We Are the Brave Pioneers

As Guinevere knows from our chat the other day, I've been feeling somewhat out at sea with the whole Jennifer thing. At least three times during the past week I was going to make a post about it, thought better of it, decided to wait it out, and then went on to another subject. The shifts we work and the long hours that make them up keep us apart, but last weekend I was beginning to feel abandoned, and I felt frustrated about that. I won't get into all the details of who called who when and so forth, because I'm past all that right now. Let's jump ahead.

Tuesday night I called her and left a message on her phone while she was at work. It was a "hope you're having a good night, see you soon" sort of call, which I do from time to time. At that point she and I hadn't talked since Saturday night. Sometimes I hang back and take a wait and see approach, so I can see what she'll do and I can find out where she's at. Then I changed my mind. I know in the last post on this subject I said that whenever I try something it hits the wall .... but I was mistaken. I have done things that have worked to great effect.

For instance. After that week when she and I were at odds, I was the one who brought us back together, with the e-mail (which I still think is badass) and the phone call. I did that. And even when she was scared and trying to push me away before we started going out, I kept myself in the game by letting her know where I stood, planting my feet, and refusing to budge no matter what. And she and I only started going out at all because I forced the issue that night in the parking lot. I can cause things to happen, sometimes just through force of will.

And perhaps thanks to that message she's called me the last two mornings before work, and we've had good conversations. As a result I've reflected on a few things and come to a better place. I'm working crazy hours; she's working crazy hours. I've more or less adapted to mine. She is so obviously exhausted on her way home that it's affecting how I view things. She's also stressed for other reasons -- the hours are long and bizarre, she has to travel about twice as far as I do, her living situation is a little stressful, and she's looking to move, she has car issues she needs to take care of, and she has other friends (like Jenn) who only call her when they need something. So I have to stop and take a look at my role in things.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to let my selfishness and the petty things that bother me ruin everything. Ultimately, I would like to keep Jennifer as a longterm close friend, whether she remains my girlfriend or not. In thinking back to past relationships that went sour, and trying to figure out what could have been salvaged out of that and how, a lot of it comes down to me. If I wanted to hang onto something out of those relationships I probably could have in at least 85% of the cases, but I let small things and hurt feelings get in the way, and that left me with nothing. I won't let pride get in the way this time. Of course, in a lot of those older cases I wasn't playing with as much confidence and power of will as I am now, and things are a lot different when you don't hate yourself and the world. A lot different.

My legacy from this relationship will be that Sparky was the one guy, the one person, who didn't clog up her life with a bunch of stupid bullshit that could have been avoided. There are a lot of factors I can't influence, like the work schedules, or what her level of interest in this relationship is during any given day, but I can hold up my end of things. I will hold up my end of things. In the early going I may have faltered a little bit here and there, but over the last month or so I've been entirely on top of my game, and perhaps the best at this boyfriend thing that I've ever been (or at least in the top 3). I won't go down like a little bitch, and she isn't going to treat me like yesterday's garbage and get away with it (if things come to that), but I'm also not going to drop the ball my own self. She will know at the end of things that I was a pretty badass boyfriend who would do just about anything for her. She'll know it.

A while back, when she and I were forging our relationship at LSI, long before there was any idea that we might start going out, although she and I had been flirting since about the first minute, I started to see that she would make for a good parter. At first she was just yet another person I had to drag through the foil training process. Then she started to catch on, and with the good chemistry she and I had, we became a pretty good team. Then the "pushover" incident happened, and the next day I gave her the complete business, and really took that comment out on her, trying to prove some sort of point ... I dunno. But she took it, she weathered it, and by the end of the day she and I were fine again. A lot of other people I've worked with would have cracked, but she didn't. And she really earned my respect.

Because of that I decided that she and I were 'Partners'. Usually, I was the Screener and whoever I was working with was just my flunky, or my "bitch" is what we really used to call it. But after that day Jen and I were partners, something that only Starr had prior to that. As in her prior relationships, Jen had been screwed over at jobs before, and was a little skeptical of me when I told her that there were two things that would be true:
1) I'd have her back no matter what.
2) I'd never throw her under the bus.

She was skeptical, yes. But I proved it. No matter how bad things got, especially at the end, I had her back right to the wall. Even during that week when she and I weren't getting along, nobody could pry anything out of me that cast her in a bad light. Even when people did try to interfere I insisted that it was my business and I'd take care of it. Sue sticking her fat nose into it was one of the things that brought Jen and I back together, in fact. And I never threw her under the bus. Even when she screwed up, even when she pissed me off, I never went to Sue or anyone else and bitched or complained, which makes me pretty much unique within that department. I don't throw my Partner under the bus, and I always have their back.

So where I'm going with all that is probably clear. I don't throw my girlfriend under the bus, no matter what. And I still have her back, right to the wall. Those two things will always be true.

And that will be my legacy.