Then

So here's a question. What if I woke up in the morning and just didn't give a fuck? Because that's about what happened, and I nursed that attitude all day. Despite last night's semi-implosion, I knew I'd make it out the other side and be fine. I didn't think it would be so soon, but I'm not complaining. Last night I was not my own biggest fan. At all. I'm terribly hard on myself all the time, and while that kind of thing has made me a better (and more disciplined) writer, and it helps me do really well at work, and it helps me out in relationships ... sometimes the weight of it is too much for the roof and the whole house of cards falls in on me, which is what happened last night.

Today, though, I don't care so much. It isn't that I'm now disinterested, mind you, but I'm not going to be shoved through the rabbit hole to please other people. I think part of what's been so disconcerting in regards to this new subplot is that it's been happening on somebody else's timetable, and while she certainly means well, that doesn't tend to work for me. Yes, I do work slow, and I am methodical (maybe sometimes too much so), but working that way yields me the best results, especially if I have to play offense. I need to approach this in my own way, at my own speed, or I'll never be comfortable.

Now if it was a situation where a very aggressive girl was coming at me all guns blazing , that's different. I can adapt to that easily. But this isn't a case of that.

Today at work Cooter asked, as a follow up to last night's shenanigans, if Ashley had responded to my Myspace letter. "Nope." He was puzzled by that, and started speculating that she might be "even more shy" than I am, which while probably true, it's a pain in the ass to be someone who is such an example of shyness that it's astonishing to find someone else who might be even more. It's like saying, "Wow, he's even more stupid than you are." You know?

Then he got on a tangent about having Amy talk to her at that parenting class they go to tonight and .... I cut him off in mid-sentence with, "How about DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT." I probably left him with the impression that I am losing interest, and he'll probably impart that to Amy, and then she'll do something drastic. This is just a prediction of what I think might happen, NOT how I'm trying to engineer events to my beneift. I would just as soon be left alone to let things happen or not as they will through my own power, thanks anyway.

Later on, Cooter said something like, "You must get really lonely there all by yourself and ..."

Again I cut him off in mid-sentence.

"If you want me to split your head open with this file, keep talking."

He got the point.