Shaun is Getting Upset!

Jesus Christ, how the hell am I going to explain this clusterfuck of a day so that it's understandable? I don't even understand it myself, so good fucking luck with that. I'm boiling with rage right now. It's enough that I can barely control the shaking in my fingers enough to type this out, so if none of this ends up making a damn lick of sense I apologize, but god damn it I have to get some of this shit out of my system before it poisons me and I drown in a pool of bile. I feel like I want to explode, and maybe I will. And maybe, just maybe, my days of working for that shithole of a company are almost over. And it won't be soon enough for me, baby.

This place has always been a little off, but somehow it's devolved into the Medical Center, and as Guinevere will know that isn't a good comparison. I mentioned yesterday there was some drama. Well, I'm enjoying it less. And it might have just helped ruin something for me. Yes. THAT. Oh, and when I left there today there was a deep black rage in my heart that I could barely control. Violent thoughts. Very violent thoughts. I don't know how things are going to play out tomorrow, but I am going to tell Susan, my lead person, that we need to have a little conference. Just she and I. And I'm going to tell her that I'm actively looking for other employment. And since I carry a lot of that department, and since I'm about the only person there she can actually depend on when things get hairy, that should hopefully put a fear of holy god into her. No, I don't want her to fix anything. That isn't what this is about. I can handle my own shit, thank you very fucking much. But I'm not bluffing either. I am getting myself out of there. I'm fed up. I've had it. It's done.

That company has taken enough from me.

I've gotten to this point of the post and I don't even really want to talk about it. This is why I got so comfortable doing the other thing online. These things were so much easier to deal with through that filter, and I could just set myself aside and work through the creative steps necessary for it all to make sense. Now I just have to deal with my own actual rage and emotional turmoil, and it sucks. But that's what happens when someone you've worked with for five years, and a "friend" of mine at that, takes a knife and shoves it through your ribcage. And why? For what? I did not do a god damn thing to her. Nothing. And I'd be honest with you here if I had, too. I'm usually aware of when I've been an asshole, and I'll freely admit it. This isn't one of those times.

Let's see. I am, however, very chummy with Jen. Oh, and we were seen leaving together the other afternoon, right? And then the next day is when the chilliness started. Ahhhh HA! Yeah, so someone may have a teensy weensy problem with who I choose to hang out with in my free time. Well, tough shit. I've catered to her pissy ass bad attitude in the past, and I'm done doing that. Done. If just the general icy feelings between SD and I were where it ended, however, it would be a pain in the ass and it would make work uncomfortable, but I could deal with it. But wait. It gets worse.

At the end of the day I was out back cleaning my squeeges. Jen was also out there cleaning. SD came by the doorway and said, "Sue wants you to move that screen", and an Artic breeze blew through the room. Even Jen, who was dubious about what I knew was going on was like "whoa, dude". I went out to move the screen and both SD and Sue were out there talking about something, and I was pretty much wired for sound by this point, and I said something under my breath, and Sue asked "what?" and I just said nothing nevermind. I was very obviously agitated. I don't know if Sue would have known why or not. She did mention to Jen yesterday, during a private discussion, that she "knows something is going on between us. She doesn't know what? But there's definitely something." I'm not sure what business it is of everyone's what I do or don't do when I'm off the clock. Nothing is affecting my work. If anything I've been more productive. This always happens. If I have good chemistry with Dave or Josh that's fine. If it's a female OH HO HO HOLY SHIT, we've got to put a stop to that. I swear that my co-workers and so-called friends are only happy when I'm miserable. Anytime I might find a friend that needs to be stomped out.

This roller coaster is killing me.

I went out back and Jen and I got into a big discussion about what the fuck was going on. Of course, she feels bad that she's at the center of the hurricane and might be the cause of all the trouble between SD and I. Of course, she isn't the cause of it, but I know why she might feel that way. And having been there myself, I know that it totally sucks. But I'm sticking with the decisions I've made so far. I like Jen. She's my friend. She's my partner. And that's just all there is to it.

We spoke a little outside. I was very wound up, angry, and all that, but mostly just disgusted. Jen wanted to force the issue with SD, but I wanted none of it. Not only do I think SD won't tell me what the problem is, but I don't think she'll even admit there is a problem. She's ornery like that. She'll throw you under the bus in a heartbeat, and while she's done that to lots and lots of new people, the most I've ever gotten was some snide snarky attitude from time to time... never anything like this. But then Jen said the thing that put me right on the edge of a meltdown: "Well, if this is going to cause trouble between you and her I should just back off." Yeah. How's that for a kick in the head. I tried to argue that, but in my state of mind I don't think I did very well with it, but I said, "That won't make anything better." "Well, it can't make it worse." "Oh yeah?"

SD came out, Jen tried to jump in and ask her what was up, and I just walked away. Jen chased me down, we talked a little more, and I don't think it was left on a great note. Granted, I overthink and worry about these things, but I dearly wish I had those few minutes to do over. I really think I could have left it in a much better place. And that's what I hate about this the most. I'm all filled with doubt and uncertainty again. I don't know how things are going to be tomorrow between Jen and I. I have a plan for how to attack it, but I don't know if I'm going to get the opportunity.

I wish it were morning right now.