrutiating the past few weeks, I am very popular with the people ... even though my not being there tomorrow is sure to piss off some of them, as I almost swore on my own grave that I would be there tomorrow. I didn't let anyone, not even Starr or Stacy in on even a hint that I might ditch out, even though a few people did ask if I was going to do exactly that. Even without this Newport thing I would have been tempted, as it's really sucked down there lately, even moreso than normal for my sucky department.
And that means I'm technically unemployed for the first time since fall semester of Westfield State College way back in 1990. I mean, sure, Rugers is as good as all set, but until I talk to HR and get in to finish my paperwork, I'm a little nerved up. So you might ask me why I'm doing something potentially stupid like blowing off work tomorrow. Because the alternative is working until 3:20 and *then* being technically unemployed with no way to fix that until at least Monday. So if I follow the math here, there's only one decent option remaining. I ditch.
So let us celebrate this fine moment. I'm free! Free at last, free at last, thank god almighty I'M FREE AT LAST.
Ah, and the other thing. Jennifer, being somewhat angry about her dismissal, and being something of a spiteful girl, is talking to a lawyer. To be honest, that might not have crossed her mind if not for my mentioning to her that my dad thought that firing someone for the "hostile environment" reason sounds pretty bogus, and might be illegal. So I have some blame for this.
She has talked to a lawyer, who seems somewhat receptive. She's also left two or three messages on the voice mail of the president of our former company, and as of yet he has not responded. Today I had my final meeting with Chris, our Human Resources person, so that I could finish out my paperwork. Yesterday I had to see Chris so that I could pick up Jen's last paycheck, since she was told she couldn't come in and get it her own self, as if she's violent or something. She was, however, outside waiting in my car. There was an idea that I might be able to put across to Chris somehow that Jen was seeking legal recourse about her situation. While I've been hardcore and badass in my dealings with Sue and Bob the past few weeks, something about Chris (probably that she's pretty sweet and meek) throws me right off my game everytime I talk to her, so I never got an opening. I didn't get an opening today either.
My talk with Bob, however, was another story. After covering my Newport business with him, I got onto the subject of my leaving and how it wasn't because I hated the company or anything, and that I thought he'd always been fair with me and so forth. Then I stalled ... on purpose. I wasn't sure how I should play this one until I was in the middle of playing it. I told him that there was something else I thought I should mention, and it would bug me if I didn't, and that I was trying to be honorable about things. So I got back into the Jen vs. Sue situation, and my part in that, and I mentioned that Jen was upset and thought she got a raw deal, and I happen to agree with her. Bob said he couldn't discuss the particulars, and I said I understood that, however, she'd already told me the whole thing. And I mentioned that she was angry, talking to a lawyer, and I stressed that she was dead serious about it.
I have to say that Bob has a pretty good poker face, and I couldn't get a good read on his exact reaction. I do think he took what I said seriously, but he didn't give off that he was too concerned about it. Jen has a theory that maybe he's secretly interested in seeing something like that play out, as it could remove one of his biggest problems, but I dunno. He did say he appreciated me bringing this to his attention. See, the way I was playing it was a bit subtle -- that I was coming forward to him about this situation, that I was a little worried about, without her knowledge. I was spilling her beans, so to speak. Really, it's kind of the reverse of the "interview" stunt Jen and I pulled a few weeks ago. We're totally in cahoots on all this shit, but not everyone necessarily knows that.
I did add to Bob, however, that if the lawyer wants to ask me some questions I will talk to him, and I will tell the truth. I won't lie. Then again, I won't have to. The truth is plenty fucked up enough. Bob said he had no problem with that, not that he could stop me anyway, but it does support the idea that he's playing this pretty cool. Jen and I did a lot of speculation about that while comparing notes. Then she called the lawyer's office back and got some advice. While on the line she said that she wasn't looking to stir up a lot of trouble or anything, just that she felt she was treated unfairly.
Afterwords, I said, "Despite what you said to the lawyer there, I think you should raise hell. You should raise holy fucking hell."
She gave me the most evil-looking smile this side of a cheshire cat.
"Oh. I intend to."
There might be some ugliness afoot.
Today may have been my last day at the Hellhole that I've called my job for the past seven years. Seven years. That's longer than I worked at the Medical Center even. It's a long damn time. Tomorrow was scheduled to be my last day, but there are reasons for my possible bumping up of it.
I need to visit Rugers' Human Resources department and do paperwork for them before I can start. I had my physical on Wednesday, and returned the paperwork for that, and I was hoping to get a call from Betty sometime today so I'd know when to head down Newport way. Of course, I didn't get a call today, and when I called her I got no answer, although I did leave a message. So this leaves me two options:
1. Go to work my last day, and leave almost no time for me to be able to get myself to Newport to do this paperwork so that I can possibly start there Monday.
2. Blow off my last day so that I can pro-actively attack this situation, take charge of my destiny, and get my ass in gear.
Sounds pretty cut and dried, doesn't it? Even so, the prospect of making this decision alone was somewhat daunting, and I knew Jennifer was going to call me to find out how a particular thing at work today went (I'll get to that), so when she asked if I could hang out for an hour or so before she went to see her aunt, I said sure. When I got there I said, "Make me a better offer." She was confused. "Make me a better offer, and I'm done with them up the hill." I still had to lead her through this a bit, as she's not all the way used to the odd pathways of my mind yet.
"It can be anything. I can be bought off with almost nothing. Sparky, let's go shoot some hoops. Sparky, let's go play pool. Sparky, buy me lunch. Anything."
So she said, "I do need someone to hang out with in town," or something like that, so I said good enough. Besides, I really do need to be available to run to Newport at a moment's notice, so going to work would just screw that up. I just needed something to tip my indecision over.
I did warn Bob of the possibility of this right at the end of the day. I said it was regrettable, as I really did want to finish out my two weeks, but he understood and even shook my hand. We talked about some other stuff, too, which I'll get back around to in a minute.
So if that's the case that today was my last day there, I left with little fanfare, pretty much just sneaking out like a thief in the night. I mean, it's no secret that I'm leaving. I've had at least 20 people stop by my press this week alone and wish me luck and ask me questions. To a person, not *one* of them doesn't understand my reasons for wanting to get out of there. Take that, Sue. So even though relations between Sue and I have been excrutiating the past few weeks, I am very popular with the people ... even though my not being there tomorrow is sure to piss off some of them, as I almost swore on my own grave that I would be there tomorrow. I didn't let anyone, not even Starr or Stacy in on even a hint that I might ditch out, even though a few people did ask if I was going to do exactly that. Even without this Newport thing I would have been tempted, as it's really sucked down there lately, even moreso than normal for my sucky department.
And that means I'm technically unemployed for the first time since fall semester of Westfield State College way back in 1990. I mean, sure, Rugers is as good as all set, but until I talk to HR and get in to finish my paperwork, I'm a little nerved up. So you might ask me why I'm doing something potentially stupid like blowing off work tomorrow. Because the alternative is working until 3:20 and *then* being technically unemployed with no way to fix that until at least Monday. So if I follow the math here, there's only one decent option remaining. I ditch.
So let us celebrate this fine moment. I'm free! Free at last, free at last, thank god almighty I'M FREE AT LAST.
Ah, and the other thing. Jennifer, being somewhat angry about her dismissal, and being something of a spiteful girl, is talking to a lawyer. To be honest, that might not have crossed her mind if not for my mentioning to her that my dad thought that firing someone for the "hostile environment" reason sounds pretty bogus, and might be illegal. So I have some blame for this.
She has talked to a lawyer, who seems somewhat receptive. She's also left two or three messages on the voice mail of the president of our former company, and as of yet he has not responded. Today I had my final meeting with Chris, our Human Resources person, so that I could finish out my paperwork. Yesterday I had to see Chris so that I could pick up Jen's last paycheck, since she was told she couldn't come in and get it her own self, as if she's violent or something. She was, however, outside waiting in my car. There was an idea that I might be able to put across to Chris somehow that Jen was seeking legal recourse about her situation. While I've been hardcore and badass in my dealings with Sue and Bob the past few weeks, something about Chris (probably that she's pretty sweet and meek) throws me right off my game everytime I talk to her, so I never got an opening. I didn't get an opening today either.
My talk with Bob, however, was another story. After covering my Newport business with him, I got onto the subject of my leaving and how it wasn't because I hated the company or anything, and that I thought he'd always been fair with me and so forth. Then I stalled ... on purpose. I wasn't sure how I should play this one until I was in the middle of playing it. I told him that there was something else I thought I should mention, and it would bug me if I didn't, and that I was trying to be honorable about things. So I got back into the Jen vs. Sue situation, and my part in that, and I mentioned that Jen was upset and thought she got a raw deal, and I happen to agree with her. Bob said he couldn't discuss the particulars, and I said I understood that, however, she'd already told me the whole thing. And I mentioned that she was angry, talking to a lawyer, and I stressed that she was dead serious about it.
I have to say that Bob has a pretty good poker face, and I couldn't get a good read on his exact reaction. I do think he took what I said seriously, but he didn't give off that he was too concerned about it. Jen has a theory that maybe he's secretly interested in seeing something like that play out, as it could remove one of his biggest problems, but I dunno. He did say he appreciated me bringing this to his attention. See, the way I was playing it was a bit subtle -- that I was coming forward to him about this situation, that I was a little worried about, without her knowledge. I was spilling her beans, so to speak. Really, it's kind of the reverse of the "interview" stunt Jen and I pulled a few weeks ago. We're totally in cahoots on all this shit, but not everyone necessarily knows that.
I did add to Bob, however, that if the lawyer wants to ask me some questions I will talk to him, and I will tell the truth. I won't lie. Then again, I won't have to. The truth is plenty fucked up enough. Bob said he had no problem with that, not that he could stop me anyway, but it does support the idea that he's playing this pretty cool. Jen and I did a lot of speculation about that while comparing notes. Then she called the lawyer's office back and got some advice. While on the line she said that she wasn't looking to stir up a lot of trouble or anything, just that she felt she was treated unfairly.
Afterwords, I said, "Despite what you said to the lawyer there, I think you should raise hell. You should raise holy fucking hell."
She gave me the most evil-looking smile this side of a cheshire cat.
"Oh. I intend to."
There might be some ugliness afoot.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Into the Black, part 2
I met up with Jen later that afternoon (Thursday). She was racing back from Manchester, having just visited her longtime friend Nicole, when she called me here. We were hooking up to attend her little brother's graduation, and I was going to meet some of the family. That I was coming along to this was actually something that was suggested by Jen's mom, so on Wednesday when Jen asked if I was still coming, I answered, "Of course. I don't want to disappoint my Future Mother-In-Law." Running jokes rule.
She was coming in sooner than I expected, so I had to throw myself together very quickly. I figured I should look a bit nicer than I generally tend to, considering, and after that hellish workday I definitely needed a shower. Jen picked me up here, I told her some of the stories from Part 1, and we settled on a cover story, as she hadn't told her mom and step-mom what had happened the day before, and didn't want to either. So of course, I totally backed that up. My own mom doesn't know everything either, and possibly never will. Turns out we didn't even need that cover story and it never came up.
We went over to her aunt's house first, and her mom was the first person I met, which seems fitting enough. She likes me, too. I always tend to score pretty well with the folks of my girlfriends (except for Samantha's, who just hated me for reasons I never figured out), as well as with little kids and animals. It's my niche. I also met her grandma, her aunt, and various assorted uncles and cousins, most of whom I don't remember right now. But that's ok; I got the mom. Turns out one of the guys there was a Bad Uncle, if you get my meaning, and I'm actually glad that Jennifer waitied until much much much later to point that out.
From there we headed to Lebanon High for the ceremony. One of her cousins ... or nephews ... I'm not sure ... rode with us, along with his 14 year old girlfriend (yikes!) (he's like 18, see). Once we got there I met Sherrie, the step-mom, who also seemed very nice (I'd sort of met her once already, kinda), along with other various members of that side of the family. The other side of the family, described to me as the scary side, were sitting elsewhere, and Jen kept up a running debate as to whether or not she was going to subject me to them. And she didn't. Apparently, her dad is kind of intense and her grandmother is evil, at least that's how it was laid out to me.
But news apparently did travel over to that group that Jen was there with someone, which I guess is some sort of big deal. I guess she isn't the sort who attaches herself to a Boyfriend all that easily. That's what they apparently think, and let me tell you from personal experience ... they aren't wrong.
The ceremony, as Lebanon is a huge class, went on for a pretty long while. Jen and I actually ditched out before the end, which also became something of a scandal, since that meant she ducked out on a lot of the pictures that were taken. Some comments were made from the peanut gallery about what a cute couple we were, along with the usual remarks about my eyes (my best feature), and for a bit Jen was even leaning her head on my arm. Now this is a part where I *should* have made more of a move to put my own arm around her, but held back because of things I know about her and things she's said about her general comfort level with things .... so I kind of blew it there, yeah. Don't think I don't regret it.
