From the Archives, part 1

While dissecting my other blog, I've saved a few posts that can't be replaced. Most of those posts are disposable, unlike these here posts, but there are those would miss if they were lost to history. Case in point, the following post. The following is a case where one of my friends (or Beth's friends, to be totally accurate) challenged me to do something, and when challenged I always rise to the occassion (or in this case lower myself to the occassion), and I think I certainly did that here. In fact, as usual, I went well beyond what was necessary in covering the challenge. A word of warning, though, what follows is vile, disgusting, revolting, and a little reprehensible ... but it's all part of the fun. Those of you with weak hearts or a weak stomach might want to skip this altogether, but I'm proud of what I've done here, and so for posterity ... my version of the Aristocrats.

*****

This is a true story. My uncle told it to me several years ago when I finally turned old enough to join the family business at the age of five. He swears it's true, and who am I to doubt him? After all, I saw his own act several times before his unfortunate death under the feet of the elephant he was jerking off during the big conclusion. I know the story is true, because I've also heard it from my dad numerous times around the campfire since then. My big sister also swears it's true, but you never know with her. She also told me I was raised by wolves for the first three years of my life and left on the doorstep. So she might be pulling my leg.

Anyway, the story goes like this. There's this talent agent named Mitch Freelander, who my family knows and still works with here and there. They go way back. One day this gentleman comes in to see Mitch about auditioning an act for him. Mitch was always on the lookout for new and different things, still is, so he figured what the heck and asked this guy what he had. Might be worth a laugh.

It's a family act, the guy told Mitch. Wait a minute, said Mitch, family acts never play around here. Hear me out, the guy said. You've got three minutes, Mitch said. My name is George Hollandbacker, the man said, and the act goes a little like this:

First I come out on stage with my beautiful wife Janet, along with my son Bobby and daughter Jennifer. He's 13 and she's 8. We do a little song and dance routine to begin. The music's playing. Janet and I are twirling batons. And then the kids get naked. Yes, that's right, naked as the day they were born. Jennifer lies down on her back and then Bobby goes down and starts eating her out. Janet and I finish the song and then retrieve several kitchen knives from a trunk just off stage. The kids roll over so that Bobby is now laying on his back, and Jennifer turns around on him so they're doing a 69, see. Meanwhile, Janet and I start juggling the knives back and forth to each other over top the kids while they keep going at it. And this goes on for a bit, Bobby's eating her out, she's sucking him off, and we just juggle faster and faster and faster. Knives are whirling around everywhere. Very exciting.

We drop the knives to the side and then both Janet and I drop our pants and get naked. Jennifer does a 180 so that she's back around on the floor again, making room for her mother who squats down on Bobby's face, and he starts eating her out now. Meanwhile, I take my cock and ram it right up Jennifer's tiny little asshole. This is the tricky part, see, because I'm much bigger than her and naturally it's pretty uncomfortable, and it takes a lot of concentration for her not to bite down on Bobby's dick when I go in her backside. So to bring you up to speed here, I'm fucking Jennifer up the ass, she's blowing Bobby, and Bobby is eating out his mother's cunt. Sounds good so far, right? Ok. This is when we bring out grandma.

She might be an old lady now, but she's got showbiz in her blood, and she's pretty spry for her age. While all of this sucking and licking and fucking is going on, grandma starts doing cartwheels over us, and then lands in a split. At this point we all break from each other. I'm the last one to pull out, because the sound my cock makes when it pulls free of Jennifer's tiny wormhole makes a sound like a cork popping out of a champagne bottle, which is sure to be a crowd-pleasing moment. Wait, but there's more.

Grandma starts jerking off me and Bobby while Janet and Jennifer make out. Grandma has a lot of experience, right? So her hands are pretty skilled. She really knows how to polish the knobs, if you know what I mean. By the time we come, at the same time, it's like two fire hoses spraying. My spluge hits Bobby in the chest, and his hits mine in a hot spray. Janet starts licking the semen off of Bobby, and little Jennifer starts slurping it off of me. I start playing with her tits, and squeezing her nipples. Bobby does the same with his mom. And grandma starts fingering both of them. Both girls gargle the cum afterwords while Bobby starts fucking grandma and I take a piss in her mouth.

