No Fear

There's so much to cover from the past two days that I barely know where to begin. But before I get into the continuing coverage of the job type thing, Calliope insists that I have to talk about something else, if for no other reason than to clear my mind. Here we go.

I don't know where this thing with Jen is headed. The last few days with her have been great, don't get me wrong, but our relationship is so unusual from what I've been accustomed to that I fall into awkward and uncomfortable mode fairly easily. There are reasons for why things are unusual. She's been hurt in almost unbelievable ways by people she trusted, and that's a hard hurdle for me to overcome, although I am trying my best.

But we are at the point where this relationship could get very difficult. She's about to start at Rugers on second shift, and I'm due to start there a week later on first shift. I may never see her. We both know this -- we both knew it when we got into this a few weeks back -- and neither of us really has any idea how to navigate through this circumstance yet. I've overcome this before. I've worked opposite shifts from my significant other before, but we were already established by then. Jen and I are still in the early going, and despite the fact that I know she likes me a lot (even more than she wants me to know), I can still feel just how fragile this relationship is.

I will not surrender. I told her the night we jumped into this that I would not back out, and I won't give up. I won't. No matter how difficult this gets, I won't. I'll go down in a flaming blaze of glory if I have to, but I will not give up just because things are tough. I've done too much of that in my life already.

Even with this hanging over my head, the other day I had the weirdest feeling. It was so strange for me to feel it that it took me a minute to identify what it was. I feel free. I feel like I can do anything. Like the world is mine and the sky is the limit. I can't remember the last time I felt that way. Some fear has always dominated me and kept me from realizing my potential. Fear of disappointment, of getting hurt, of failure, of change ... the list goes on and on. My whole life has been run on fear. My whole life. Shannon and Milta helped free me from some of that, and I've had the guiding influence of Gunievere keeping me from giving in for years now, but I've always still had some fear guiding me and keeping me from doing what I'm here on earth to do.

I don't want to live that way anymore.

This relationship with Jennifer may not work out. It may go down in flames tomorrow. It might be an epic tragedy for the ages. We might end up hating each other by the end. However it comes out, though, I will never forget how she helped me get to where I am right now. She changed my life. She woke me up. She helped me get over my fear of living. I'll always thank her for that.

My destiny is ahead of me. I will have it.