After we ditched she and I went over to the Chinese Buffet place and hung out there for a while and talked. A lot of it was about work, going back over everything that was said both during her firing and what I'd gotten from other people since. After that we went for a drive around the local area and some interesting backroads. We ended up getting 'lost' over in her neck of the woods, so she suggested I could just crash at her house, which was fine with me. No, I didn't expect anything to happen like that, not with her mom and Sherrie there, or maybe at all. I don't know. But I figured what the heck.
I'm not sure her mom was completely jazzed about the idea, but I'd already promised to be on my best behavior, as if that was any question, and plus her dog Sarah slept in there with us most of the night, too. It was a bit awkward, not because of the dog, but because of the complex nature of this relationship, and I think I'll just leave it at that if y'all don't mind. It did take me a little while before I could fall asleep.
The plan was for her to drop me off at work for 7:00. But that was only Part 1 of what we'd sketched out. The rest came later.
(to be continued)
She was coming in sooner than I expected, so I had to throw myself together very quickly. I figured I should look a bit nicer than I generally tend to, considering, and after that hellish workday I definitely needed a shower. Jen picked me up here, I told her some of the stories from Part 1, and we settled on a cover story, as she hadn't told her mom and step-mom what had happened the day before, and didn't want to either. So of course, I totally backed that up. My own mom doesn't know everything either, and possibly never will. Turns out we didn't even need that cover story and it never came up.
We went over to her aunt's house first, and her mom was the first person I met, which seems fitting enough. She likes me, too. I always tend to score pretty well with the folks of my girlfriends (except for Samantha's, who just hated me for reasons I never figured out), as well as with little kids and animals. It's my niche. I also met her grandma, her aunt, and various assorted uncles and cousins, most of whom I don't remember right now. But that's ok; I got the mom. Turns out one of the guys there was a Bad Uncle, if you get my meaning, and I'm actually glad that Jennifer waitied until much much much later to point that out.
From there we headed to Lebanon High for the ceremony. One of her cousins ... or nephews ... I'm not sure ... rode with us, along with his 14 year old girlfriend (yikes!) (he's like 18, see). Once we got there I met Sherrie, the step-mom, who also seemed very nice (I'd sort of met her once already, kinda), along with other various members of that side of the family. The other side of the family, described to me as the scary side, were sitting elsewhere, and Jen kept up a running debate as to whether or not she was going to subject me to them. And she didn't. Apparently, her dad is kind of intense and her grandmother is evil, at least that's how it was laid out to me.
But news apparently did travel over to that group that Jen was there with someone, which I guess is some sort of big deal. I guess she isn't the sort who attaches herself to a Boyfriend all that easily. That's what they apparently think, and let me tell you from personal experience ... they aren't wrong.
The ceremony, as Lebanon is a huge class, went on for a pretty long while. Jen and I actually ditched out before the end, which also became something of a scandal, since that meant she ducked out on a lot of the pictures that were taken. Some comments were made from the peanut gallery about what a cute couple we were, along with the usual remarks about my eyes (my best feature), and for a bit Jen was even leaning her head on my arm. Now this is a part where I *should* have made more of a move to put my own arm around her, but held back because of things I know about her and things she's said about her general comfort level with things .... so I kind of blew it there, yeah. Don't think I don't regret it.
After we ditched she and I went over to the Chinese Buffet place and hung out there for a while and talked. A lot of it was about work, going back over everything that was said both during her firing and what I'd gotten from other people since. After that we went for a drive around the local area and some interesting backroads. We ended up getting 'lost' over in her neck of the woods, so she suggested I could just crash at her house, which was fine with me. No, I didn't expect anything to happen like that, not with her mom and Sherrie there, or maybe at all. I don't know. But I figured what the heck.
I'm not sure her mom was completely jazzed about the idea, but I'd already promised to be on my best behavior, as if that was any question, and plus her dog Sarah slept in there with us most of the night, too. It was a bit awkward, not because of the dog, but because of the complex nature of this relationship, and I think I'll just leave it at that if y'all don't mind. It did take me a little while before I could fall asleep.
The plan was for her to drop me off at work for 7:00. But that was only Part 1 of what we'd sketched out. The rest came later.
(to be continued)
Diary of a Virgo, volume 1
How well are you capitalizing on this year's unique opportunities, Virgo? Now that we're almost halfway through 2007, let's take an inventory. I'm hoping that six months from now, you'll look back and say the following: "This was the year I came all the way home. It was a turning point when I learned to speak with my own voice instead of trying to speak with the voices of everyone who's ever been important to me. In 2007 I found my power spot, my mother lode, my sacred ground. For the first time, I have a deeply felt certainty that I belong here on this planet; I belong here in my life; I belong here in this community and this mission and this body."
So there's the mission statement.
So there's the mission statement.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Into the Black, part 1
When last we left our epic tale way back last Wednesday, Jen had been fired from our wonderful company. That left me to try and run the Cookie and Sparky Show as a solo act, which I wasn't sure I could pull off, but looking back I think I held up my end really well, and I think Jen would have been proud. She was definitely amused by it all when I filled her in that afternoon.
I didn't know what anyone else knew. I had the whole story, and I knew Sue was responsible for this, and in my mind's eye I saw her crowing about it to the rest of the crew, even though Jen was fairly popular with the others. I could still see that old hag boasting about it, really proud of herself. I was already angry, and that image just fueled it even further. But I was walking a bit of a tightrope myself. On one hand an injustice had been done, and the people she cared about should know she didn't just wig out and decide not to serve out her notice; on the other hand, it was embarassing to her (a little) and I didn't want to just spray the fact that she'd been fired around indiscriminately. I needed to find the balance between being a vengeful boyfriend and protecting her good name.
At the same time, anyone who noticed Jen was missing came straight to me with the questions. Depending who it was asking, I'd either be evasive or give the dirt.
Stacy was first. She'd kind of attached herself to Jen and I while visiting our department, and I figured she deserved the truth. My stand-by response to "Did she quit or get fired?" has become, "She didn't quit." That usually tells people enough, even though I've used that very sparingly, too. In Stacy's case I told her the whole enchilada. She was shocked. Shocked! "Hostile? But she's awesome. I can't think of any hostile anything." She repeated that a few times throughout the day, enough that I was starting to get worried. Not for my own sake, but I was afraid she might get into trouble. But she was discreet, so that's good.
Starr was next. Even though I like Starr, and believe she wouldn't throw me under the bus, I still had some small suspicion that she was in on this one somehow. If you recall the brief spat I had with Starr way back in the early posts of this blog, I'm not 100% certain that wasn't over some resentment she was feeling towards Jen, even though Sue did stir that whole pot up. I had to be careful with this one.
I was up at her press while she was cleaning up a job. And then she asked me where Jen was.
"You don't know?"
"No. Where is she? In turn-on?"
"You really don't know."
"I don't know."
"Ask Sue."
"Why? What's..."
"Ask Sue. She didn't tell you already?"
"She didn't tell me shit."
"She'll tell you."
"Is she not here?"
"She isn't here."
"Did Sue get her fired or something?"
So I nodded.
"Well, Jesus Christ."
I pushed as hard as I could, and if she really did know anything she's a very convincing liar, I mean like Melissa level. I was satisfied. I even got into the reasoning for the firing with Starr, because she wanted to know, and she was surprised, too. Around then Sue appeared and came around to the side of the press. I was too disgusted with the old hag to remain, so I took a powder. Later on Starr came by and told me that Sue wanted to know "What was HE talking about?" I'm pretty sure she already had a suspicion exactly what I was talking about, but Starr didn't throw me under the bus. I would have known almost right away if she had.
That left Skip and June, both of whom had come in at 6:00 where the rest of us had come in at 7:00. I was positive Sue had said something to them first thing when they were gathered at her desk. I almost wish I'd come in for 6:00 just to see how she would have spun it if I'd been standing there. The subject was *not* addressed between Sue and I, but clearly she knew that I knew everything already. For the most part she seemed to be avoiding any direct confrontation with me, but she was definitely keeping a close eye on me all day. I was waiting, though, for her to push the envelope with me on the Jen thing. I expected some kind of snarky remark, and then I would have blown my top right there. Yes I would.
I had it all prepared, too. "Why? Am I being too hostile? Maybe you can go get me fired, too." But I never got the opportunity. We had kind of a Cold War going all day long. She didn't come near me too much, and I avoided her. And that's about how it's been since, too.
After lunch, I had a visit from Bob. I know he didn't instigate the firing, but he was the one who had to carry it out. I saw him coming, but I didn't realize he was coming by to talk to me until he stopped at my press. The truth is, I did want to talk to him about all that, but hadn't had the chance. Also, first thing in the morning it seemed as though he was avoiding me. In fact, once right before 7:00 he totally ducked me. My intention was to catch him at his desk and start out with, "Are you kidding?" I'm sure he would have known what I meant.
So he approached me. "Well, I'm not surprised, but I am pleased to see that you came in to work." In other words, he thought there was a chance that after I found out they canned Jen that I would say fuck it and not come back myself. I did tell him that the thought crossed my mind, and I added that Jennifer helped talk me into showing up, which is more or less true. Clearly, the elephant in the room needed to be addressed, so I brought up that obviously I knew what happened the day before, and I further added that I had a pretty clear idea how it all shook down. That is to say, I know who's fingerprints are all over it. And Bob pretty much confirmed that my suspicions were correct.
That let me launch into the rest. I told him I thought firing Jen over the "hostile work environment" thing was absurd and ridiculous, and completely inside-out considering the conditions I work there under every day. And I said to him, "I'm not happy about it, for whatever that's worth. And I know who's responsible. And if I hear one rude comment or snotty remark about Jen from her, she and I are going to have some words." He totally knew I wasn't kidding. And he mentioned that it was one of the conditions that she couldn't say anything about Jen. I'm not sure he was really supposed to tell me that, as it really does implicate Sue in the whole thing. I told him as far as Sue goes I was keeping her at arm's length, and that's how I'd like it to stay. He figured that was probably for the best.
I may have lost my partner-in-crime, but I kept on fighting the good fight. I was anxious to get out of there, though, as my girlfriend and I had a date to meet up so as to attend her brother's high school graduation.
(to be continued)
I didn't know what anyone else knew. I had the whole story, and I knew Sue was responsible for this, and in my mind's eye I saw her crowing about it to the rest of the crew, even though Jen was fairly popular with the others. I could still see that old hag boasting about it, really proud of herself. I was already angry, and that image just fueled it even further. But I was walking a bit of a tightrope myself. On one hand an injustice had been done, and the people she cared about should know she didn't just wig out and decide not to serve out her notice; on the other hand, it was embarassing to her (a little) and I didn't want to just spray the fact that she'd been fired around indiscriminately. I needed to find the balance between being a vengeful boyfriend and protecting her good name.
At the same time, anyone who noticed Jen was missing came straight to me with the questions. Depending who it was asking, I'd either be evasive or give the dirt.
Stacy was first. She'd kind of attached herself to Jen and I while visiting our department, and I figured she deserved the truth. My stand-by response to "Did she quit or get fired?" has become, "She didn't quit." That usually tells people enough, even though I've used that very sparingly, too. In Stacy's case I told her the whole enchilada. She was shocked. Shocked! "Hostile? But she's awesome. I can't think of any hostile anything." She repeated that a few times throughout the day, enough that I was starting to get worried. Not for my own sake, but I was afraid she might get into trouble. But she was discreet, so that's good.
Starr was next. Even though I like Starr, and believe she wouldn't throw me under the bus, I still had some small suspicion that she was in on this one somehow. If you recall the brief spat I had with Starr way back in the early posts of this blog, I'm not 100% certain that wasn't over some resentment she was feeling towards Jen, even though Sue did stir that whole pot up. I had to be careful with this one.
I was up at her press while she was cleaning up a job. And then she asked me where Jen was.
"You don't know?"
"No. Where is she? In turn-on?"
"You really don't know."
"I don't know."
"Ask Sue."
"Why? What's..."
"Ask Sue. She didn't tell you already?"
"She didn't tell me shit."
"She'll tell you."
"Is she not here?"
"She isn't here."
"Did Sue get her fired or something?"
So I nodded.
"Well, Jesus Christ."
I pushed as hard as I could, and if she really did know anything she's a very convincing liar, I mean like Melissa level. I was satisfied. I even got into the reasoning for the firing with Starr, because she wanted to know, and she was surprised, too. Around then Sue appeared and came around to the side of the press. I was too disgusted with the old hag to remain, so I took a powder. Later on Starr came by and told me that Sue wanted to know "What was HE talking about?" I'm pretty sure she already had a suspicion exactly what I was talking about, but Starr didn't throw me under the bus. I would have known almost right away if she had.
That left Skip and June, both of whom had come in at 6:00 where the rest of us had come in at 7:00. I was positive Sue had said something to them first thing when they were gathered at her desk. I almost wish I'd come in for 6:00 just to see how she would have spun it if I'd been standing there. The subject was *not* addressed between Sue and I, but clearly she knew that I knew everything already. For the most part she seemed to be avoiding any direct confrontation with me, but she was definitely keeping a close eye on me all day. I was waiting, though, for her to push the envelope with me on the Jen thing. I expected some kind of snarky remark, and then I would have blown my top right there. Yes I would.
