From Almost Famous to Bloodrayne

Some weeks back I started thinking of an idea I'd like to try. It's something I dabbled with a long time ago, back in the heyday of the Black Roses Society (me, Samantha, and Chrissy), but it never turned into much of anything. Pretty much anytime I watch a movie, my brain assigns it a star rating. Given how many of Roger Ebert's reviews I've read (it's in the thousands), you'd think I'd use a four star system like he does, especially since I can look at any one of his ratings and know exactly where he falls on the film. But no. For whatever reason, I'm much more comfortable using the five star system. But the idea I'm talking about is my interest in writing some movie reviews.

Now, they wouldn't be totally in depth reviews such as those written by Ebert or my--uh, Libby's friend Matt, but would instead be reviews the length of an extended paragraph or so. It's an idea I've had for so long that I have to at least try it and see how it fits. Maybe if I do enough of them I can print them out and assemble them into a little self-published book or whatever. I had a thought that I could arrange the reviews from my favorite film of all time down through the worst piece of crap I've ever sat through. I even have a title in mind if I did it that way (hence the title of this post). It's either that or alphabetically. Whichever.

In my star ratings I try to be as sparing as possible with the full monty of *****, saving that for the best of the best -- movies like Almost Famous, Pulp Fiction, Boogie Nights, The Fisher King, among others. That said, there'll be a ton of movies that come in at ****1/2. Great to be sure, but not quite as awesome as those upon the mountain top. The bootleg "Untitled" version of Almost Famous is actually so good that it almost breaks the five star scale. You should really see it if you haven't already.

*****

Speaking of awesome movies, I watched Across the Universe last night and it blew me away. I'm not even sure how to describe it. It's kind of a musical with a storyline made up almost entirely out of Beatles songs, which are sung by the cast, which includes the luminous Evan Rachel Wood amidst a bunch of talented people I'm meeting for the first time. It's a period piece, set in the 60's, but the story told really transcends any particular time period. Some of the songs, which you've heard hundreds of times, are refigured in a context that changed how I'll hear them from now on, like T.V. Carpio's melancholy "I Wanna Hold Your Hand". Already an Evan Rachel Wood fan (ever since her heartbreaking and awe-inspiring performance in Thirteen), I've become even more so after this performance. I didn't know she had such a beautiful singing voice.

Not all the songs chosen are the most obvious ones I would have expected. There's even a couple I didn't recognize, and I'm pretty well versed in The Beatles. One such song, "It Won't Be Long" sung by Miss Wood, is such a good song I can't believe I've never heard it before. How can I be 37 years old and in possession of such an extensive classic rock collection that there are Beatles songs that good that I don't even know about? I have to say Across The Universe has gone a long way in reigniting my latent Beatlemania, and I may be making some additions to the Beatles section of my collection. For this to happen means I've just had some wicked movie experience, man.

I remember when this movie was out in theaters. The premise seemed a bit dicey to me, but it's really wonderful. I should give it some time to settle in my mind first before I give it any rating, but I'm really leaning towards the full monty.

(Note: this isn't an example of the kind of review I want to write. This is me just blathering along)

See it!

*****

This seemed like a good place to stick the following. It's something I saved while deconstrucing the Joyride that I just couldn't bear to part with. It's Libby's original pulverizing of the movie Bloodrayne, one of my favorite NHJ posts of all time

*****

The first rental is down. What can I say about Bloodrayne. Hmmm. Bloody awful? Bloody stupid? Let me think. Oh, ok. Wait. I have it. Shitrayne. There I think I have summed up the movie in one succinct blip. It blows. It's terrible. It's the third Uwe Boll masterpiece based on a videogame, and now I might have to track down the other two just to see for myself where they stack up to this.

Bloodrayne, the red-haired chick played by Kristiana Loken, is part human, part vampire. They call that a Dhampir(?). No, I don't know why. Some of this I'm sure comes from the video game, which I'll remain neutral on, since I haven't played it. Since I've only seen the movie, I'm going to blame it for everything. Anyway, she's a half-vampire more or less. Didn't Blade already use that idea? Well, nevermind. What this means here is that the rules for vampirism, which are always different in every movie and book, sometimes apply to Rayne and sometimes not indiscriminately for no reasons that I can discern. But to be fair I kind of gave up early.

