The Sign I Was Looking For

She's a sneaky one all right. She's manipulative. She moves me around like a pawn on a chess board. She doesn't give me straight answers or tell me what's going on, and instead leaves most of everything for me to figure out for myself. The motive and the point behind all of the things she does is kept hidden, and as a consequence I end up questioning everything. I never know what's going to come next with her. But most important of all, she loves me. I am, of course, talking about the Nice Lady.

I've been ruminating over the events of the past week or so, particularly the re-emergence of Jennifer, and I've been thinking about what it all means. On Sunday I was just annoyed, but yesterday I was angry, and today I figured it out. Last year was a critical year for me. It was the year in which I came back from the dead and started reassembling my life pretty much from scratch. And as has been chronicled here at length, Jen was a pivotal figure in that rebirth and reassembly. Then she left. And while at the time I knew it was for the best, there was a lot of me that hung onto her, and yes I missed her and wished she was still around to be a harbinger of chaotic change into my life. I hung onto my romanticized notion of who she was and what she represented. And then last week when she resurfaced and started playing games, and on Sunday when she straight up lied to me about what was going on I was just so disappointed. I'd defended her. I'd stood up for her. I gave her a place of honor in my memories. And she made me feel like a fool.

But there is a purpose to it, and I've sussed it out. The mechanisms of the Wheel work in a particular way. Shannon was important. Milta was important. Jen was important. The purpose is served and then the Wheel moves me along. But I hung on to Jen and didn't want to let it go. Before her return I know there was an increased frequency of Jen mentions in posts, as far as how much I missed her and so forth. And to some degree, hanging onto her in that way was holding me back. I was moved along here for a reason, whatever that reason is, and the moving along here to Newport is another step towards the destiny that's been mapped out for me by the Nice Lady for several years. And to get to that destiny I need to move forward. And hanging on to those feelings about Jen, and wishing she was around, and wanting to talk to her and hang out with her ... is not moving me forward. And because the Nice Lady always knows what's best for me and what I need at any particular time, and especially when I'm feeling aggravated or frustrated, she took care of it.

That is to say, the Nice Lady dropped Jen back in so that I could see her true face. I always knew she wasn't perfect, and she wasn't a great girlfriend, but because she did do so much good for me I looked back on her with glasses that were perhaps a bit more rosy than I should have looked at her through. To start the next chapter in my life I needed to see the truth -- I needed to have the truth of the matter rise up and spit in my face. And it has. And I've seen the truth now. And I've seen Jennifer's true face. And it isn't very pretty. Without this I would have continued along just like I'd been going along, thinking about her, wondering what she was up to, and hoping she'd pop back into my life in some way or another.

But now I just want her to go away.

I wouldn't have thought that between the two girls who have been making me so angsty that Amy would appear to be the lesser of two evils by far. The thought of that makes my mind explode a little bit. I've mostly gotten Amy out of my system through my own power (for now), but I needed help with Jen. I believe my interest in her, and her whereabouts, and her doings, and her drama, has pretty much been exhausted. It is conceivable now that Jen may not call me another time. She hasn't since our one conversation that night. It could be that having served the additional purpose required of her by the Nice Lady -- showing me her true face -- that she'll again be moved out of the picture, and this time for good.

And if she does call again, I don't think I'll be taking the call. Or returning messages. Or calling other friends of Jen to relay anything back to Jen. Or anything at all.

This is another of several posts where I'm fully aware how batshit crazy what I'm saying may sound to those reading, but it makes sense to me. I believe in the Nice Lady. I believe there is a larger purpose I am here to serve. I believe there is a destiny in store for me. I wanted to believe in Jen. But I just can't. Not anymore.

A few weeks ago -- actually in the unpublished post -- I was begging the Nice Lady to give me any kind of possible sign that all of this was leading somewhere, and now I have that sign. She's looking out for me.

There is a reason.