I had it all prepared, too. "Why? Am I being too hostile? Maybe you can go get me fired, too." But I never got the opportunity. We had kind of a Cold War going all day long. She didn't come near me too much, and I avoided her. And that's about how it's been since, too.
After lunch, I had a visit from Bob. I know he didn't instigate the firing, but he was the one who had to carry it out. I saw him coming, but I didn't realize he was coming by to talk to me until he stopped at my press. The truth is, I did want to talk to him about all that, but hadn't had the chance. Also, first thing in the morning it seemed as though he was avoiding me. In fact, once right before 7:00 he totally ducked me. My intention was to catch him at his desk and start out with, "Are you kidding?" I'm sure he would have known what I meant.
So he approached me. "Well, I'm not surprised, but I am pleased to see that you came in to work." In other words, he thought there was a chance that after I found out they canned Jen that I would say fuck it and not come back myself. I did tell him that the thought crossed my mind, and I added that Jennifer helped talk me into showing up, which is more or less true. Clearly, the elephant in the room needed to be addressed, so I brought up that obviously I knew what happened the day before, and I further added that I had a pretty clear idea how it all shook down. That is to say, I know who's fingerprints are all over it. And Bob pretty much confirmed that my suspicions were correct.
That let me launch into the rest. I told him I thought firing Jen over the "hostile work environment" thing was absurd and ridiculous, and completely inside-out considering the conditions I work there under every day. And I said to him, "I'm not happy about it, for whatever that's worth. And I know who's responsible. And if I hear one rude comment or snotty remark about Jen from her, she and I are going to have some words." He totally knew I wasn't kidding. And he mentioned that it was one of the conditions that she couldn't say anything about Jen. I'm not sure he was really supposed to tell me that, as it really does implicate Sue in the whole thing. I told him as far as Sue goes I was keeping her at arm's length, and that's how I'd like it to stay. He figured that was probably for the best.
I may have lost my partner-in-crime, but I kept on fighting the good fight. I was anxious to get out of there, though, as my girlfriend and I had a date to meet up so as to attend her brother's high school graduation.
(to be continued)
Monday, June 18, 2007
Stay Tuned, Folks
I haven't forgotten about the continuing epic story, so don't worry. There's a ton of shit to talk about from Thursday and Friday, and then some Sunday and Monday stuff to get into, all of which will be covered in my usual meticulous, graphic detail as soon as possible. Since there's so much to cover, I need the time to do it right, and as I'm talking to Jen on the phone right this very second ... I don't quite have the concentration I need to get into that. Perhaps tomorrow.
One way or the other, though, I will get to it all in full.
Your patience, as always, is greatly appreciated.
One way or the other, though, I will get to it all in full.
Your patience, as always, is greatly appreciated.
That Freaky Twin Thing
Ok, so I left a new label on that last post without any real reference point to it. The origin of those two names dates back to a post I made some time ago in the other blog. While I changed some of the details of the dream that spawned this idea so it would fit my alter ego, there was an actual dream underneath. And once again it became one of those things that live on in my imagination. Mostly because I'm odd.
In that dream I'm not specifically sure who the mother was, but I had two twin girls named Ally and Evie. I don't know where those names came from, but that's what they were. They were about three years old. All I remember is we were at my grandmother's (on my mom's side) house, and they were running around the backyard. It was like three minutes of footage before I woke up. The way the footage looks in my brain is kind of like grainy home video footage, if you know what I mean.
My brain didn't supply anyone specifically in as the mom, and I don't know if that makes any logical sense ... not that dreams are inherently logical or anything. But you know what I mean. If you know who was their mother, and yeah they did kind of look like her come to think of it, there wasn't any sign of big sister in that scene. That doesn't necessarily mean she wasn't there somewhere. I mean she could have been hanging around with her grandmother (my mom) somewhere else in the house, right?
The crazy part is I believed I'd been shown a vision. The way I put it over in the Batcave was that I was seeing that scene through The Bleed, or the dimensional fabric if you will, into a parallel universe where this little family existed. Unlike some of the dreams I have that destroy me, this one seemed really sweet, and it gives me warm thoughts when I think about it.
Why anytime children show up as some kind of manifestation of parallel universes they are always female is probably a matter of some conjecture. But I'm not going to look too deeply into it.
I just take it as it's presented to me.
In that dream I'm not specifically sure who the mother was, but I had two twin girls named Ally and Evie. I don't know where those names came from, but that's what they were. They were about three years old. All I remember is we were at my grandmother's (on my mom's side) house, and they were running around the backyard. It was like three minutes of footage before I woke up. The way the footage looks in my brain is kind of like grainy home video footage, if you know what I mean.
My brain didn't supply anyone specifically in as the mom, and I don't know if that makes any logical sense ... not that dreams are inherently logical or anything. But you know what I mean. If you know who was their mother, and yeah they did kind of look like her come to think of it, there wasn't any sign of big sister in that scene. That doesn't necessarily mean she wasn't there somewhere. I mean she could have been hanging around with her grandmother (my mom) somewhere else in the house, right?
The crazy part is I believed I'd been shown a vision. The way I put it over in the Batcave was that I was seeing that scene through The Bleed, or the dimensional fabric if you will, into a parallel universe where this little family existed. Unlike some of the dreams I have that destroy me, this one seemed really sweet, and it gives me warm thoughts when I think about it.
Why anytime children show up as some kind of manifestation of parallel universes they are always female is probably a matter of some conjecture. But I'm not going to look too deeply into it.
I just take it as it's presented to me.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Instant Karma
I'll write out the epic sometime later this afternoon. Right now I feel a little sick to my stomach. I thought it would pass after a couple hours, but I'm still flip-flopping like crazy. It's a little hard to breathe. My mental state is uncertain and indecisive. And I feel like I might cry. On top of that I have no idea whatsoever what to do with myself, and I need to think of something that'll keep me from just laying down in bed, putting on an X cd, and staring at the ceiling for hours. So you may be wondering ... what's causing all this?
It was a dream. That's all. But it was one so real and vivid that after waking up I had to convince myself it wasn't true. The dream showed me something I wanted, and then I had to talk myself out of it. At least it wasn't the usual thing for once, not that that's a big consolation or anything. It was me and Jen. We were together and very happy. And she was pregnant. And in the dream we were busy planning what we were going to do next with our little family. Now there are things in our real relationship that I haven't delved into for the blog here, but let me just say that last night's dream was perhaps the most unfair dream I've ever had. At least with the Miranda dreams I've kind of earned what I get. This one just wasn't fair.
But I do think I know why it was sent to me ... some kind of karmic payback. Let's leave it at that.
I feel like lighting something on fire.
It was a dream. That's all. But it was one so real and vivid that after waking up I had to convince myself it wasn't true. The dream showed me something I wanted, and then I had to talk myself out of it. At least it wasn't the usual thing for once, not that that's a big consolation or anything. It was me and Jen. We were together and very happy. And she was pregnant. And in the dream we were busy planning what we were going to do next with our little family. Now there are things in our real relationship that I haven't delved into for the blog here, but let me just say that last night's dream was perhaps the most unfair dream I've ever had. At least with the Miranda dreams I've kind of earned what I get. This one just wasn't fair.
But I do think I know why it was sent to me ... some kind of karmic payback. Let's leave it at that.
I feel like lighting something on fire.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
No Fear
There's so much to cover from the past two days that I barely know where to begin. But before I get into the continuing coverage of the job type thing, Calliope insists that I have to talk about something else, if for no other reason than to clear my mind. Here we go.
I don't know where this thing with Jen is headed. The last few days with her have been great, don't get me wrong, but our relationship is so unusual from what I've been accustomed to that I fall into awkward and uncomfortable mode fairly easily. There are reasons for why things are unusual. She's been hurt in almost unbelievable ways by people she trusted, and that's a hard hurdle for me to overcome, although I am trying my best.
But we are at the point where this relationship could get very difficult. She's about to start at Rugers on second shift, and I'm due to start there a week later on first shift. I may never see her. We both know this -- we both knew it when we got into this a few weeks back -- and neither of us really has any idea how to navigate through this circumstance yet. I've overcome this before. I've worked opposite shifts from my significant other before, but we were already established by then. Jen and I are still in the early going, and despite the fact that I know she likes me a lot (even more than she wants me to know), I can still feel just how fragile this relationship is.
I will not surrender. I told her the night we jumped into this that I would not back out, and I won't give up. I won't. No matter how difficult this gets, I won't. I'll go down in a flaming blaze of glory if I have to, but I will not give up just because things are tough. I've done too much of that in my life already.
Even with this hanging over my head, the other day I had the weirdest feeling. It was so strange for me to feel it that it took me a minute to identify what it was. I feel free. I feel like I can do anything. Like the world is mine and the sky is the limit. I can't remember the last time I felt that way. Some fear has always dominated me and kept me from realizing my potential. Fear of disappointment, of getting hurt, of failure, of change ... the list goes on and on. My whole life has been run on fear. My whole life. Shannon and Milta helped free me from some of that, and I've had the guiding influence of Gunievere keeping me from giving in for years now, but I've always still had some fear guiding me and keeping me from doing what I'm here on earth to do.
I don't want to live that way anymore.
This relationship with Jennifer may not work out. It may go down in flames tomorrow. It might be an epic tragedy for the ages. We might end up hating each other by the end. However it comes out, though, I will never forget how she helped me get to where I am right now. She changed my life. She woke me up. She helped me get over my fear of living. I'll always thank her for that.
My destiny is ahead of me. I will have it.
I don't know where this thing with Jen is headed. The last few days with her have been great, don't get me wrong, but our relationship is so unusual from what I've been accustomed to that I fall into awkward and uncomfortable mode fairly easily. There are reasons for why things are unusual. She's been hurt in almost unbelievable ways by people she trusted, and that's a hard hurdle for me to overcome, although I am trying my best.
But we are at the point where this relationship could get very difficult. She's about to start at Rugers on second shift, and I'm due to start there a week later on first shift. I may never see her. We both know this -- we both knew it when we got into this a few weeks back -- and neither of us really has any idea how to navigate through this circumstance yet. I've overcome this before. I've worked opposite shifts from my significant other before, but we were already established by then. Jen and I are still in the early going, and despite the fact that I know she likes me a lot (even more than she wants me to know), I can still feel just how fragile this relationship is.
I will not surrender. I told her the night we jumped into this that I would not back out, and I won't give up. I won't. No matter how difficult this gets, I won't. I'll go down in a flaming blaze of glory if I have to, but I will not give up just because things are tough. I've done too much of that in my life already.
Even with this hanging over my head, the other day I had the weirdest feeling. It was so strange for me to feel it that it took me a minute to identify what it was. I feel free. I feel like I can do anything. Like the world is mine and the sky is the limit. I can't remember the last time I felt that way. Some fear has always dominated me and kept me from realizing my potential. Fear of disappointment, of getting hurt, of failure, of change ... the list goes on and on. My whole life has been run on fear. My whole life. Shannon and Milta helped free me from some of that, and I've had the guiding influence of Gunievere keeping me from giving in for years now, but I've always still had some fear guiding me and keeping me from doing what I'm here on earth to do.
I don't want to live that way anymore.
This relationship with Jennifer may not work out. It may go down in flames tomorrow. It might be an epic tragedy for the ages. We might end up hating each other by the end. However it comes out, though, I will never forget how she helped me get to where I am right now. She changed my life. She woke me up. She helped me get over my fear of living. I'll always thank her for that.
My destiny is ahead of me. I will have it.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Fucking Hostile
The bastards fired Jen. She was within her two weeks notice anyway, but still. COME ON. What did they cite for a reason? She was creating a "hostile work environment" she said they said. Considering what Sue said to her yesterday, not to mention to me, that's pretty rich. Pretty rich indeed. If there is indeed a hostile work environment in that building it's that department, and the architect of that is Sue. Of course, I fully believe that Sue is the architect of what happened today, too. There is no doubt in my mind.
Stacy and I were out back cleaning our stuff when they came for Jen. I missed it. When I came back out she'd disappeared off the face of the earth. Even Skip asked me if I knew where she was, and I had no idea. By that time it was probably done. When I was leaving I noticed her swipe card was still there next to mine, but then her car was gone. It never crossed my mind, not once, that she'd been fired. Not once.
Sue avoided me all day. I had a brief meeting with Bob concerning the two-weeks notice I'd left the previous afternoon. But Sue and I probably didn't speak more than ten words all day. I was still disgusted with her from the day before. She obviously knew what was coming later. She even left early to avoid it. Tomorrow she wants to give me a very wide berth. If she acts smug about this, or makes one snide remark to me about Jen, I will go for her throat and rip it out with my teeth.
Jen told me she was thinking of that when they were laying it down on her: "If they think it's hostile now, just wait until Shaun finds out about this."
She's right.