I remember back when I first talked about Underworld back in 2004 I said that it felt like I was watching the 2nd movie in a trilogy, that's how confusing it was. There's plenty of gobbledygook in this flick, too, that makes it just as confusing to get your bearings. Ok, Rayne is a semi-vampire who escapes her life as a performing circus freak. There's a trio of vampire hunters running around--Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez, and some dork who becomes the romantic lead. I actually don't know his name and I'm too bored to find out. Additionally, Ben Kingsley plays Kagan the lord of the vampires, who is so feared and so powerful that...he's never seen doing anything until the end of the movie. He sits on his throne and gives orders, pretty much, dispatching his thralls here and there. What's more, his thralls are called the Thralls. "Summon my thralls!"

Wait. It's more complicated than that even. The vampire hunters are part of this hidden fortress (how do you hide a fortress?) called The Brimstone Society (not quite as cool sounding as The Hellfire Club) who are apparently dedicated to ridding the world of vampires, and nothing else. The Michael Madsen character seems to be their leader, but who knows? I don't.

There's also another element involved here. There's a "special appearance" by Billy Zane, who plays the estranged father of the Michelle Rodriguez character (because they look like they might be blood related.......right? Sure. Whatever), but is now also a vampire, but used to be the leader of the Brimstone Society. Or something. I have no fucking idea. His purpose in the movie seems to be there purely to try and sway Michelle against the Madsen character, but it's convoluted and I won't get into it. However, Zane's first appearance in the film, dictating a letter to be sent to Michelle, is so fucking unintentionally hilarious that I almost want to recommend the movie just so you'll see it.

Almost.

There are other throwaway bits and extraneous characters, and a weird monastary that somehow figures into the plot, but who cares? Actually, let's talk about the monastary for a bit. This is where the "plot" of the movie breaks down right into a video game. Ok, so Rayne is in the catacombs. Look there's an indentation in the wall shaped like a crucifix. Hey, there's a butt-ugly guardian sleeping in a chair and he's wearing a crucifix. Hey! I bet that's a key. And I bet the guardian is going to wake up when you get close. Ok, so she kills him. It was a key, how about that. Oh, and then the thing you're looking for (I'll get back to this) is in a trap filled room. Am I watching a movie or playing Resident Evil here? Whirling blades on the floor? No problem, she just does a simple cartwheel to get by them. Then the room starts to fill up with water. Earlier in the movie water burned her, but now she's absorbed the magic artifact in the room and the water doesn't hurt her and fuck my brain hurts just trying to write all this out.

Right, there are three magic artifacts. An eye, a rib, and a heart. They all come from some ancient vampire, just to make things more convoluted, and when you assemble them together you can make vampires super powerful...or something. Why does that work? I don't know. Nobody explained it to me, or if they did I sure wasn't paying attention. Whatever. Anyway, Rayne absorbs the eye and it like, uh, takes the place of one of her own eyes? What? The rib shows up later, collected *off screen* by Kagan's main henchman. It just shows up. "Oh, here's the rib for ya, boss". What the fuck? Don't even get me started on the heart. Actually, I will get back to that later.

The main henchman I just mentioned looks kind of like Matt Hardy with a Road Warriors haircut, but is played like he has either some kind of roid rage or just severe constipation. While that might stand out in most movies, NOBODY in this film is really trying. Maybe Loken is trying, but if so she's just not a good actress. Oh, I have bloodlust, I have angst, I hate you, I love you, I want to kill you, wait...more angst. Michael Madsen plays his guy like he can't believe he actually signed up for this shit. "Hey, I used to be Mr. fucking Blonde, god dammit. Now I'm in this piece of shit. Fuck it, I don't even care." Michelle seems to have a permanent chip on her shoulder, possibly for the same reasons as Madsen. Kingsley is very arch as the King of the Vampires! I think Bela Lugosi was more subtle back in 1931. Billy Zane seems to have just smoked a big blunt. Everybody else? Absolutely horrible. I have nothing against Meatloaf, but nobody should ever let him act again if this is any indication.* I defy you to find one person in this movie who acts in any way like a real life person or gives a line reading in a remotely natural way.

Then again, the writing is of such dismal quality that who can blame them?

*Also, check out Loaf's scene for the acting by--no, not actresses--but REAL PROSTITUTES, hired to keep costs down. Ha ha ha, thank you, Wikipedia!

