Did I Miss 60B?

I just got home. After work I hung out with You Know Who for the first time since a week ago Saturday, and things went much better this time than they did that day. This was actually against my better judgement, as my plan was to take a full three steps back from all this, but deep down I did miss hanging around with her, and you know what? Sometimes I just can't help myself. Besides, getting past last week to show that I'm still the same decent guy no matter what she throws at me is all part of the Larger Plan. I don't know if she and I would be a good couple. I don't think of her as "The One" or anything stupid like that, but there is something here. There's something. It's important that I met this girl, for whatever reason. I can't explain it, but I do know that something essential is happening right now. Maybe that sounds crazy, but I do always know when the Wheel of Destiny is intervening in my life, if not why.

I have a lot of regrets. There are a lot of things I should have done, but didn't. There have been a lot of roads not taken. Guinevere knows. She's seen me get to the point where I'm almost being eaten alive with regret. Whatever is happening now will not go down as one of those times where I failed to act and then spend the next however many years regreting it. I can't.

I've also done some crazy shit in my life, some dangerous stuff, and I've made some foolish choices ... mostly involving women. I don't regret any of that stuff. At least I have a few interesting stories to tell.

She approached me at work and asked what I was doing that afternoon. And what did I have planned? I was going to come home, troll around on the internet for a couple hours, go to the bookstore and write, come home, watch Deal or No Deal and Heroes, and then hang out on the internet for a little while before bed. "Not much," I answered. So she said she had some errands and stuff to do and would I like to keep her company? And again, despite my better instincts, I said sure. What I'd said in that e-mail was all written from a very pure place, and I meant every word of it. I did miss hanging around with her. Whether or not this means I'm a fool, at least I'll have some interesting stories to tell later on.

She did have an interview at 8:00 out of town, and after spending the afternoon riding around in her junk heap of a car, there was no way I could stand back and not offer to drive her there. I wouldn't have felt good about it if I hadn't. This isn't even about that. At the end of the day she's still my friend, and this is what I do. I look out for my friends if and when I can. Actually, giving her a ride there was nothing. Something like that is only the tippety top of the iceburg of what I would do for friends (and sisters) of mine.

On the way back she and I had another heart to heart, covering some of the same ground as before. I think I came off very well in this. She's learning she can't scare me away, no matter how terrible she thinks she is. And she said that she's terrified of hurting me, because that's what always happens, and I'm standing my ground. I've been hurt before, by experts, who hurt me on purpose, and who didn't give a damn, and I survived and I'm not afraid and I'm willing to take a chance.

So I told her I understoond and appreciated everything she was saying, but you know what? It changes nothing.

"You're going to make me cry again."

Maybe I will get hurt. That's always a possibility when I like somebody. But for the first time in a long while I'm determined to stay in the fight to the bitter end, no matter what. And even if this ends up being a horrible disaster, I feel very proud of myself for putting myself out there and laying it on the line.

I won't regret that.