So naturally, because she'd disappeared off the earth, I was curious. I called her. "They fired me."
"They WHAT?" Oh yeah, I was pissed. She told me how it went down. It bothered me so much that I was shaking with anger. It's so backwards. It's wrong.
I met my dad for golf soon after, and he knew something was up. Usually whatever I'm feeling is right there on the surface. "I'm probably not going to play my best today, but I'm sure as hell going to work out some hostility." I didn't play my best golf, but I did smack the fuck out of a few golf balls. I can't say that made me feel all so much better, however.
My dad asked if I wanted to see if Jen wanted to come along to eat, and I thought about it, and decided to wait for next time. You know, all things considered and stuff. During dinner I did spill about what was pissing me off, and we had a whole conversation about jobs and the like. He asked if Jen was upset about it, so I said that I think I was more pissed off about this than she was. After I said that I'd see if she wanted to come along sometime in the future, and he said he'd bring mom along, too. "And don't say things to get her scared of your mom."
"Ummmmmm ok. I won't." My mom is awesome and a very nice lady, but sometimes she can be intimidating, and Jen has already heard some of the stories about how mom hated my ex-wife, so ... yeah. Shannon was a little afraid of her, too. And Jude. On the other hand, I've also made a special point to stress how nice she is, too. And in all fairness, my mom has come around on a few things herself. She just wants me to be happy.
I called Jen back when I got here and she said she'd be happy to go the next time. And of course we talked much more about today's developments, too. She copped to the fact that she broke down and cried after getting off the phone with me the first time, and that just ripped me up. A girl I like upset and in tears is my one true weakness for which I have no defense. And it just made me all the more furious.
They took away my buddy.
They fired my girlfriend.
They made her cry.
I have to go there six more times and now I'm alone.
They made her cry.
This isn't over.
Stacy and I were out back cleaning our stuff when they came for Jen. I missed it. When I came back out she'd disappeared off the face of the earth. Even Skip asked me if I knew where she was, and I had no idea. By that time it was probably done. When I was leaving I noticed her swipe card was still there next to mine, but then her car was gone. It never crossed my mind, not once, that she'd been fired. Not once.
Sue avoided me all day. I had a brief meeting with Bob concerning the two-weeks notice I'd left the previous afternoon. But Sue and I probably didn't speak more than ten words all day. I was still disgusted with her from the day before. She obviously knew what was coming later. She even left early to avoid it. Tomorrow she wants to give me a very wide berth. If she acts smug about this, or makes one snide remark to me about Jen, I will go for her throat and rip it out with my teeth.
Jen told me she was thinking of that when they were laying it down on her: "If they think it's hostile now, just wait until Shaun finds out about this."
She's right.
So naturally, because she'd disappeared off the earth, I was curious. I called her. "They fired me."
"They WHAT?" Oh yeah, I was pissed. She told me how it went down. It bothered me so much that I was shaking with anger. It's so backwards. It's wrong.
I met my dad for golf soon after, and he knew something was up. Usually whatever I'm feeling is right there on the surface. "I'm probably not going to play my best today, but I'm sure as hell going to work out some hostility." I didn't play my best golf, but I did smack the fuck out of a few golf balls. I can't say that made me feel all so much better, however.
My dad asked if I wanted to see if Jen wanted to come along to eat, and I thought about it, and decided to wait for next time. You know, all things considered and stuff. During dinner I did spill about what was pissing me off, and we had a whole conversation about jobs and the like. He asked if Jen was upset about it, so I said that I think I was more pissed off about this than she was. After I said that I'd see if she wanted to come along sometime in the future, and he said he'd bring mom along, too. "And don't say things to get her scared of your mom."
"Ummmmmm ok. I won't." My mom is awesome and a very nice lady, but sometimes she can be intimidating, and Jen has already heard some of the stories about how mom hated my ex-wife, so ... yeah. Shannon was a little afraid of her, too. And Jude. On the other hand, I've also made a special point to stress how nice she is, too. And in all fairness, my mom has come around on a few things herself. She just wants me to be happy.
I called Jen back when I got here and she said she'd be happy to go the next time. And of course we talked much more about today's developments, too. She copped to the fact that she broke down and cried after getting off the phone with me the first time, and that just ripped me up. A girl I like upset and in tears is my one true weakness for which I have no defense. And it just made me all the more furious.
They took away my buddy.
They fired my girlfriend.
They made her cry.
I have to go there six more times and now I'm alone.
They made her cry.
This isn't over.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
No Wire Hangers
Today moved right into the surreal. Sue came right at me today with both barrels. Twice. The first time I kind of blew her off; the second time I was stunned, flabbergasted, and really pissed. I'll tell you the story.
I came to work with my two-weeks notice all written out and safe in my back pocket. Jen saw it. And down at the lockers I also showed it to Starr, just because I thought it was fair for her to know I was seriously getting out. Bob wasn't at his desk on my way down to the floor, which put a crimp in my plans. But I figured I'd catch him later on. Turns out he wasn't in today at all.
Shortly before 9:00 break Sue tackled me the first time. Not only did she know I was giving my notice, but she knew that I could start at the new place on the 25th, and she was all accusatory about it. I said that since I hadn't talked to Bob yet, I officially had no comment. She said that gossip was halfway all over the shop already. So who sold it out? Jen or Starr? It wasn't Jen. Sue clearly implied that it was Jen without coming out and saying so, but I know it wasn't. I'm not saying I care that Starr sold it out, mind you, but I knew what I was doing when I let her know about it. Meanwhile, Sue is trying to play Divide and Conquer with me and Jennifer.
It got worse.
The second time was just before lunch. Sue just pole-axed me. I'll try to quote her as accurately as I can:
"I don't know why you're ok with HER going around talking about your business all over the shop. It isn't right. I think you know that. IT ISN'T RIGHT."
There was more along those lines, which I can't quite remember correctly, but that's the general idea. Keep in mind, this is my *lead person* saying this to me.
It actually started like this:
Sue: "I'll tell you the same thing I told Jen. I know you tell her EVERYTHING."
Me: "Not yet."
Sue: "You don't know what I'm going to say yet."
Me: "Doesn't matter."
I'm hip to what she's trying to do, see. She's had some problem with Jen for a time now. She has a HUGE problem with Jen and I together. In Sue's eyes, all this is Jennifer's fault. I was a mousy little pushover who would have stayed there forever screening like a little monkey ... until that evil bitch came along and corrupted me and is taking me away. She believes this. She believes that Jen built the current version of me like an erector set. What she doesn't understand is Jen just brought the real me back out, and if I wasn't REALLY like this underneath I sure the fuck couldn't fake it.
She finished with this: "I've already gone and given Autumn a head's up about the two-weeks notice."
Autumn would be the 2nd in command on the floor, after Bob. Now let's look at that statement. This is a woman who just got in my face about my girlfriend going around talking about my business ... while going around to Autumn and telling my business. I hadn't gotten a chance to stop at Autumn's desk yet, and fuck it, apparently I don't even need to because I have Sue to do it for me. Jesus Christ.
Now if Sue wants to come at me and be all, "You're an asshole for leaving," that's fine. But don't come at me and talk shit about my girlfriend. Not only does that assault my sense of professionalism as a former team leader myself, but that's a line she doesn't want to cross with me ever.
So, to quote a hero of mine: Of course you know, this means war.
If I hadn't been completely flabbergasted and speechless at the gall it takes for her to say something like that to me I would have ripped into her like she's never seen before. As it was, I was wired for sound. I went into the backroom and Jen and June were in there. I could see in Jen's eyes that she was livid already, and I assumed she'd gotten the flipside of what I'd just gotten. I almost exploded while talking to June, due to the unpleasant undertones of how Sue attacked me.
"She isn't my mother, right? I mean, I have a mother already and she isn't it. I have a perfectly good mother at home. SHE IS NOT MY FUCKING MOTHER."
My mom did a pretty good job with me, I think. I'm not in the need for another mother to come around and choose my fucking girlfriends for me. And Sue does NOT want my mom to show up there and straighten her out. I'll tell you that right now.
I finally got a chance to hand my little piece of paper to Autumn at the end of the day on my way out. Sue was within eye-range as I did so. There should be a nice shitstorm tomorrow. She has no idea.
Near the end of the day I worked with Stacy again. She'd been in her own department for most of the day and missed all the excitement. She's been kind of an ally of Jen and mine lately, because we're the cool kids pretty much. We got to talking about why I was so wound up and angry.
Me: "Sue came by and started talking shit to me about Jen."
Stacy: "SHE DID NOT!"
Me: "She totally did."
But she couldn't get it out of Jen what Sue had said to her that got her in a tizzy.
I hooked up with Jen after work. We ended up at a picnic table talking about this, that, and the other ... and especially about work.
This is what Sue had said to her. Exact quote: "That's been my problem with you since the beginning. You can't keep your comments to yourself. In the future I suggest you keep your *fucking* comments to yourself!"
Holy jumping shit. That's my super-professional team leader who said that. I asked if the word 'fucking' was really in there. It was. Then I told her what had been said to me and she was *furious*. She wants blood. I'm down for that. We spent a good while trying to come up with something that would really really get under her skin, but we couldn't decide on anything ... even though we had some nuggets of true viciousness. Even so, we're both pretty quick on our feet and good at improvising out of what the other is doing.
That's how it is with the best partners-in-crime.
I came to work with my two-weeks notice all written out and safe in my back pocket. Jen saw it. And down at the lockers I also showed it to Starr, just because I thought it was fair for her to know I was seriously getting out. Bob wasn't at his desk on my way down to the floor, which put a crimp in my plans. But I figured I'd catch him later on. Turns out he wasn't in today at all.
Shortly before 9:00 break Sue tackled me the first time. Not only did she know I was giving my notice, but she knew that I could start at the new place on the 25th, and she was all accusatory about it. I said that since I hadn't talked to Bob yet, I officially had no comment. She said that gossip was halfway all over the shop already. So who sold it out? Jen or Starr? It wasn't Jen. Sue clearly implied that it was Jen without coming out and saying so, but I know it wasn't. I'm not saying I care that Starr sold it out, mind you, but I knew what I was doing when I let her know about it. Meanwhile, Sue is trying to play Divide and Conquer with me and Jennifer.
It got worse.
The second time was just before lunch. Sue just pole-axed me. I'll try to quote her as accurately as I can:
"I don't know why you're ok with HER going around talking about your business all over the shop. It isn't right. I think you know that. IT ISN'T RIGHT."
There was more along those lines, which I can't quite remember correctly, but that's the general idea. Keep in mind, this is my *lead person* saying this to me.
It actually started like this:
Sue: "I'll tell you the same thing I told Jen. I know you tell her EVERYTHING."
Me: "Not yet."
Sue: "You don't know what I'm going to say yet."
Me: "Doesn't matter."
I'm hip to what she's trying to do, see. She's had some problem with Jen for a time now. She has a HUGE problem with Jen and I together. In Sue's eyes, all this is Jennifer's fault. I was a mousy little pushover who would have stayed there forever screening like a little monkey ... until that evil bitch came along and corrupted me and is taking me away. She believes this. She believes that Jen built the current version of me like an erector set. What she doesn't understand is Jen just brought the real me back out, and if I wasn't REALLY like this underneath I sure the fuck couldn't fake it.
She finished with this: "I've already gone and given Autumn a head's up about the two-weeks notice."
Autumn would be the 2nd in command on the floor, after Bob. Now let's look at that statement. This is a woman who just got in my face about my girlfriend going around talking about my business ... while going around to Autumn and telling my business. I hadn't gotten a chance to stop at Autumn's desk yet, and fuck it, apparently I don't even need to because I have Sue to do it for me. Jesus Christ.
Now if Sue wants to come at me and be all, "You're an asshole for leaving," that's fine. But don't come at me and talk shit about my girlfriend. Not only does that assault my sense of professionalism as a former team leader myself, but that's a line she doesn't want to cross with me ever.
So, to quote a hero of mine: Of course you know, this means war.
If I hadn't been completely flabbergasted and speechless at the gall it takes for her to say something like that to me I would have ripped into her like she's never seen before. As it was, I was wired for sound. I went into the backroom and Jen and June were in there. I could see in Jen's eyes that she was livid already, and I assumed she'd gotten the flipside of what I'd just gotten. I almost exploded while talking to June, due to the unpleasant undertones of how Sue attacked me.
"She isn't my mother, right? I mean, I have a mother already and she isn't it. I have a perfectly good mother at home. SHE IS NOT MY FUCKING MOTHER."
My mom did a pretty good job with me, I think. I'm not in the need for another mother to come around and choose my fucking girlfriends for me. And Sue does NOT want my mom to show up there and straighten her out. I'll tell you that right now.
I finally got a chance to hand my little piece of paper to Autumn at the end of the day on my way out. Sue was within eye-range as I did so. There should be a nice shitstorm tomorrow. She has no idea.
Near the end of the day I worked with Stacy again. She'd been in her own department for most of the day and missed all the excitement. She's been kind of an ally of Jen and mine lately, because we're the cool kids pretty much. We got to talking about why I was so wound up and angry.
