The Writing Blues

I want to do more with my life.

This is, of course, about the writing. I want to be a writer. I want to have things published. I want other people to read my stuff. It's not all just about the one thing you've all heard about ad nauseum, though.

Yes, it is in part about the book. I've been working on the damn thing for so long that I'm afraid now that it'll never be finished. Then again, it's been shelved for quite a while, too. It doesn't have anything to do with not prioritizing it due to my being in a relationship, before anyone thinks that, because the truth is I haven't worked on it steadily since before Amy and I got together. In fact, if you rememeber back to when my other laptop fizzled out on me, that's pretty much when the juice ran out. I have worked on it since, but it's just been herky jerky here and there stuff.

I'm not sure if my committment to THAT book is waning or what. The reasons that I felt were so important to write that book that way and have it come out to that conclusion are nowhere near as compelling to me as they used to be, and haven't been for years. As someone once said: Living in the past; there's no future in it. And for many many varied reasons I'm going to decline to talk about, I'm not feeling all of the story nearly like I used to. I love the characters and the basic plotline, but a good chunk of the thing is leaving me cold. And that's no way to write a novel.

You are not going to want to hear this, but I have to try and alter things so that I am once again writing a book that I give a shit about. What that means .... we'll see.

However, there are other things I'd like to do as well. I would love to have a job writing about either wrestling or comic books online and get paid to do so. I have gone so far as to look into how I can do this. I applied at Examiner.com, and got a good response to my writing, but they want me to somehow tie in my writing to some kind of "local angle" or such, and I haven't quite wrapped my head around how to do that yet. And that has led to me feeling somewhat discouraged. I know that gig is something I could do well and often, but I have to get hired first.

There's another site, too, where I think I could do well, but when filling out the application I got to the part where they want two writing samples of about 600 words or so ... and I blanked. Complete writer's block. And when I get to the point where I can't even pull 600 words out of my ass on a subject I enjoy so much, I know I'm in some deep trouble. Maybe it's because I haven't done jack shit for actual writing in so long that I've gotten rusty, or maybe I'm just putting too much pressure on myself, but I got stuck and stuck hard, and it pretty much destroyed my confidence.

This is not to say I've given up, by the way. I'm just doing the typical SB thing of using this blog to exorcise the crap out of my system.

The alternative is to wind up a bitter old man full of regrets.

Now Then

Tomorrow, on the 4th of July, Skyler is one month old. While I have made the most of the first month and spent as much time with the baby as possible, it still does feel as though it flew by. I'm sure the next month, and the next year, and so forth will fly on by just as quick. That's what everybody says anyway. Well, whatever. I waited 20 years to meet this child, and I'm going to absorb every ounce of enjoyment I can out of her, and I'm not going to miss any opportunities either. Yeah, there are guys out there who don't give a shit about spending a lot of time with their kids, even if they just pay lip service to loving them oh so much (and I know a few of these guys), but I'm not one of them, and I'll never be one of them. I do expect my future to be a litte more crowded and busy with writing related stuff, but I'll be damned if I'm going to miss a school play or anything like that if I don't have to.

It's that damn Cat in the Cradle song, you know. The message behind it has been stuck in my mind forever. I listened. I get it.

So far, I've done good on this score. During the pregnancy I was there for everything all along the way. I went to every pre-natal visit, even if I had to ditch work for a few hours, every ultrasound (including the awesome 3D ones we did in Keene), every near-miss hospital visit, ... everything. The thought of missing even one of those visits never crossed my mind. I *had* to be involved. The only worry I had was missing too much work and getting into trouble, which could have happened if I didn't work for the supervisor that I do work for, because he's pretty awesome as bosses go. And I was concerned about missing time and not getting paid. Usually I nickel and dime all my vacation time usage throughout the year, taking two hours there and three hours here. Long vacations are usually not in the budget anyway. Case in point, I'm here in NH now instead of in NY with the family (although that also has to do with not wanting to drag Skyler on a six hour trip to nowhere at her age; and the fact that while Amy does get along well with my family, it's better to keep it at smaller doses, because my beautiful wife does get aggravated easily).

Money, and the job thing, are really the only things left for me to figure out. Of course I don't want to stay at my Current Place of Employment for the rest of my life, nor am I eager to replace that job with a similar job doing monkey work for less money than I'm worth. I'm pursuing some writing options (yes, including the book), and while I've been a bit frustrated to start, I'm not going to give up.

Ever since I hit the reset button in 2007 (with Jen's help), I've done some amazing things that honestly I thought might never happen ever in my life, including getting married to Amy and having a baby. Figuring out this job/writing thing is just the next logical step. And if I can do those first two "scary" things, I should be able to work this out, too.

I just need Calliope to get her butt back from the Bahamas.