Grandma starts gargling the piss, puts her head back, and then spits it straight up in the air so that it sprays back down on her face, right? Still with me? Ok, then we all get in a circle and start licking each other's assholes. I'm licking grandma. Grandma is licking Bobby. Bobby is liking his mother. She's licking Jennifer. And Jennifer is licking me. While this is going on, grandpa rolls out a xylophone followed by his five Chinese nephews, all naked. They're names aren't important because they all look alike anyway. They take their erect wangs and put them on the xylophone keys while grandpa starts playing a tune. All the nephews start to perforn 'Singing In The Rain' while grandpa goes to town, hitting the keys and the dicks as he goes along. And as you can imagine by the second chorus the nephews are having trouble keeping the tune, but they're troopers so they keep on as best they can. And grandpa keeps on playing. Dong a long a ding a ding. You know, like that.

Grandman, Janet, and Jennifer then stand on their heads. Bobby and I stick candles down their assholes and light them. The lights go down and a violin player comes out and starts a romantic tune. The five Chinese nephews all take a shit on the floor and grandpa sweeps it all into one big steaming pile. I roll out a slip and slide mat and line it up in front of the pile of shit. Bobby, grandpa, and myself all take a piss on the mat to get it wet, and then take turns running up to the mat and sliding into the pile of shit. So the three of us are pretty much covered with feces after that. We lie down on the floor. And then Janet, grandma, and Jennifer walk over, still on their hands mind you--they're very talented--and start licking the shit off of us. Meanwhile the candles up their asses are starting to drip wax down into their cunts, which is a little painful I grant you. But those girls are all professionals, I tell you.

Grandpa pulls out all three candles, licks the end of them clean, and then starts juggling them--still lit, mind you. Bobby and I punch each of the Chinese nephews in the stomach, causing them to vomit on the slip and slide mat. Jennifer goes first, sliding down the puke covered mat, followed by Janet, and then grandma. The nephews go out back and wheel out a casket. Inside is great grandma's almost mummified corpse. The three ladies kneel down in front of the casket. Janet gets two of the nephews; one puts a cock in her mouth and the other up her ass. Grandma gets two of the other nephews; same thing. The last nephew starts fucking Jennifer up the ass. Grandpa discards the candles and sticks his wrinkly dick in Jennifer's mouth. While this is going on, Bobby climbs inside the casket and starts giving it to great grandma's dead rotting corpse.

While the audience is focused on all of that, I run out back, grab a card table, and wheel it out. On the table is a large pile of used bloody tampons, from both Janet and Jennifer, which we've been saving for the last six months. All five of the nephews and grandpa, while still in the middle of their assorted sex acts, lean back with open mouths. They just open them as wide as they can. And then I take the bloody, smelly tampons, one by one, and lob them backwards over my head, trying to use their open mouths as a basketball hoop. My aim is only so-so, so I get some in and the rest land all over. If any of them catch them in their mouths, they just hold them there until I'm all out. Around that time, if our timing is just right, everybody pulls out and jizzes all over Janet, Jennifer, and Grandma. Well, everybody except Bobby, because we're not ready for him quite yet, see. Then all the tampons get spit up into a bucket, along with another supply of vomit. But we'll get to that later.

This is when a midget, who's actually my cousin Ritchie, comes riding out on a unicycle, pulling the family dog Bub on a leash. Bub is a German sheppard, and he's kind of a big boy. Very well trained, though, so don't worry. The girls all stay down on all fours, right, and then Bub comes over and starts fucking Jennifer up the ass. Now you'd think I'd start with grandma and work down towards the big finish with little Jennie, right? You'd think that, but Jennifer is just his favorite to fuck up the ass and he just performs better when Jennie is first. So we just go with it. He's a dog, you know? Who can argue with a dog? Come on.