Me: "Sue came by and started talking shit to me about Jen."
Stacy: "SHE DID NOT!"
Me: "She totally did."
But she couldn't get it out of Jen what Sue had said to her that got her in a tizzy.
I hooked up with Jen after work. We ended up at a picnic table talking about this, that, and the other ... and especially about work.
This is what Sue had said to her. Exact quote: "That's been my problem with you since the beginning. You can't keep your comments to yourself. In the future I suggest you keep your *fucking* comments to yourself!"
Holy jumping shit. That's my super-professional team leader who said that. I asked if the word 'fucking' was really in there. It was. Then I told her what had been said to me and she was *furious*. She wants blood. I'm down for that. We spent a good while trying to come up with something that would really really get under her skin, but we couldn't decide on anything ... even though we had some nuggets of true viciousness. Even so, we're both pretty quick on our feet and good at improvising out of what the other is doing.
That's how it is with the best partners-in-crime.
Monday, June 11, 2007
The End is Extremely Fucking Nigh
This morning started out with a bang. I went in at 7:00, as I've pretty much eschewed going in there for 6 AM given the hostile climate and such. And as Starr, Jen, and I gathered around Liberty 3, Sue came by and got all malignant.
"I just want you to know that I've already e-mailed Bucky and Bob and want a meeting with them, because there are some things going on around here I'm not happy about, and if I don't get some satisfaction I'm going to hand in my resignation."
That would be Bucky the plant operations manager. And Bob we've already discussed.
I know you're already ahead of me here, but let me translate that into regular language: "If I don't get my way, I QUIT!"
And Jennifer doesn't quite believe this, but I'm certain about it. That childish little rant there was all about me and what went down Friday. I've now become Public Enemy #1, surpassing Jen. Nice try, Jen, but I really know how to hurt her where it counts. Oh, and I did. I totally kicked her little red wagon right over.
I'm not sure if I was supposed to be intimidated by that little rant, but I wasn't. No, not at all. I've been threatened and intimidated by the best (referencing Massachusetts again), and you'll have to try harder to get to me. Meet the real me now; I'm not afraid of you anymore.
So today was a little uncomfortable all around. By the end of it, as far as I could tell, Sue had not gotten her way (whatever that entails), nor had she quit. I'm of the belief that if Sue does actually resign, half the production floor should throw Jen and I a party and celebrate. There should at least be a toast.
Jen took a gamble on her physical, coming up later this week, and put down her two week's notice. I wasn't quite ready to go that far. Yet.
I went in to see Skip about something and he shook my hand. "It's about time somebody gave that bitch some of her own shit back and threw it in her face." This is of course a reference to the two times I shot on Sue during Friday afternoon, which of course she went and whined about later on. He was proud of me.
Things are coming to a head. Sue is digging her claws into Starr, trying to get her to stay on after I bail out, but I think it's a lost cause. Today Sue counter-attacked on me, in her own way, through hostility and attempts to devalue my contributions to the production floor. Now in the past this sort of thing would get to me, but I am strong and confident, and I know what I bring to the table, so her transparent attempts to screw with me were for naught.
Even so, I'm not sure how long I can last there.
But wait! There's more.
When I got home I called Rugers to inquire about the results of my drug screening. The nice lady on the other end let me know that I'd passed that. All that remains is the physical, which she pencilled me in for next Wednesday. So I went through in my head and marked off two weeks from then, trying to triangulate the exact last day of my current employment. Then she said something that changed the whole paradigm.
"We're trying to push you through so you can start on the 25th."
That's two weeks from *today*.
I said yes. I'm doing it. I'm making the jump. It's just a physical, after all. There's nothing wrong with me, and no reason I won't pass it. This is a leap of faith I'm taking into the unknown, but only a small one. And I am a brave motherfucker, and you know it, baby. Besides, when a company that's been this eager to get me on the inside makes me an offer I can't afford to refuse ... that's pretty much destiny knocking on my door as far as I'm concerned.
I'm going to write out my notice tonight.
Despite how I'd planned to handle the other continuing saga in my life right now, the first person I called was Jennifer. I was bursting with it. I couldn't help myself. She was excited, too, and we had a really good conversation about this, that, and the other. I was strong and confident and powerful. I don't always feel like that, so I couldn't pass it up.
Then I called my mom. It's always nice to talk to my mom when I have good news.
I'm out, baby. I'M OUT.
"I just want you to know that I've already e-mailed Bucky and Bob and want a meeting with them, because there are some things going on around here I'm not happy about, and if I don't get some satisfaction I'm going to hand in my resignation."
That would be Bucky the plant operations manager. And Bob we've already discussed.
I know you're already ahead of me here, but let me translate that into regular language: "If I don't get my way, I QUIT!"
And Jennifer doesn't quite believe this, but I'm certain about it. That childish little rant there was all about me and what went down Friday. I've now become Public Enemy #1, surpassing Jen. Nice try, Jen, but I really know how to hurt her where it counts. Oh, and I did. I totally kicked her little red wagon right over.
I'm not sure if I was supposed to be intimidated by that little rant, but I wasn't. No, not at all. I've been threatened and intimidated by the best (referencing Massachusetts again), and you'll have to try harder to get to me. Meet the real me now; I'm not afraid of you anymore.
So today was a little uncomfortable all around. By the end of it, as far as I could tell, Sue had not gotten her way (whatever that entails), nor had she quit. I'm of the belief that if Sue does actually resign, half the production floor should throw Jen and I a party and celebrate. There should at least be a toast.
Jen took a gamble on her physical, coming up later this week, and put down her two week's notice. I wasn't quite ready to go that far. Yet.
I went in to see Skip about something and he shook my hand. "It's about time somebody gave that bitch some of her own shit back and threw it in her face." This is of course a reference to the two times I shot on Sue during Friday afternoon, which of course she went and whined about later on. He was proud of me.
Things are coming to a head. Sue is digging her claws into Starr, trying to get her to stay on after I bail out, but I think it's a lost cause. Today Sue counter-attacked on me, in her own way, through hostility and attempts to devalue my contributions to the production floor. Now in the past this sort of thing would get to me, but I am strong and confident, and I know what I bring to the table, so her transparent attempts to screw with me were for naught.
Even so, I'm not sure how long I can last there.
But wait! There's more.
When I got home I called Rugers to inquire about the results of my drug screening. The nice lady on the other end let me know that I'd passed that. All that remains is the physical, which she pencilled me in for next Wednesday. So I went through in my head and marked off two weeks from then, trying to triangulate the exact last day of my current employment. Then she said something that changed the whole paradigm.
"We're trying to push you through so you can start on the 25th."
That's two weeks from *today*.
I said yes. I'm doing it. I'm making the jump. It's just a physical, after all. There's nothing wrong with me, and no reason I won't pass it. This is a leap of faith I'm taking into the unknown, but only a small one. And I am a brave motherfucker, and you know it, baby. Besides, when a company that's been this eager to get me on the inside makes me an offer I can't afford to refuse ... that's pretty much destiny knocking on my door as far as I'm concerned.
I'm going to write out my notice tonight.
Despite how I'd planned to handle the other continuing saga in my life right now, the first person I called was Jennifer. I was bursting with it. I couldn't help myself. She was excited, too, and we had a really good conversation about this, that, and the other. I was strong and confident and powerful. I don't always feel like that, so I couldn't pass it up.
Then I called my mom. It's always nice to talk to my mom when I have good news.
I'm out, baby. I'M OUT.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
And Now For Something Completely Different
Sometimes I get tired of listening to myself talk about all that stuff, so I can imagine how it is for y'all in Readersville sometimes. And since I kind of miss the sort of thing I'd normally do over at the Batcave, I figured I'd break up the continuing saga with something different, just because I need a change.
Anyway, I saw a commercial on VH-1 the other day regarding some contest for XM satellite radio where you submit a personal playlist of ten classic rock songs and the winning entry gets some subscription or somesuch. I don't really need satellite radio, and I don't really think I'm hip enough with my playlist to be chosen, but I came up with one just the same.
I tried to shy away from the more obvious things, but at the same time I didn't push the envelope of 'classic rock' nearly as much as I could have, or like the winning entry probably will. Everything on my list here is safely within the confines of typical classic rock ... more or less. So here it is.
1. "Somebody to Love" -- Jefferson Airplane
2. "Lola" -- The Kinks
3. "Black Dog" -- Led Zeppelin
4. "Fortunate Son" -- Creedence Clearwater Revival
5. "Don't Fear the Reaper" -- Blue Oyster Cult
6. "Beth" -- KISS
7. "Barracuda" -- Heart
8. "Working Class Hero" -- John Lennon
9. "American Woman" -- The Guess Who
10. "In the City" -- The Eagles
I'm not saying it's the greatest list ever, but I think it's pretty darn good.
What would I do with satellite radio anyway?
Anyway, I saw a commercial on VH-1 the other day regarding some contest for XM satellite radio where you submit a personal playlist of ten classic rock songs and the winning entry gets some subscription or somesuch. I don't really need satellite radio, and I don't really think I'm hip enough with my playlist to be chosen, but I came up with one just the same.
I tried to shy away from the more obvious things, but at the same time I didn't push the envelope of 'classic rock' nearly as much as I could have, or like the winning entry probably will. Everything on my list here is safely within the confines of typical classic rock ... more or less. So here it is.
1. "Somebody to Love" -- Jefferson Airplane
2. "Lola" -- The Kinks
3. "Black Dog" -- Led Zeppelin
4. "Fortunate Son" -- Creedence Clearwater Revival
5. "Don't Fear the Reaper" -- Blue Oyster Cult
6. "Beth" -- KISS
7. "Barracuda" -- Heart
8. "Working Class Hero" -- John Lennon
9. "American Woman" -- The Guess Who
10. "In the City" -- The Eagles
I'm not saying it's the greatest list ever, but I think it's pretty darn good.
What would I do with satellite radio anyway?
Damnation's Flame
Let's take a look at the ugly side of me for a bit, all right? This blog was never meant to be puppy dogs and kittens, but I've shied away from this for a couple days and I should just deal with it and be done. So I'm going to do that.
So of course Friday night's plans were scrapped, which was disappointing enough. It's one thing to have a girlfriend; it's another thing to barely get any time in with her. I kind of have a theory that goes along with this, but I'll save that for further down. But yeah, the plans she and I cooked up on Wednesday for Friday got scrubbed ... because she forgot she'd already made tentative plans to meet up with an old friend of hers. There's more to that, and don't worry, I'll get to it. I hadn't forgotten she mentioned those plans to me earlier, even when we were making our plans, but I didn't bring them up thinking that either a) she wasn't going through with them, or b) she forgot and would continue to forget.
But she remembered. These plans were to meet up with someone she used to be involved with, and in fact was *the one* who came before me, although some time had passed since they'd been involved (I'm not sure that's even the right word, but it's the best I have) or even seen each other. And even though she assured me with all the assurance she could muster that I had nothing to worry about, he's hitting kind of a sore spot on me. I trust her, that isn't the problem. For whatever reason he brings out the Green Eyed Monster in me that's only popped its ugly head out a few times before. Usually I don't have a real problem with jealousy and such, but a nerve was hit that kind of reminds me of the thing I had with Donald back when Jude and I got together. I can't remember the Monster ever being as bad as it was during those months in Turners Falls, and thankfully it isn't as bad as that right now.
Still a sore spot, however, and she knows it. But I'm not going to be a dick about it or the kind of guy who's going to make an issue out of anytime she wants to hang out with another guy. I refuse to be that kind of person under any circumstances. And to tell the truth, I think it's really just this one guy anyway. I just don't like him. I just don't. Can't help it. Don't care.
So I was just going to ignore it during the rest of work Friday and go on about filling my free time with something else ... until she poked me in my Frustrated Spot. She swears she didn't intend to do that, and maybe not, but this is the sort of thing she always does to me. "It's going to be a really long night." That was ostensibly said to herself, but out loud, while she was in the back of the press while I was helping her. It's at this point she says I got 'a little weird'.
"Yeah. Don't rub it in," I said. Later on, she tried to deny knowing how she'd supposedly poked me, but then was able to come up with the exact thing she said, which is what she does sometimes: tries to play stupid even though she knows exactly what's going on. And I always call her on it. She's been doing it since March. This exact thing led to a spirited debate on the subject with Stacy playing referee/instigator in the backroom (after I returned from my meeting with Bob), which didn't get hostile or anything, but I was obviously pretty frustrated.
On the way out the door, because she also wanted to know the details about my private meeting, she wanted me to call her. "When." Tonight. Sometime tonight. "Give me a time." Sometime tonight. "I'm not the busy one. Tell me when." Then she decided she'd call me.
Of course, I had no idea when that call was going to come, *IF* she even remembered to call or had the time. So I ended up sitting around here for a while in case she called, which makes me more than a little pathetic (I know, I know!), until I decided not to wait around anymore and went into town. But first I left a message on her voice mail that .... I suppose it could have been taken for snippy, but that wasn't how I meant it. My bad.
