Hello, My Little Italian Friend

Sometimes I really do think there's something wrong with me. Things are going really well, but even so I get to a point where I crash. I can only stay up for so long, and even when I am up my grip on it can be so very tenuous that it takes very little to tip me. Having said that, I have no explanation for how I feel right now. Nothing happened, not even one very little thing, to tip me over, so what the fuck? It would be nice to be like other, normal people sometimes instead of what I am.

Things are going well. Cue the nightmares. I have frequent nightmares, yes. They aren't always *those* nightmares. Those nightmares are where I get a look through the Bleed into another dimension and see how things could have been. I have that kind of nightmare from time to time. That kind of nightmare is how I know what She looks like and what She sounds like. Suffice to say I have mixed feelings about that kind of nightmare, which I won't get into here and now since that isn't the point of this post.

Things are going well. It's been a long while since things have gone well on this front. I'm still on a roller coaster sometimes, like right this second, but make no mistake ... it's going all right. I might even say great. So why do the nightmares come back around now? I should explain a little more about these nightmares first, before I answer that question. There are things I believe in. Weird things. Things like the Nice Lady, Calliope, the goddess, and that those nightmares are actually allowing me to see my daughter through the dimensional fabric. I believe in those things. Sue me.

Ok, so why now? They could just be a subconscious manifestation of my guilt rising up in an effort to sabotage whatever happiness I can get out of my relationship with Jennifer. It could be some kind of horrible omen or something. Let's stick with the first one. I do feel guilty about what happened, and probably always will. I've lived with it, and tried to deal with it, and I just accept that I'll always have a little piece of it burning inside me. I can't help it. Say what you want.

How long has it been since I've been happy? Come on, how long has it been since I've even had an opportunity to jump in and TRY to be happy? It's been a long hard road. I can't even remember the last time I cared enough to be willing to work so god damned hard to fight for something like I'm willing to do right now. So why? Why now? Don't I deserve a shot? Haven't I earned the right?

Since I last posted everything has been going very well. Jen and I hung out last night after work, and she met up with a friend of hers, and the three of us hung out for a while and it was all fine. We parted for the night and I just wish there could have been more. More time. Whatever. When I got home she'd left me a message: "I had a really good time tonight. And you know what? I think I made the right decision." I felt really good. I called her back and we talked for a bit, and I left that feeling really really good.

Today. You know, I haven't had a girlfriend in so long that I don't know what to do with myself. I don't always know what to do. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard, but this isn't natural for me, and Jen and I have such a complicated relationship that even at the very best of times my stomach is still flip-flopping. It isn't her. It's me. Someone can tell me they like me, they want me, whatever, and I'll STILL have that same nervous stomach. I will say that knowing she's my Girlfriend has quieted the stomach a lot over the past four days, but there then comes today where I don't know what to do.

Look at me. I'm such a schmuck. Do I call her? Do I not call her? Is she going to think I'm trying to smother her? Will she wonder why I didn't call? Am I overthinking all of this? I sure the fuck am. But I'll tell you what, I don't enjoy doing that, and I don't enjoy being this way. Sometimes I can't stand being myself, and being so shy and socially inept, which is why I retreated so deep into my alter ego here on the internet ... just so I could not be me for a little while. Because let's look at that alter ego: strong, definite, confident, hard, and everything that I'm not when I really wish I could be.

Don't believe that last statement? Reread this post. Everything is going FINE and I'm STILL fucked up in the head. What the fuck is the matter with me?

I did call her. We talked for three hours. Everything is still peachy ducky. Of course it was. It was never NOT peachy ducky.

And yet, here I am right now writing this post.

Have you seen the movie The Fisher King? If you have, you'll remember the scene where Perry (Robin Williams) finally has a shot at being happy, years after a tragedy ruined his life, and just when things are looking good for him his own manifestation of guilt, The Red King, appears looking to destroy him.

I was thinking about that movie today while wondering about my nightmares ... my own manifestation of the Red King. And I closed my eyes and repeated a line from the movie, said by Perry to the Red King:

Let me have this.