Sparky the Great and Terrible

So no matter how the thing with Jen ends, I'm keeping the nickname. It's probably the best general use nickname I've had pretty much ever. Benitez never really made a whole lot of sense really. Guinevere's nickname for me is another one I really like, but it's reserved just for her, and probably wouldn't make a lot of sense in other contexts with other people anyway. But Sparky is pretty good. It even helped me solve a continuing problem in the book, as far as Kelly needing a decent nickname for people at work to call him. The temporary solution I'd been using was completely dreadful.

I know I keep hitting this note, but it's really amazing how I'm feeling right now. That is to say, I feel good. I haven't felt this good in a long time ... so long, in fact, I can't even put a timeframe on it. And it's due to the fundamental changes I went through this spring. Perhaps the most fundamental of those changes, and it's something I mentioned in one of the Disassembly posts, is that I stopped hating myself. Maybe I've even started to forgive myself a little bit, too, for you know what. And while Jen may not work out as a longterm girlfriend, and this relationship might hit the wall and crash at anytime, she was the catalyst of all this, so *if* we do go down in flames I need to be prepared to go on beyond that so that I don't revert to angry, bitter, and miserable. Because that's no way to live.

Sure, it sounds harsh to say that I hated myself, but I really did, for a long time. And that point of view influenced almost everything I did and thought. It was responsible for the things I did during the Summer of Darkness Tour (1998). It was responsible for the creation of Bethany and friends. It was responsible for numerous relationships that went boom. It was responsible for the money trouble I got myself into a couple years ago. It was responsible for a lot. It might be the reason I never got the book finished. It was the reason for my anxiety attacks and near nervous breakdown four years ago. There are a lot of things. And it was all because I hated myself.

But now I don't. It's as simple as that. I woke up and I stopped. During my long dating hiatus I couldn't imagine why anyone would possibly want me. Now, I believe that I'm a great boyfriend, and that if Jen doesn't work out I'll find another girl who will realize how good I can be. Now, I don't feel like I'm wasting my life, I'm not embarassed by my job, I'm not humiliated by what I have to deal with on a daily basis, and I don't lie awake at night crushed by depression and fear. I don't dread the mornings anymore, and I don't feel like the entire world is against me when I wake up. I've changed, and I like it.

And goddamit, it's going to stay this way.