I didn't stay in town all that long, and when I returned she'd left me a message. So I called her back, and she got me with a kind of "What do you want?" kind of thing, which took any air out of my sails, which resulted in something of an awkward and slightly ugly conversation. Then she went and cancelled her plans and called me back. That wasn't what I wanted, so then I tried to convince her to pick her plans back up, but she wouldn't because it was bothering me. I suppose in all of this that's kind of a good sign, but whatever. We ended up talking for another two hours, not just about that, and it all seemed to go well ... although I felt like a complete asshole.
Yeah, I did. Enough so that I decided on my own that I wasn't going to call her Saturday, just so she could do whatever she wanted without having to put up with me. Maybe I needed a breather myself, too. I wasn't expecting to hear from her at all, so when she called me Saturday night it was a nice surprise. It turns out that she'd called him back after we got off the phone (which I knew she was going to do), and they'd met somewhere in the middle of where they'd planned to meet and hung out for a bit, which made me feel like a lot less of an asshole.
She said she called to find out if I was in a better mood, which I was, and we talked for about an hour or so. We left things as reasonably fine as far as I could tell.
She called me again today, too. I wasn't going to call. I'm giving my approach to this some thought.
It seems to me that this all was going a little better when I was being more stand-offish, when she had to pursue me. Maybe instead of throwing myself against the rocks I'm going to back off a little bit and see what happens.
I'll let you know how that comes out.
So of course Friday night's plans were scrapped, which was disappointing enough. It's one thing to have a girlfriend; it's another thing to barely get any time in with her. I kind of have a theory that goes along with this, but I'll save that for further down. But yeah, the plans she and I cooked up on Wednesday for Friday got scrubbed ... because she forgot she'd already made tentative plans to meet up with an old friend of hers. There's more to that, and don't worry, I'll get to it. I hadn't forgotten she mentioned those plans to me earlier, even when we were making our plans, but I didn't bring them up thinking that either a) she wasn't going through with them, or b) she forgot and would continue to forget.
But she remembered. These plans were to meet up with someone she used to be involved with, and in fact was *the one* who came before me, although some time had passed since they'd been involved (I'm not sure that's even the right word, but it's the best I have) or even seen each other. And even though she assured me with all the assurance she could muster that I had nothing to worry about, he's hitting kind of a sore spot on me. I trust her, that isn't the problem. For whatever reason he brings out the Green Eyed Monster in me that's only popped its ugly head out a few times before. Usually I don't have a real problem with jealousy and such, but a nerve was hit that kind of reminds me of the thing I had with Donald back when Jude and I got together. I can't remember the Monster ever being as bad as it was during those months in Turners Falls, and thankfully it isn't as bad as that right now.
Still a sore spot, however, and she knows it. But I'm not going to be a dick about it or the kind of guy who's going to make an issue out of anytime she wants to hang out with another guy. I refuse to be that kind of person under any circumstances. And to tell the truth, I think it's really just this one guy anyway. I just don't like him. I just don't. Can't help it. Don't care.
So I was just going to ignore it during the rest of work Friday and go on about filling my free time with something else ... until she poked me in my Frustrated Spot. She swears she didn't intend to do that, and maybe not, but this is the sort of thing she always does to me. "It's going to be a really long night." That was ostensibly said to herself, but out loud, while she was in the back of the press while I was helping her. It's at this point she says I got 'a little weird'.
"Yeah. Don't rub it in," I said. Later on, she tried to deny knowing how she'd supposedly poked me, but then was able to come up with the exact thing she said, which is what she does sometimes: tries to play stupid even though she knows exactly what's going on. And I always call her on it. She's been doing it since March. This exact thing led to a spirited debate on the subject with Stacy playing referee/instigator in the backroom (after I returned from my meeting with Bob), which didn't get hostile or anything, but I was obviously pretty frustrated.
On the way out the door, because she also wanted to know the details about my private meeting, she wanted me to call her. "When." Tonight. Sometime tonight. "Give me a time." Sometime tonight. "I'm not the busy one. Tell me when." Then she decided she'd call me.
Of course, I had no idea when that call was going to come, *IF* she even remembered to call or had the time. So I ended up sitting around here for a while in case she called, which makes me more than a little pathetic (I know, I know!), until I decided not to wait around anymore and went into town. But first I left a message on her voice mail that .... I suppose it could have been taken for snippy, but that wasn't how I meant it. My bad.
I didn't stay in town all that long, and when I returned she'd left me a message. So I called her back, and she got me with a kind of "What do you want?" kind of thing, which took any air out of my sails, which resulted in something of an awkward and slightly ugly conversation. Then she went and cancelled her plans and called me back. That wasn't what I wanted, so then I tried to convince her to pick her plans back up, but she wouldn't because it was bothering me. I suppose in all of this that's kind of a good sign, but whatever. We ended up talking for another two hours, not just about that, and it all seemed to go well ... although I felt like a complete asshole.
Yeah, I did. Enough so that I decided on my own that I wasn't going to call her Saturday, just so she could do whatever she wanted without having to put up with me. Maybe I needed a breather myself, too. I wasn't expecting to hear from her at all, so when she called me Saturday night it was a nice surprise. It turns out that she'd called him back after we got off the phone (which I knew she was going to do), and they'd met somewhere in the middle of where they'd planned to meet and hung out for a bit, which made me feel like a lot less of an asshole.
She said she called to find out if I was in a better mood, which I was, and we talked for about an hour or so. We left things as reasonably fine as far as I could tell.
She called me again today, too. I wasn't going to call. I'm giving my approach to this some thought.
It seems to me that this all was going a little better when I was being more stand-offish, when she had to pursue me. Maybe instead of throwing myself against the rocks I'm going to back off a little bit and see what happens.
I'll let you know how that comes out.
Saturday, June 09, 2007
The Teachings of Shan Yu
You can know someone all your life, work with the person, live with the person, eat with them, share stories, have children with them, laugh and cry, share your deepest secrets and disappointments, but even through all that you may not meet the real person. But then if you take that person, restrain them, and hold them over an active volcano, only then will you meet the true person inside. Such are the teachings of Shan Yu.
I thought of breaking this one into a couple different posts, but I think it'll work as one piece. Maybe, maybe not. We shall find out.
The screening department could not be in greater disarray. Jennifer and I were out Thursday. Starr was out Friday. It's chaos--complete and total chaos. Sue is becoming more and more desperate as the situation continues to unravel. The hold she used to have over me slips further and further from her grasp. As much as she used to scare and intimidate me, now I hold her in barely concealed contempt. Where she used to be able to push me around at will, now that train has completely jumped it's tracks, and while I still work hard and maintain my professionalism, the wheels have completely come off the bus as far as her pushing me around.
I've found my Angry Place, thanks to Jennifer, and I'm stoking the fires of it to keep me focused. I let Sue turn me into such a wimpified bitch that I'm embarassed by it. I let her bully me right into a near nervous breakdown, for fuck's sake. I let her push me into near anxiety attacks on Sunday nights because the thought of going to work was so stressful. I lost myself into that stress and became someone else, and I'm not proud of that. I haven't been the same Shaun from the hospital or even from second shift at this same company. And I hate that.
Sue and I got into it a little bit during the afternoon. She, Jen, Stacy (the girl from the other department), and I were gathered under the hood of Liberty 3, which up until lately was my press, while I was helping Jen with a job, and Sue started talking and I ended up shooting on her. And the conversation got heavier and more heated than I think she was expecting from me, similar to how it had the other afternoon when she made her first attack. I didn't lay it all out there, not yet, but I was fierce enough to fluster her. For all her supposed fearsomeness, when I start standing up for myself Sue doesn't weather it nearly as well as Karen used to. I should thank Karen for helping toughen me up, huh?
Sue returned a bit later with more of a counter-attack, which I ferociously rebutted, and she got even more flustered. She even made a couple of cracks towards Jen, which I didn't appreciate, especially in light of the mucking about that Sue has already attempted in my personal life, and I let her know it. She was so flustered that I saw her immediately run over and talk to Bob, who I'd already let her know wanted to have a meeting with me about certain things. She came back and told me that Bob wanted to see me NOW. I don't know if I was supposed to be threatened by that or not, but I wasn't. I was looking forward to it.
That meeting lasted a good 75 minutes, at least. It was just me and Bob, and I opened the floodgates to Hell. Everything that was on my mind, every problem I have with the company, every time that I left angry or stressed out, every single issue was addressed and laid out on the table, including my exact thoughts on Sue and what kind of team leader she is, how none of us feel comfortable coming to Bob about things because it'll end up being taken out on us later, how I don't appreciate being treated like shit anytime I try to better myself by bidding out on another job, how I don't appreciate my personal life being thrown into the mix and having to put up with snarky remarks by my team leader, and in general how I don't relish the thought of being a screen printer stuck at that same dead end for the rest of my life.
For his part, Bob was very receptive to everything I had to say. I don't know what, if anything, he'll do with what he's heard from me (and already from Jen), but it does seem as though his heart is in the right place, and he will be sorry to see me go ... even though I told him that I hadn't inked any deal in blood yet. He even went so far as to say he could move me to another part of the building, as he doesn't want to lose a good worker like me. I let him know how skeptical I was about that, too. I can't stay there and do that forever. I have my destiny to consider, and the more my soul gets eaten by that company the harder it is to get there. But I digress.
While I was gone, Jen laid even more track on the knife-twisting thing. This was an ad-lib of her own, not something we worked out, which just goes to show that a good Partner-in-Crime is nothing to sneeze at. Sue mentioned to her that I was at a meeting with Bob and it might take a while. Apparently, there was some air of superiority in her voice, too, like I'd been sent to the principal's office or something.
Jen: "Oh yeah. I know all about that. I even know everything he wants to talk about." And then she shot Sue a look so vicious that when she described it to me later she felt a little bad about it. Yes, the girl who paints herself as evil felt a little bad about it, so I can just imagine what that look was like.
It felt good to let those things out, but this is really only the beginning. I think Sue and I need to have a private meeting, too, because eventually I'm going to end up going for the jugular for keeps if she makes too many snarky remarks. There's only so much I'm willing to take.
You want to meet the real me now?
I thought of breaking this one into a couple different posts, but I think it'll work as one piece. Maybe, maybe not. We shall find out.
The screening department could not be in greater disarray. Jennifer and I were out Thursday. Starr was out Friday. It's chaos--complete and total chaos. Sue is becoming more and more desperate as the situation continues to unravel. The hold she used to have over me slips further and further from her grasp. As much as she used to scare and intimidate me, now I hold her in barely concealed contempt. Where she used to be able to push me around at will, now that train has completely jumped it's tracks, and while I still work hard and maintain my professionalism, the wheels have completely come off the bus as far as her pushing me around.
I've found my Angry Place, thanks to Jennifer, and I'm stoking the fires of it to keep me focused. I let Sue turn me into such a wimpified bitch that I'm embarassed by it. I let her bully me right into a near nervous breakdown, for fuck's sake. I let her push me into near anxiety attacks on Sunday nights because the thought of going to work was so stressful. I lost myself into that stress and became someone else, and I'm not proud of that. I haven't been the same Shaun from the hospital or even from second shift at this same company. And I hate that.
Sue and I got into it a little bit during the afternoon. She, Jen, Stacy (the girl from the other department), and I were gathered under the hood of Liberty 3, which up until lately was my press, while I was helping Jen with a job, and Sue started talking and I ended up shooting on her. And the conversation got heavier and more heated than I think she was expecting from me, similar to how it had the other afternoon when she made her first attack. I didn't lay it all out there, not yet, but I was fierce enough to fluster her. For all her supposed fearsomeness, when I start standing up for myself Sue doesn't weather it nearly as well as Karen used to. I should thank Karen for helping toughen me up, huh?
Sue returned a bit later with more of a counter-attack, which I ferociously rebutted, and she got even more flustered. She even made a couple of cracks towards Jen, which I didn't appreciate, especially in light of the mucking about that Sue has already attempted in my personal life, and I let her know it. She was so flustered that I saw her immediately run over and talk to Bob, who I'd already let her know wanted to have a meeting with me about certain things. She came back and told me that Bob wanted to see me NOW. I don't know if I was supposed to be threatened by that or not, but I wasn't. I was looking forward to it.
That meeting lasted a good 75 minutes, at least. It was just me and Bob, and I opened the floodgates to Hell. Everything that was on my mind, every problem I have with the company, every time that I left angry or stressed out, every single issue was addressed and laid out on the table, including my exact thoughts on Sue and what kind of team leader she is, how none of us feel comfortable coming to Bob about things because it'll end up being taken out on us later, how I don't appreciate being treated like shit anytime I try to better myself by bidding out on another job, how I don't appreciate my personal life being thrown into the mix and having to put up with snarky remarks by my team leader, and in general how I don't relish the thought of being a screen printer stuck at that same dead end for the rest of my life.