Kagan is also Rayne's father, btw. She's the product of his having raped her human mother. Rayne wants revenge on him for raping (and then later killing) her mother. Not to pick nits here, but if he hadn't raped her in the first place, Rayne, you wouldn't even be there. Not to condone rape or anything, but maybe you should just focus on the murder part. Plus, she says her mother was raped and killed in front of her, but only half of that is true, as you can plainly see in the flashback. Kagan bites mom, which I guess you could construe as a sexual assault...kind of. You'd think that would be enough to kill her, but no, he also impales her with some sharp stick.

Remember when Rayne killed that guardian a little bit ago? She's saved from the trap room by the monks running the joint, at which point she says, "I'm not here to hurt anyone." Oh, sorry about killing your guardian, though, which they don't bring up and neither does she. This is the kind of attention to detail found throughout the entire movie. People do absurd things for unclear reasons all the time. Watch the Brimstone Trio, too. In their first scene the one who's name I'm too lazy to research non-chalantly kills a vampire in the middle of a crowd scene, like as an afterthought, and nobody around bats an eyelash. Later, they show up at the travelling freakshow Rayne has escaped from and dismemeber a blood-drained corpse...that everyone has left laying around, and again nobody says a word. They just show up, do it, leave. Although, I do think they question somebody about something while they're there, but...who gives a shit?

Rayne in that earlier scene escapes the freakshow. They've treated her cruelly, yes, so she takes out some bloodlust on them...also killing the only friend she has there. That friend is like some innocent, young adult gypsy girl. There isn't a jot of evidence that shows that she's being mistreated, too, yet she dreams of her and Rayne running away to some fabled land where they can "play all day" or somesuch. Now this isn't some six-year old girl, no. She's got to be in her 20's. I guess some dreams of fairy tales never die. Of course, the movie is set in some indeterminate European location (I don't think they say) in some undetermined quasi-medieval time period. I only know it's supposed to be the real world because someone says "China" in reference to something or other. If not for that, there would be no resemblance to any actual historical time or place. None.

For some reason that gyspy girl has the double swords that Rayne later acquires. She acquires them because Rayne kills the girl on her way out, which may have been an accident, but one for which she feels remorse for like one-sixteenth of a second, and maybe a little more in flashbacks later. Whatever. Just remember that later when she wistfully says she got her swords from a good friend of hers. Sure, she leaves out the part where SHE KILLED HER.

The movie comes to a screeching halt for a sex scene right out of nowhere between Rayne and the dork, who prior to this didn't seem to even like each other. Well, sometimes lust happens, right? It would be a little more believable, however, if the two had even a smidgen of a scene that showed some sexual attraction or if the two actors had any hint whatsoever of some chemistry between them. Since that isn't the case it's just mechanical, like some weird vampire porno scene. Oh, do me baby. Yeah, up against the bars of my jail cell. Oh, that's so hot. Ew.

There are a few big fight scenes. One of them is at that monastary where Rayne absorbed the eye. Kagan sends his thralls there to bust up the joint and the Brimstone team shows up and it's a confusing battle of who is on who's side, badly staged, using people who clearly don't know what the fuck they're doing. I blame Uwe, of course. How many variations of a sword to the face can I work in here? A bunch. Look at how cool I am that when I have a sword hit there's a big spray of blood everywhere. Neat? Well, what makes it different from Kill Bill, say? Let me sum it up in one word: style.

Quentin is a real filmmaker, who made a stylish homage to Asian cinema, and it happened to be bloody.
Uwe is a little boy who likes to spray blood everywhere.

There's no better proof of that than the weird montage at the end of the movie. Ok, Rayne is victorious. D'oy. Is that a spoiler? Did you have any doubt about it? Come on. And she sits down on the throne of the bad guy. The camera comes in for an extreme close-up. Then...words fail me here...there's a long montage of earlier scenes from the movie, and some that weren't there before, which is mostly made up of body parts being hacked off, bloody explosions, spraying blood, and other non-sequential events at random. And then it goes back to the extreme close-up before the credits.

So this montage. I have to ask...why? Why? For what reason? What is it doing there? What does it add? Who are you trying to impress? What is the fucking point? I don't get it. Terrible. Just terrible.

Horrifying fucking movie.

Oh yeah, a rating. Inspired by this movie I had to come up with a brand new rating: ZFS. So now there's HFO (horror fans only), NKS (not Kitten safe), the one I used for Hostel that I'll have to go back and look up (it was something about it being a Geek Show), and now ZFS.

Zero Fucking Stars.