Endgame

I'm going to work towards the point behind this post gradually. You might say I'm going to sneak up behind it. There is a reason for it. You'll see.

Anyway, I started 2007 with a plan. Really, it was nothing more than the typical sort of things you come up with at New Years to fill out your resolutions, most of which will be ignored and forgotten when spring kicks into gear. And I made some of those, and by the time spring came along I was busy and distracted with other things. But you know what happened next already, right? I met *that girl* and she introduced catastrophic change into my life, and then when things really started moving I restructured the plan.

1. Leave LSI. Step one was no more than leave that company. Accomplished.

2. Decide what company would be the one where I was going to stay. In case Rugers didn't work out, I worked on some back-up plans. Since Rugers worked out, that's where I'm staying. Accomplished.

3. Figure out where I'm going to live. I've wanted to move out of this rathole for a long time, and it would be nice to have a real apartment. Where I'm moving to was dependant on which job I was going to stay at. Now that I know, I'm going to start looking in the Newport/Claremont area pretty soon.

4. Definitively figure out what's going on with Jen and me. This step here was set in my head before she and I started going out in official capacity two months ago. At that time we were doing the confusing mixed signals thing, and I figured it would take until about now for us to come to some conclusion. However, she went ahead and jumped this one up in the batting order when she told me she was willing to give it a shot, after I made an issue of a few things. Of course, there's been a lot of water under the bridge since, and there is no way to know how this story is going to play out, but at some point the decisions we made will have to be revisited.

That's as far as I numbered these out, but those four items are only the beginning. I have massive, major plans for my future. Obviously, writing tops the list. I will finish this book and get it published. And then I have my second book already in mind. If I'm successful with those, I'd like to parlay my talent into a regular gig writing a monthly comic book ... while working on my third book. There's a lot I want to do, a lot I want to accomplish, and a lot I want to experience. All those gears are starting to turn, and plans are being put into motion.

But what do I really want? If you boil it all down, what is the one thing I want more than anything else. Yes, I want to be a published novelist, and that is an attainable goal. I just need to put in the hard work. But that isn't it. That isn't enough. I know what I want. It came to me about a week ago, and I've been sitting on it, thinking about it, deciding whether or not to talk about it here. And it will probably come as no surprise to some of y'all.

I want to have a baby. Now, I'm not saying tomorrow. Or this year. Or even next year. This might be a three to five year plan. It might take longer than that even, as there are numerous factors that will come into play here. But that is the goal. That's the endgame. I don't know who the mother will be, I don't know if we'll be married, if we'll just live together, or if we won't even be a couple at all -- I have no idea. We can worry about that later. First, I have to get myself into position. The way it looks, it'll be a lengthy road to travel, starting from where I am right now. But I will get there.

What about Jennifer? I won't get into it all, but she is both unable and perhaps unwilling to ever conceive a child. Let me say right here that I'm fine with that. And if she and I were in a normal relationship that I was happy with, there is *no way* I would ever end it for that reason. We'd work something out, one way or the other. But we don't have a normal relationship, and there are some unsatisfying elements inside of that relationship, and there's always been an invisible clock ticking down on the both of us. There's no way to know when that clock is going to run out, and even though I wish some things were different, I'm in no hurry for time to run out on Jen and me. But as much as I really *really* like the girl, there's almost no chance that she'll be the mother when the time comes around. There's a good chance she'll be in another part of the country by then.

So I'm thinking way ahead. The inherent conflict laid out in the last paragraph troubles me more than you know, but it's clear to me how that relationship will eventually end up, barring some very unforseen circumstance or a change in her basic nature, which I don't see happening.

Either way, the endgame is in view.