For his part, Bob was very receptive to everything I had to say. I don't know what, if anything, he'll do with what he's heard from me (and already from Jen), but it does seem as though his heart is in the right place, and he will be sorry to see me go ... even though I told him that I hadn't inked any deal in blood yet. He even went so far as to say he could move me to another part of the building, as he doesn't want to lose a good worker like me. I let him know how skeptical I was about that, too. I can't stay there and do that forever. I have my destiny to consider, and the more my soul gets eaten by that company the harder it is to get there. But I digress.
While I was gone, Jen laid even more track on the knife-twisting thing. This was an ad-lib of her own, not something we worked out, which just goes to show that a good Partner-in-Crime is nothing to sneeze at. Sue mentioned to her that I was at a meeting with Bob and it might take a while. Apparently, there was some air of superiority in her voice, too, like I'd been sent to the principal's office or something.
Jen: "Oh yeah. I know all about that. I even know everything he wants to talk about." And then she shot Sue a look so vicious that when she described it to me later she felt a little bad about it. Yes, the girl who paints herself as evil felt a little bad about it, so I can just imagine what that look was like.
It felt good to let those things out, but this is really only the beginning. I think Sue and I need to have a private meeting, too, because eventually I'm going to end up going for the jugular for keeps if she makes too many snarky remarks. There's only so much I'm willing to take.
You want to meet the real me now?
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Tick Tick Tick Tick Boom
Now let's talk about work again. My thoughts are a little scattered, so maybe I should just break it into three parts.
1. The Cookie and Sparky Show. As the shop descends into a panic, Sue's had Starr over trying to do the things I've been doing, and she's having a shit time of it. It isn't that Starr isn't a good screener, because she is, but that press is hard to run for eight hours a day, five days a week, every week of the month, every month of the year, for four years ... like I've done. There's a lot to cover over there, and even with Sue's 'help' it's a tough road. Starr already hates it.
Meanwhile, I've been doing the NY jobs, which Starr usually does, and they could not have been more smooth. There isn't anything there that I actually don't know how to screen. Nothing. I can do it all. The other kid, Ian, claims to have hurt his back, so he can't do too much, which just makes the departmental situation all the worse. After lunch Sue had Jen take over for him, which put her and I on adjacent presses, so we got extremely flirty and such. I eat that up, which should be no surprise to anyone.
The person catching for me was this girl named Stacy, who was imported from another department temporarily because they're slow. So Jen was acting a little jealous ... or pretend jealous ... I'm not sure. But either way--MAJOR turn-on. Oh yeah. That kind of thing used to make me uncomfortable, but ... whew. That really fueled the massive desire I was feeling for this girl as mentioned in the last post. Damn.
2. Please Don't Go. After a few days of being really icy towards me and making snippy remarks behind my back, Sue finally confronted me about my leaving. She waited until I was isolated (ie: away from Jen) so she could give me her spiel.
"I really wish you weren't leaving, and I think you KNOW that." And it continued from there. She hopes I'm doing it for the right reasons, and she means that as a *friend*. So I'd finally had enough.
"You know, I know you think I'm leaving just to follow her (Jen), but I'm not. I have my reasons, they're good reasons, and it has nothing to do with her." She tried to rebutt that, but I stood firm. "It isn't about her, so don't bother."
I could feel the hostility coming out, and she got a little flustered ... having never met the real me from Massachusetts before. She changed tactics. "You're leaving at the wrong time. We're just about to get our annual raise." That remark set me off into a whole diatribe of what I think is wrong with the level system and the payrate, which she had no answers for. But she's going to talk to Autumn and find out these things for me. Go ahead. My mind is made up.
But I told her she and I should have a conversation, and when we do the fur is really going to fly.
3. The Boss. Since the word has started to get around about my impending departure, several people have stopped by the press to ask me about it, including Bob, who is the floor supervisor. He stopped and asked how I was doing, I asked how he was doing, there was a very pregnant pause, and he said, "You know I'm going to ask eventually."
I confirmed that the rumors were true, and that there were a lot of factors that went into my decision. He's interested in getting together to talk about it. And I have a lot to say in response.
Tick tick tick ....
1. The Cookie and Sparky Show. As the shop descends into a panic, Sue's had Starr over trying to do the things I've been doing, and she's having a shit time of it. It isn't that Starr isn't a good screener, because she is, but that press is hard to run for eight hours a day, five days a week, every week of the month, every month of the year, for four years ... like I've done. There's a lot to cover over there, and even with Sue's 'help' it's a tough road. Starr already hates it.
Meanwhile, I've been doing the NY jobs, which Starr usually does, and they could not have been more smooth. There isn't anything there that I actually don't know how to screen. Nothing. I can do it all. The other kid, Ian, claims to have hurt his back, so he can't do too much, which just makes the departmental situation all the worse. After lunch Sue had Jen take over for him, which put her and I on adjacent presses, so we got extremely flirty and such. I eat that up, which should be no surprise to anyone.
The person catching for me was this girl named Stacy, who was imported from another department temporarily because they're slow. So Jen was acting a little jealous ... or pretend jealous ... I'm not sure. But either way--MAJOR turn-on. Oh yeah. That kind of thing used to make me uncomfortable, but ... whew. That really fueled the massive desire I was feeling for this girl as mentioned in the last post. Damn.
2. Please Don't Go. After a few days of being really icy towards me and making snippy remarks behind my back, Sue finally confronted me about my leaving. She waited until I was isolated (ie: away from Jen) so she could give me her spiel.
"I really wish you weren't leaving, and I think you KNOW that." And it continued from there. She hopes I'm doing it for the right reasons, and she means that as a *friend*. So I'd finally had enough.
"You know, I know you think I'm leaving just to follow her (Jen), but I'm not. I have my reasons, they're good reasons, and it has nothing to do with her." She tried to rebutt that, but I stood firm. "It isn't about her, so don't bother."
I could feel the hostility coming out, and she got a little flustered ... having never met the real me from Massachusetts before. She changed tactics. "You're leaving at the wrong time. We're just about to get our annual raise." That remark set me off into a whole diatribe of what I think is wrong with the level system and the payrate, which she had no answers for. But she's going to talk to Autumn and find out these things for me. Go ahead. My mind is made up.
But I told her she and I should have a conversation, and when we do the fur is really going to fly.
3. The Boss. Since the word has started to get around about my impending departure, several people have stopped by the press to ask me about it, including Bob, who is the floor supervisor. He stopped and asked how I was doing, I asked how he was doing, there was a very pregnant pause, and he said, "You know I'm going to ask eventually."
I confirmed that the rumors were true, and that there were a lot of factors that went into my decision. He's interested in getting together to talk about it. And I have a lot to say in response.
Tick tick tick ....
Fight the Good Fight
Yesterday after work I was feeling hostile and aggressive. I'll get to the reasons for that in the next post, but it's necessary for this story to know that. All week, and this is seperate from the reasons for my hostility, Jen and I haven't been able to hang out, although we have been talking on the phone. I say "all week", but yesterday was only Wednesday. It just feels like longer. That's either sweet or sad; I don't know which.
So when I talked to her on the phone I was still feeling hostile and aggressive ... and frustrated. I wanted to do something, anything, instead of sitting around here or even sitting around the bookstore. I needed to release some of this energy. Jen started talking about how the cat had escaped and disappeared, and that she was worried that her step-mom (she lives with her mom and step-mom right now, if you get what I mean) would kill her when they got back (they're away). So she suggested I should get up there and help her find that cat, which of course is exactly what I wanted. After I got off the phone I even did a fist pump with a "Yes!".
I drove over there and Jen and I set about finding the cat. Her dog Sarah sniffed it out, and sure enough it was stuck up in a tree. It was too high to reach, so we had to devise a plan. I tried throwing sticks up there that would jostle the branch enough to knock the cat loose, which is how I got Tiger out of the tree back in Hartland, but that didn't work. There was no way to climb up there either. I'd moved on to a rock, but that also didn't work. Meanwhile, it was getting to be late and the clock was ticking. Once the sun went down we wouldn't be able to see the cat, let alone get it down.
I found a long branch, and used it to start poking at the cat, which only resutled in a) debris falling in my eyes, and b) the cat moving up higher. So we thought this out. I was determined not to give up, and she was certain that there's a solution to every problem (which is a really encouraging thought, all things considered). I went back to the house to get her safety glasses and some duct tape (so we could tape two of the branches together). While there I saw a step ladder and grabbed it.
So then I was climbing a step ladder on the soft mud while trying to poke a cat out of a tree using two branches taped together. At one point her mom called, and Jennifer described what we were doing. I said something about how whenever she hears about us doing something stupid she'll just assume I'm involved. Apparently, I was referred to as her "future son-in-law" again, too. I really really like that, by the way.
Even with the ladder the cat was a tough nut to crack. It moved positions twice more, the second time getting so high I could barely see it. At one point, I moved to the top of the step ladder while continuing to poke the large stick well over my head. "What the hell ARE YOU DOING?" It's nice to see her so concerned, isn't it? I didn't break my neck, obviously, but it remains true that the stupider things I'm willing to do invariably involve a woman.
At what was possibly the last minute before we ran out of light, I was able to dislodge the cat and get him to move to a different, but much lower, location in the tree. Then with Jen guiding the stick back where the cat was digging in, I was able to come up right underneath it and I finally knocked it loose. There was a second or two there where I thought it was coming right down on my head, which would have been sharp and painful. But it landed again on a branch right next to me, so I snagged it. And thus, I was the hero.
Then we hung out for a while at her house. We discussed some tentative plans for Friday, which I'm afraid to even write about here as they may evaporate. And we got on the subject of work today and not wanting to go in. It became something of a "I'll call in if you call in" sort of thing, and then I helped her smooth out her story for calling in. See, when I call in I don't give a story or explanation; I just say I'm not coming in. She felt she needed some kind of story, though, since she's so new. It will look, however, as though she and I both decided to ditch together ... which of course, is pretty much true ... even though I didn't see her today, but whatever.
I was there kind of late. And no, nothing happened. And here is where I question myself. I am swamped with desire for this girl. She knows it. And while I don't think I had a real good opening right then last night to make some sort of move, I really wish I'd tried to make one anyway. I have it bad. Real bad. Bad bad. And I'm so rusty and out of practice in doing the dating thing that I'm not even sure how to make the move.
I was there late. When I finally left she made sure that I'd call her when I got back here so she'd know I was all right. That's another nice touch.
I hope tomorrow's plans don't fall through. It would be really disappointing.
So when I talked to her on the phone I was still feeling hostile and aggressive ... and frustrated. I wanted to do something, anything, instead of sitting around here or even sitting around the bookstore. I needed to release some of this energy. Jen started talking about how the cat had escaped and disappeared, and that she was worried that her step-mom (she lives with her mom and step-mom right now, if you get what I mean) would kill her when they got back (they're away). So she suggested I should get up there and help her find that cat, which of course is exactly what I wanted. After I got off the phone I even did a fist pump with a "Yes!".
I drove over there and Jen and I set about finding the cat. Her dog Sarah sniffed it out, and sure enough it was stuck up in a tree. It was too high to reach, so we had to devise a plan. I tried throwing sticks up there that would jostle the branch enough to knock the cat loose, which is how I got Tiger out of the tree back in Hartland, but that didn't work. There was no way to climb up there either. I'd moved on to a rock, but that also didn't work. Meanwhile, it was getting to be late and the clock was ticking. Once the sun went down we wouldn't be able to see the cat, let alone get it down.
I found a long branch, and used it to start poking at the cat, which only resutled in a) debris falling in my eyes, and b) the cat moving up higher. So we thought this out. I was determined not to give up, and she was certain that there's a solution to every problem (which is a really encouraging thought, all things considered). I went back to the house to get her safety glasses and some duct tape (so we could tape two of the branches together). While there I saw a step ladder and grabbed it.
So then I was climbing a step ladder on the soft mud while trying to poke a cat out of a tree using two branches taped together. At one point her mom called, and Jennifer described what we were doing. I said something about how whenever she hears about us doing something stupid she'll just assume I'm involved. Apparently, I was referred to as her "future son-in-law" again, too. I really really like that, by the way.
Even with the ladder the cat was a tough nut to crack. It moved positions twice more, the second time getting so high I could barely see it. At one point, I moved to the top of the step ladder while continuing to poke the large stick well over my head. "What the hell ARE YOU DOING?" It's nice to see her so concerned, isn't it? I didn't break my neck, obviously, but it remains true that the stupider things I'm willing to do invariably involve a woman.
At what was possibly the last minute before we ran out of light, I was able to dislodge the cat and get him to move to a different, but much lower, location in the tree. Then with Jen guiding the stick back where the cat was digging in, I was able to come up right underneath it and I finally knocked it loose. There was a second or two there where I thought it was coming right down on my head, which would have been sharp and painful. But it landed again on a branch right next to me, so I snagged it. And thus, I was the hero.
