Hold The Line

It's one thing to say it, and I talk a pretty good game on paper, but then I see her and other emotions are triggered, and that just makes it all the more difficult. So while I know I'm doing the wise thing by starting to distance myself from Jen, it sure ain't easy pulling it off. And other things just exacerbate the situation. Let me explain.

I was in Massachusetts over the weekend. I'll discuss that in another post, but Jen called me Saturday night. No message, but my caller ID snagged her. When I got home Sunday night I didn't call her back. Friday's conversation was just too weird, and I'm a little burnt out on her and her squirrelly behavior. Nevertheless, I'm not pushing for any confrontation or anything this week since we're both on the same shift during Rugers' shutdown week. I'm working in my area doing odd jobs, and she's out in machine shop doing something. Even so, we're both there and I don't want to make anything more awkward than necessary.

Also, I took the assumption that she didn't call from Arizona or Tennessee, or whichever state is next. Call it a hunch.

You might also wonder why she and I aren't just riding in together. Once upon a time we would have. Now I didn't even offer it out as a suggestion. I figured she'd turn it down, and I just wasn't up for that. Also, she's unreliable and I didn't want to get myself into a spot where she might make me late. Even though I had a few openings to offer that out there, I didn't. A few weeks ago I totally would have, offering myself up as a sacrificial lamb once again. Now? Not.

For a while this morning I wasn't sure if she was there or not. Then I caught a glimpse of her just before break. I was walking down the hall towards the vending machines, and she came around a corner way off in the distance, leaving one of the bathrooms. She looked right at me, turned, and strutted away. Then I was left to wonder if she'd blown me off or if she just couldn't see me (her vision can be a little fuzzy). I decided not to worry about it.

Thing that makes it worse #1. In my cell I've started to be friends with Allen and Jason. Both of them know I have a girlfriend, but I never specified that she worked there at Rugers. So they were quizzing me today, and they cornered me, so I had to come clean that yes, she does work there on second, and in fact .... she's probably here right now. So that opened a whole can of worms. And Allen wanted to meet her. There's a reason I skirted the issue of where she worked, and it was to avoid exactly this. I could not imagine what would happen if I approached her at work with one or both of these guys peppering me or her with questions.

One of the questions was how old she was, which of course I answered. And I got this response from Allen: "How the fuck do you get a 20 year old? I'm 21 and I can't even get a 20 year old."

And, there is another whole layer of the onion -- the difference between everyone's perception of this relationship (that we're sleeping together) and the actual sad truth. But whatever. Everyone at LSI thought that, too, and that was a good thing. It isn't a bad thing now, either. If Allen and Jason, and the goons in the machine shop that she works with, think I'm hitting that ... well, there's no negative there. I know, and you readers know, that I'm not, but I'm taking that to the grave otherwise.

Near the end of the day Allen and I headed out to the punch out area, which took us through the machine shop. And I saw Jen sitting by some machine talking to some guys. She kind of had that face she gets when she's bitching about the injustice inherent in the system, and yes she's already started in on Rugers, but nevermind. There she was. So Allen and I took the corner that led us right by her line of sight, and I locked my eyes dead on her until she noticed me, and then did a sweeping wave as we walked by. I got a "Hey, Sparky!" and then she asked me something, and I can't even remember what I answered back. Allen asked if that was my "old lady", I said yup, and he was impressed.

You know if all these guys who wouldn't mind taking my place knew the whole truth about being with her, they might not be so eager. It isn't so easy, boys.

Then I left. I don't know if she was expecting me to wait outside for her, but she seemed to indicate on Friday that she had other plans ("Just take a drive, disappear, and nobody will see me"). Fair enough. So I split. While I was driving out I saw the lady who's been giving me the eyeball since Day One, and she waved and I waved, and as tempting as it was to stop and say hi, I kept on going. Not yet. Don't make it worse than it needs to be. Just keep driving, go home, and don't do anything stupid.

I did call her and leave a message later that afternoon. She called back and we talked for about twenty minutes. The conversation included this: "Oh, that *was* you."/"I knew it!" -- but she says it was because her vision was fuzzy and she wasn't totally certain it was me. Whatever, dude.

Thing that makes it worse #2. I stopped at the local grocery store and ran into my friend Adam, who's working there right now. That's another thing I'll post about in another post. But he hadn't heard that I left LSI (he's another former employee), so I got into that whole story, and the subject of Jen came up. So that led to another discussion of my girlfriend, where I know the real truth of the matter, but have to play it cool for other people so that they think everything is going all right. That's harder to do than you might think.

For now, only y'all reading this are going to know where my head is at.