I'm not even sure that what I'm looking for exists in the world anyway. Is it possible that the Destiny that I'm working towards doesn't include that special someone just for me? Are the things that interest me and turn me on so Byzantine and weird that there simply is no perfect match out there? It isn't a case of my having set the bar too high either. I may cite Erica Campbell as "God's Perfect Creation", as I've written a few times in my other blog, but it isn't like I'm expecting to get someone like her. I realize that I'm just an average, regular guy and that the Goddesses of the world may be a little out of my reach. And while I have dabbled in that area from time to time, my ability to attain the unattainable heavily depended on luck and circumstance.
If I'd met any of the girls I've dated, for example, any other way than the way I had, they would have been classified as Unattainable. If not for the circumstances of that kitchen at the time, I doubt Jacquie would have given me a second look, let alone let me get close enough to her that she and Casey would bring me in homemade Thanksgiving dinner because I got stuck working. If I were 19 again right now, and living in Florida, both Rachel and Cinderella would be way out of my league. And this is also why I immediately discount things like Jim's insistance that the hot waitress at Salt Hill was flirting with me, too. I just find that hard to really believe.
Ok, you may say, but you have been able to land some girlfriends that are in the Unattainable range, so what the French, toast? And, you might add, this way of thinking is probably how you end up slumming sometimes, for which there are a couple of famous examples. I know. This is my one fatal flaw. (Yes, I have other flaws, but those are just annoying; they aren't fatal.) I have a lack of self-confidence in this area of my life. As much as I try to maintain some humility while discussing the subject, I do know I'm pretty darn good at writing. I also know that I can learn any job and get really good at it, too. But my ability to believe that I can land a high quality girl is sorely lacking. Why? For a long time I was plagued with crippling self-worth issues, which were exacerbated by the inciting incident of 1992, and led me to believe that I didn't deserve anyone as nice as I wanted. And my failure to turnover a few potential prospects didn't help either, and I won't mention any names here, but some of would know some of them.
Another factor is my true mortal enemy: my innate shyness. Once I get comfortable in a situation I'm fine, but sure enough whenever I'm dropped into a new arena it'll pop up again until I find my footing. At FMC? I was the quiet one for a long while. It took years for the version of me that Guinevere saw there to blossom. What about LSI? I was again the quiet one for a long while. It took forever for me to become as outspoken as I'd later become. And Rugers? Same thing. I'm still the quiet one of that group, but thanks to the work I've done on myself this year, I'm getting past that faster than I usually do. But those are just ordinary work situations, in which I excel. Where the shyness really hurts me is in the talking to females part. If it's at work, and I'm working closely with one, and especially if I'm training one on something, I do fine. It's meeting them out in the wild where I run into trouble. Let's take the waitress at Salt Hill for a good, recent example. I literally had *no idea* what to say to her outside of answering the questions she asked. I was blank, like my brain shut down, and I became little more than a deer in the headlights. And that sucks.
Because what if she did like me? What if other girls elsewhere like me and I just don't know it because I don't know how to talk to them? The situation isn't completely bleak, however. The whole Jen thing did prove that I'm still viable as someone that a cute, smart, and funny girl with tons of personality will be attracted to. I've been critical of the girl, yes, and she was not the right girl for me, no, but she did a lot of good for me. What I needed was a girl like her to come in and kick me in the ass and get me into gear, and she did that. More importantly, she did it without causing some of the lasting damage that sometimes comes with a relationship that doesn't go as well as it could have, because not only do I now have a clearer idea of what I want, I have a much clearer idea of what I *don't* want.
Which may be why things haven't gone anywhere with Sherry yet, even though she very clearly does like me. She's nice and we have a pretty good chemistry, and I don't find her unattractive, but I don't see her as a longterm solution. Whatever spark I'm supposed to feel ... I'm not feeling it. And I'm fighting the urge that sometimes pops up to push towards something with her out of loneliness, or to have a relationship just for the sake of having one because I don't like to be alone. I've fallen into a relationship or three that way in the past, the nature of which pretty much precludes me from being happy, and once I'm unhappy in a relationship things start to fall apart pretty quick.
Yeah, I know. Rome wasn't built in a day. In 2007 I made some amazing progress in numerous areas of my life, and after circling the drain for so long you can't expect to fix everything in the space of six months. But I am working on it. I am figuring out how to tear down the walls of the last few things that need fixing in my life. I'm not done by any means. This is a continuing process of self-improvement. I'm already partway there.
2008 is going to be an interesting year.
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