So Bub goes right up the line. Jennifer, then Janet, then grandma. Meanwhile, Bobby keeps on fucking great grandma's corpse in her coffin. The five nephews line up around the coffin and start jerking off. That gets a fine spray going right up and into the coffin with Bobby and great grandma. Grandpa and I take the bucket with the vomit and the bloody tampons and then piss in it. After the dog is done fucking all the girls, we bring the dog over and the dog takes a big shit into the bucket. Bobby pulls out of great grandma--he hasn't come yet--and unloads a big load of spunk, into that same bucket. Then grandma comes over, squats over the bucket, and drops a runny slimy diarhettic stream of poo into the bucket. She hasn't been regular in years, you know. Janet follows, drops some shit in it. And then Jennifer does the same. Then grandpa grabs a big bag of apples, and drops them all in the bucket. And then I take a large stick and stir the whole thing up. It's a pretty large bucket, did I mention that? Ok, just stick with me.

Jennifer goes first. She sticks her head right down there into the bucket, you see, bobbing for an apple at the bottom of this bucket of shit and piss and blood and semen and puke. And she just sticks her head right down there into it until she finds an apple and pulls it out. She comes out and her face and head and hair are all covered and matted with the contents of the bucket. Bobby goes next. Then Janet. Then I get an apple. Then grandpa. And finally grandma. And the end of that we're all covered with the excrement and other ingredients, and it's all dripping off of us all over. The nephews come over and take the apples out of all our mouths with their teeth and then eat the apples. And the one apple that's left over goes to Ritchie the midget. After the apples are consumed they all get regurgitated right back into the bucket. Oh, we're not done with the bucket yet, no.

The midget rides his unicycle backstage and returns with a black sack, about the size of a grocery bag. I wheel out a small grill and grandpa fires it up. Jennifer reaches into the sack and pulls out a small aborted fetus. And you guessed right, it's hers. It's still fresh and everything, only a couple of days old. She puts it on the grill and I turn it up to about medium. You certainly don't want to overcook something like that. Even so it takes some time to do this just right. Immediately the smell starts rising up off the fetus. Mmmm, you just can't beat that. While waiting for that, Jennifer, Janet, and grandma strap on some dildoes and take turns fucking all the nephews, grandpa, the dog, and the midget up their asses. Oh, and these are big, industrial sized dildoes, see. Like about as big as a salami loaf. Yeah, and you should hear the midget squeak when he gets it. Always a crowd pleaser.

When the fetus is done cooking the Chinese nephews pick up the knives from the earlier juggling and start ginsuing it onto several plates. They do it because, you know, being Chinese they're all good at that sort of thing. Everybody on stage gets a plate, even the dog, and eats it right up. The left over bits go into the bucket. Following this, we split into two groups on opposite sides of the stage and then everybody takes a dump into their hands. Everybody except for the midget, who starts climbing a 30 foot ladder up to a diving platform right over the bucket. While he's climbing all the rest of us start a brown snowball fight, which is just a huge melee of flying shit. Once he's up top, Ritchie the midget cannonballs off of the platform into the shit and piss and vomit and blood and tampons and semen and fetus leftover filled bucket, which causes a huge splash that covers all of us in the goo.

Then we do a short tap-dancing sequence to 'Putting on the Ritz', and end with everyone down on one knee and our arms spread wide. We all yell 'TA DA' and it's punctuated with a thunderous fart from all of us. Then the dog howls just to put the cherry on top.

So Mitch the agent takes all this in, right? He needs a few seconds to mull this over because he's just flabbergasted by what he's heard. Tremendous, Mitch says. What in the world would you call such a thing?

George, that's the father in the act remember, holds up a finger. One moment, he says. This is the best part. I'll tell you what happens next. I pull out a remote control with a red button on the top. I presses the button and suddenly a small bomb sewn into great grandma's dead corpse explodes, unleashing fireworks, confetti, and a spray of intestines, rotten flesh, and bone fragments which rain down all over the theater. It's just an amazing sight. And floating down with the confetti is a large banner. On the banner it says....

THE ARISTOCRATS.

And then Mitch was so impressed that he signed them to a three year deal.

At least, that's how my uncle used to tell the story.