Then we hung out for a while at her house. We discussed some tentative plans for Friday, which I'm afraid to even write about here as they may evaporate. And we got on the subject of work today and not wanting to go in. It became something of a "I'll call in if you call in" sort of thing, and then I helped her smooth out her story for calling in. See, when I call in I don't give a story or explanation; I just say I'm not coming in. She felt she needed some kind of story, though, since she's so new. It will look, however, as though she and I both decided to ditch together ... which of course, is pretty much true ... even though I didn't see her today, but whatever.
I was there kind of late. And no, nothing happened. And here is where I question myself. I am swamped with desire for this girl. She knows it. And while I don't think I had a real good opening right then last night to make some sort of move, I really wish I'd tried to make one anyway. I have it bad. Real bad. Bad bad. And I'm so rusty and out of practice in doing the dating thing that I'm not even sure how to make the move.
I was there late. When I finally left she made sure that I'd call her when I got back here so she'd know I was all right. That's another nice touch.
I hope tomorrow's plans don't fall through. It would be really disappointing.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
A Working Class Hero is Something to Be
So you may ask yourself, just what do I have against my job that's burning such a hole through me that I'm delighting in such malicious revenge. And you may ask yourself, what has Sue done to me that's caused me to behave in such a spiteful way. And you may further ask yourself, how many axes do I have to grind. Well, I'll tell you.
#1. The Seal Room, part 1. This goes back to the fall of 2001 when I was on second shift. There was so little screening to do that I'd been farmed out to another department over the summer. My friend Adam put in a word for me with his boss when a vacancy opened up in the Seal Room, and I was approached about possibly transferring in there. So I opted to do that. Dave, the boss, put in a good word for me and things went through. I started training in there with Adam and all was well.
Until Brian, the screening supervisor, made a case for how much I was needed back down there, enough so that I was dragged back out of the Seal Room kicking and screaming, and thrown back down in the screening area. Mind you, this was after submitting an official bid for that job, winning the bid, and working in there for almost a month. Then, when I got back to screening, there was so little to do that I ended up working in screenmaking most nights.
I was so bitter about that for months, and it was hard to even go into work.
#2. The Seal Room, part 2. Now I'm on first shift and it's the spring of 2003. Another vacancy is opening up in the Seal Room, and I'm approached by Dave again, and also The Other Brian, who is now supervisor for the entire production floor, about going in there. It's known that I'm not terribly happy in screening, and kind of burnt out, and I am the person they want for that spot. I am told, in no uncertain terms, that the job is mine if I want it. The job is *promised* to me, which helps me to break through my reluctance to bid on it, as the sting of the first time hasn't yet gone away.
I put my bid in for the job. Sue, acting much like she's acting now during the current circumstances, acts like a child and dumps on me, because HOW DARE I try to transfer out of her department to go do something else. The job is subsequently denied to me due to her whining to The Other Brian about how much she needs me down there screening and yadda yadda yadda. No Seal Room job for me, but they're very sorry about it.
Now I'm so bitter it's hard to wake up in the morning.
I have not bid on a single thing since then.
#3. Milking it. This is in May, just two months after the second Seal Room disappointment. Our department had just absorbed the foil screening process, which of course I was thrown onto after a whole two hours of training one afternoon on the previous foil screener's last day on the job. I was usually working alone, cutting foil, screening it, catching it and/or booking it up for the bake ovens--all the stuff I do easily today, but back then it was still a struggle while I tried to find my footing. It takes a little while to get really proficient at the foil.
So this Friday in question I'd busted my ass all day, struggling through the foil, doing my level best to get it all finished. I cut two larger jobs near the end of the day and ran my ass off to get those done. Sue was around near the end of the day and everything seemed cool.
Later that night I got a phone call. Apparently, Sue had gone in to see Tom Jr. in screenmaking and said something. Tom related it to Adam. Adam called me at home. What she'd said was this: "He spent all day milking that foil. I'm going to push him come Monday, and I'll show him." I know the first sentence is an exact quote; the second one I'm not so sure about now, but you get the idea.
I was *furious*. There was so much heat coming from my body that I could have spontaneously combusted right there. And the phone went dead for several seconds. Adam had to ask if I was still there, because I couldn't speak. I was literally vibrating with rage.
Of course, by the end of the weekend I'd turned it all inward and completely stressed myself out into a full blown anxiety attack. I think I even called in on that Monday because I just couldn't handle the stress. I went to the doctor and got prescribed some pills to help me with that anxiety, and I took those pills for the next fifteen months.
Fifteen months of relying on pills to balance my stress ... because of Sue.
#4. We're now up to the fall of 2004. I'd spent the morning training this new kid Josh on the New York lamps. We did two orders of acid etch between 7:00 and 9:00. After break we did two orders of front leads, which took until sometime after 10:00. We were in a pretty good groove by that point, and we broke down the one screen and set up the phosphor screen in about 10 minutes flat. I was just about to start it up when Sue came by.
"You're just starting the phosphor now?" She has a whole tone of voice with those questions that makes you feel 5 years old. And she looked at the clock, and she made that face. So I was like ... what are you talking about? But she wouldn't listen, she wouldn't even hear my side of it. If she'd stopped to think about it she'd know that we were right on track. But one of the processes slipped her mind and she believed that we'd been setting up the phosphor since 9:00 break and were just now starting it. You'd think that after a few years of having me on her shift that I'd get some benefit of the doubt there, but no. Her mind was made up.
I just kind of shook my head and went back to the press. It wasn't until later on that I discovered something she'd written in the ink logbook. "1 1/2 hour set up!"
I saw that there and I blew sky high. Thinking it is one thing, but there's only one reason to write that in that logbook, which only we see: to embarass me. Oh, and she did. And I was ripping mad the rest of the day.
--So you may ask yourself why, seeing as I was so angry, didn't I take these complaints to the boss. Or the time she got me so mad that I went into screenmaking and kicked the bucket of plastic protectors into the wall and spilled them all over the floor. Or any of the other times. That's a good question. Let me refer you to the next point.
#5. Pushover. A lot of my current anger is a consequence of this final point. I can't even begin to explain how much this bothers me. Jen might have been the one to point it out to me first, but she wasn't alone in thinking that I'd become a complete pushover for Sue. I haven't been me. I haven't been the person who used to joust with Karen in full view of the rest of the crew. I haven't been the person who used to refuse to give in to Sam's demands about how I should treat my own crew. I haven't been the person who almost decked Evan when he wouldn't get out of my way when I was trying to leave for lunch. I haven't been the same person at all.
I let Sue bully me and intimidate me into a shadow of my former self. I let her push me around and turn me into a wimp. Jen wasn't the first person to notice it, but she was the first one to tell me. Since then, I've woken up and smelled the coffee, and I've done my best to bring out the old Shaun .... the Shaun that Guinevere and the rest of the FMC gang would recognize from the old days. June has noticed the difference in me. Skip has noticed the difference, too. And Starr thinks I've swallowed the cat. Well, I'm back. Sue's all but lost her hold over me, and she does not like that, not a bit. Hello me, meet the real me.
So I'm holding a grudge about the pills and the anxiety attacks. I'm holding a grudge for the times she made me so furious I couldn't see straight. But turning me into a whipped little puppy dog? I hate her for that.
And I am going to push the knife in all the way to the handle and twist it.
#1. The Seal Room, part 1. This goes back to the fall of 2001 when I was on second shift. There was so little screening to do that I'd been farmed out to another department over the summer. My friend Adam put in a word for me with his boss when a vacancy opened up in the Seal Room, and I was approached about possibly transferring in there. So I opted to do that. Dave, the boss, put in a good word for me and things went through. I started training in there with Adam and all was well.
Until Brian, the screening supervisor, made a case for how much I was needed back down there, enough so that I was dragged back out of the Seal Room kicking and screaming, and thrown back down in the screening area. Mind you, this was after submitting an official bid for that job, winning the bid, and working in there for almost a month. Then, when I got back to screening, there was so little to do that I ended up working in screenmaking most nights.
I was so bitter about that for months, and it was hard to even go into work.
#2. The Seal Room, part 2. Now I'm on first shift and it's the spring of 2003. Another vacancy is opening up in the Seal Room, and I'm approached by Dave again, and also The Other Brian, who is now supervisor for the entire production floor, about going in there. It's known that I'm not terribly happy in screening, and kind of burnt out, and I am the person they want for that spot. I am told, in no uncertain terms, that the job is mine if I want it. The job is *promised* to me, which helps me to break through my reluctance to bid on it, as the sting of the first time hasn't yet gone away.
I put my bid in for the job. Sue, acting much like she's acting now during the current circumstances, acts like a child and dumps on me, because HOW DARE I try to transfer out of her department to go do something else. The job is subsequently denied to me due to her whining to The Other Brian about how much she needs me down there screening and yadda yadda yadda. No Seal Room job for me, but they're very sorry about it.
Now I'm so bitter it's hard to wake up in the morning.
I have not bid on a single thing since then.
#3. Milking it. This is in May, just two months after the second Seal Room disappointment. Our department had just absorbed the foil screening process, which of course I was thrown onto after a whole two hours of training one afternoon on the previous foil screener's last day on the job. I was usually working alone, cutting foil, screening it, catching it and/or booking it up for the bake ovens--all the stuff I do easily today, but back then it was still a struggle while I tried to find my footing. It takes a little while to get really proficient at the foil.
So this Friday in question I'd busted my ass all day, struggling through the foil, doing my level best to get it all finished. I cut two larger jobs near the end of the day and ran my ass off to get those done. Sue was around near the end of the day and everything seemed cool.
Later that night I got a phone call. Apparently, Sue had gone in to see Tom Jr. in screenmaking and said something. Tom related it to Adam. Adam called me at home. What she'd said was this: "He spent all day milking that foil. I'm going to push him come Monday, and I'll show him." I know the first sentence is an exact quote; the second one I'm not so sure about now, but you get the idea.
I was *furious*. There was so much heat coming from my body that I could have spontaneously combusted right there. And the phone went dead for several seconds. Adam had to ask if I was still there, because I couldn't speak. I was literally vibrating with rage.
Of course, by the end of the weekend I'd turned it all inward and completely stressed myself out into a full blown anxiety attack. I think I even called in on that Monday because I just couldn't handle the stress. I went to the doctor and got prescribed some pills to help me with that anxiety, and I took those pills for the next fifteen months.
Fifteen months of relying on pills to balance my stress ... because of Sue.
#4. We're now up to the fall of 2004. I'd spent the morning training this new kid Josh on the New York lamps. We did two orders of acid etch between 7:00 and 9:00. After break we did two orders of front leads, which took until sometime after 10:00. We were in a pretty good groove by that point, and we broke down the one screen and set up the phosphor screen in about 10 minutes flat. I was just about to start it up when Sue came by.
"You're just starting the phosphor now?" She has a whole tone of voice with those questions that makes you feel 5 years old. And she looked at the clock, and she made that face. So I was like ... what are you talking about? But she wouldn't listen, she wouldn't even hear my side of it. If she'd stopped to think about it she'd know that we were right on track. But one of the processes slipped her mind and she believed that we'd been setting up the phosphor since 9:00 break and were just now starting it. You'd think that after a few years of having me on her shift that I'd get some benefit of the doubt there, but no. Her mind was made up.
I just kind of shook my head and went back to the press. It wasn't until later on that I discovered something she'd written in the ink logbook. "1 1/2 hour set up!"
I saw that there and I blew sky high. Thinking it is one thing, but there's only one reason to write that in that logbook, which only we see: to embarass me. Oh, and she did. And I was ripping mad the rest of the day.
--So you may ask yourself why, seeing as I was so angry, didn't I take these complaints to the boss. Or the time she got me so mad that I went into screenmaking and kicked the bucket of plastic protectors into the wall and spilled them all over the floor. Or any of the other times. That's a good question. Let me refer you to the next point.
#5. Pushover. A lot of my current anger is a consequence of this final point. I can't even begin to explain how much this bothers me. Jen might have been the one to point it out to me first, but she wasn't alone in thinking that I'd become a complete pushover for Sue. I haven't been me. I haven't been the person who used to joust with Karen in full view of the rest of the crew. I haven't been the person who used to refuse to give in to Sam's demands about how I should treat my own crew. I haven't been the person who almost decked Evan when he wouldn't get out of my way when I was trying to leave for lunch. I haven't been the same person at all.
I let Sue bully me and intimidate me into a shadow of my former self. I let her push me around and turn me into a wimp. Jen wasn't the first person to notice it, but she was the first one to tell me. Since then, I've woken up and smelled the coffee, and I've done my best to bring out the old Shaun .... the Shaun that Guinevere and the rest of the FMC gang would recognize from the old days. June has noticed the difference in me. Skip has noticed the difference, too. And Starr thinks I've swallowed the cat. Well, I'm back. Sue's all but lost her hold over me, and she does not like that, not a bit. Hello me, meet the real me.
So I'm holding a grudge about the pills and the anxiety attacks. I'm holding a grudge for the times she made me so furious I couldn't see straight. But turning me into a whipped little puppy dog? I hate her for that.
And I am going to push the knife in all the way to the handle and twist it.
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