Conversations With Dead People

That's essentially what I do when I write, isn't it? I don't have to visit the cemetery. I don't have to light any candles. I don't have to go to a church. All I have to do is pull out my notebooks and laptop. And there she is. She's Emma in the book, but we all know who she really is. The book is her story. It's become about a lot more than that since I started writing it, but it is her story in the end. And to do the work, I need to talk to her. I channel this girl who never was and talk to her. That's how this works.

That isn't the only reason I let her in. Sometimes I just need to talk. There come times when I just don't understand what's happening around me, or I don't know what I'm doing, or when it seems like everything is crashing down around me, and she'll listen, she'll understand, and she doesn't judge me. She always got me in ways that other people don't sometimes. I'm not saying I don't have other people to talk to, because I obviously do, and two of them read this blog, but she understands the darkness inside of me better than anyone else ever has. She's one of the two ghosts I'm haunted by, but she's the one I can live with.

It's the little one that's dangerous. She comes to me on her own most of the time, sometimes I think just to make sure I haven't forgotten about her, as if that was even possible. She's the one that can hurt me.

I'm not asking you to believe in the things that I believe. Things like that I saw the Nice Lady when I was very little, and she's protected me from harm more than once. Things like that I'm being guided along by the Wheel towards some ultimate destiny. Or that I'm being haunted by the ghosts of some girl and my imaginary never born daughter. I know that a school of thought could be developed that the two ghosts may only be manifestations of my inner guilt and feelings of loss, which may also be my way of sabotaging myself whenever I might start to be happy. That could be said, and maybe it's true. Maybe I'm just a little crazy.

But what if the other person has something like that herself? What if she's been so damaged by her past that it's impossible for her to fully trust anyone, no matter what he tries to do to prove his worth to her? What if she has her own ghosts? I don't know what to do about that. Even though most of the six hours of conversation went very well, and the last two were her describing her ghosts and demons to me in great detail, and even though I believe, the last ten minutes of that conversation were incomprehensible and disturbing, mostly in that I don't understand how it was left. But she's scared. She's very scared. And because she's scared of her own ghosts and manifestations, she'll only let me get so close. And for a girl I like, I'll follow her right into hell, but they have to let me in first. It's frustrating to say the least.

I also believe that my meeting Jen this spring was more than just 1) destiny providing someone to wake me up and give me the push I needed to leave that job, and 2) finding a girl I like. I feel that there's something more important going on, and while whatever is happening probably isn't the ultimate destiny that I'm needed for, it is an essential part of it. I believe my help, one way or another, is needed, but I don't know how or why.

And That's why I had to call upon the ghosts I know and talk to them. Not everything is ok. I don't know what to do about it.

I need her help.